It's funny you know. It seems like my whole life I've been trying to live my life to the expectations of everyone else as to how I should live my life and what I should do. And whenever I get stuck, or do things I want to do I feel guilty for not doing what everyone says I should be doing. But shouldn't I be doing what makes me happy? What's the point of having a job if you hate it, and it makes you hate your life, poisons your soul and drives you into depression? I understand that we all need money to live, but at what cost? Is it worth your happiness? your health physically and mentally? Is it worth hating your life and possibly yourself everyday just to get a paycheck for the time you spent hating yourself? Is it wrong that I feel like it isn't worth it? That I'd rather live day to day waiting and searching for the job, or career that's right for me? Is it wrong that I'm taking the time to decide what I want to do with my life instead of becoming a part of the working society that 8-10 hours a day to make money and get by. Is it wrong that I'm taking the time now to do all of the things that over the next twenty years, when I'm busy with school, a husband, kids, a family, I won't have time to do?.....I don't think it is, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe everyone is right for being mad at me for not having a job..I'm mad at me for letting others get mad at me and causing distress in their lives. I hate what the world has become. Where money is the backbone for everything but you have to spend money to get money and when you have no money, it's almost unobtainable...I hate that I have to rely on others to carry me, I have no problems working to make my money, but no one wants to hire me. I have no college and no experience. I have no college because I have no money, I have no experience because no one will hire me because I have no college or experience. I have no money to go to college because I can't get a job. I can't go to college because I have no place to stay because I have no money and I can't get welfare because I have no place to stay because I have no money.....What the fuck is wrong with this picture? Really? Somebody fucked up somewhere big time and now we are all paying for it, especially the ones who are at the bottom of the financial ladder. It's like the wealthy work to keep the poor poor and the rich rich while making it impossible for the middle class to become wealthy. I'm so sick of this. I'm not even 19 and already I am so sick of this bullshit.

Why is it sometimes I feel so alone? Surrounded by people, who "care" about me, who are my "friends" and "love" me....I'm so skeptical of people and I don't know why. Am I so afraid of being hurt? used? lied to?. Why can't I let myself find someone to trust inside and out?...oh yea because if I did then I'd have to be madly in love with them and want to spend the rest of my life with them. I don't understand myself most days. Why I feel the way I do, why I do the things I do. Most days I don't try to understand and just -do- without thinking. That's probably what got me into this mess to begin with. It'd be nice to have that friend, like the one you had when you were in grade seven. That you talked to everyday, spent everyday with, passed notes in class and hung out after school doing stupid stuff and shared everything with. When you're so young you don't have to worry about things like your "friends" using you, getting mad at you over stupid things like boys, and relationships, and life. Things don't get easier as you get older, life gets harder and harder and harder as you go along. Until eventually it hits you so hard you die.

I miss having a family, a home with mom, dad, and my brothers.... Going to see my mom is like a chore, seeing my father makes me cry when I leave because I see just how bad things have gotten with him. I never get to talk to my brothers, they are all so busy with life, their families, work. I feel so alone, so useless. I'm only 18 and yet I'm in such a rush to do everything, go to school, get a job, get married, and I wonder, why? Part of me says it's because I need to feel some sense of accomplishment like I'm doing something important with my life, I want to make my family proud of me and do something that lets me face them with pride instead of shame. I think I want to do it so fast so my dad can see his little girl graduate college, go to university or law school and be something successful. I want him to be able to meet my boyfriends and tell me what he thinks, approve of my fiance and be there when I get married....but the truth is, he won't be, and I know that.

When my brother was my age he was spending his life as a body guard for a drug dealer, partying and doing drugs everyday, stealing money from people to pay for his addictions. He was a dog on a leash and going nowhere. He dropped out of high school when he was in grade 11 and still hasn't gone back. But now he is 22 has a full time job as the highest payed worker where he works, lives with the woman he loves and is happy as ever. My parents are proud of him for cleaning up his act and making something of himself, and in comparison I feel like a bum. Sure I moved out when I was 17 after graduating from high school, I lived with my Aunt and Uncle all summer, eventually got a  job and payed rent, bought my own groceries and everything, I was rather proud of myself, and on top of it all I met a man and fell in love with him. But I threw it all away... I tell everyone my Aunt kicked me out, but the truth of the matter was I got sick of living there, hated my job, and wanted out. So I quit my job and moved out practically over night. I left a full time job, my own basement apartment, and an amazing man, all because I decided I'd be happier if I left....am I happy now? Living on welfare, in a crappy little farm house in the middle of nowhere, a hundred miles from home, living with a douche bag asshole? No I'm not happy. Is it any better? No. Do I regret doing it?...no..

As much as it was a fucking dumb idea, and stupid of me to do, I'm glad I did. I may not be happier, I may not be in better position in life, but I've learned a lot. Met lots of new and wonderful people and had lots of great times and experiences. I'm 18 and I need to remember that. My dad always used to tell me "Dan, you need to -slow- down." , "Don't get your shirt in a knot." and "Don't get your buggy in front of the horse.".....maybe I should listen to him for once in my life.

So I've discovered he does care more than I initially thought, but it doesn't change much if anything.

My life. What do I want? To be happy. What would make you happy? A full time job I loved, and being surrounded by the people I cared the most about. Schooling really is my only option. My only way out. Sure it's scary, moving away from everything I know and am familiar with but it will be like a big breath of fresh air. New people, new surroundings, new adventures. New, is what I need right now. My life has hit a stalemate, I'm basically sitting here stagnating in a pond of bullshit, drama and negativity.  The seasons have changed and with them so to have I. Change is inevitable, and a necessary part of life. It's not always easy, but life's not meant to be easy.

Mixed feelings.

I'm not attached to him, but, I do like him. Just simply being around him. Is that bad? It's nice having that sense of security, that sense of friendship, but I think I may have had the wrong impression of how things would be. I'm always worried, because he doesn't talk to me, that I've done something wrong, that he doesn't like me...I don't push him, I send him a message, he replies or he doesn't. If he doesn't I just drop it and don't talk to him for a few more days, or try and wait until he sends me a message. I think the reason I have such mixed feelings over this is because it's the first time I've done anything with someone I've had interest in but at the same time am not looking at getting into a relationship with. Maybe I should just drop it? Stop worrying about it, him, how he feels, what he thinks etc, and move on.

To be honest though, if I were in his position I'd probably do the same thing. I'm sure he has so many girls occupying his time that not having me to worry about would be a relief. Lets be realistic, if he were interested in me, even as a friend, or cared even a little, he would talk to me. Check in and see how things are going, or maybe that's just not the kind of guy he is, or maybe he just has so much stuff going on in his life that he doesn't have time to care. So now I have to ask myself, is this what I want? Do I want this in my life? Is he what's best for me right now?...The answer is I don't know. In a way he has a positive effect on me, he gives me something else to focus on for a short time. Having another guy around makes me see just how much I don't want to be here and want out away from this crazed madness I live in. But I have nowhere to go, nowhere that would be better than here...

The negative effects are well, of course the drops when he is gone, won't talk to me, the worrying etc but it's normal or so I presume so I find things to take my mind off of it, try and push him out of my head. It's seems to work for the most part. I think a lot of it has to do with me having nothing to do all day, being bored and doing nothing but thinking, usually going over the same thoughts again and again. I need a job, something to keep me too busy to worry about stupid little things like men, sex, and people drama.

If I had a job I could make some money, save up and get the fuck out of dodge. If I could go anywhere I'd go north. Sault Ste. Marie, maybe further. Perhaps I'd go south to the U.S, or hop on a plane and see the other side of the world. See when I think about things, my future, the rest of my life, none of what is happening now really matters. He won't exist in my life for very long, if he does then I'd be surprised. So I wonder...why do I worry so much? It must be that whole self image thing, my low self esteem coming up with all these horrible reasons as to why he wouldn't want to talk to me or see me again. *sigh.

At this point having a partner or anything to do with a relationship, sex, intimacy, all that crap just seems to rub me the wrong way and doesn't interest me in the least. I want to be alone, I want people to stop looking at me as something they can fuck and have fun with, and start seeing me as a person. But I guess before that can happen, I have to see myself that way. I'm thinking it's time I remove myself from the community until I get myself sorted out. It seems like the best plan to me.

Fuck this, fuck everybody, I don't need this and they don't fucking need me. I don't even know why I try, or care, or do anything anymore. People need to go fuck themselves. Fucking self riotous pricks.... fuck you too, I'm sorry I ever called you a friend, any of you, all of you.  I'm -sorry- I can't be perfect and fit in and lie like all the rest of you! I should have never gone to you, I should have never trusted any of you. I'm done with all of this, fucking done... I hope you're all happy, sitting all high and mighty feeling good about yourselves for this. And I hope you all understand exactly what it is you've done to me...

Just how far can you push? How much can you expect from other people? Is it right to go to someone and dump all of your emotional problems at their feet and expect them to help you sort through them? How much is too much to ask? and if you can't ask someone, who can you ask? Can you go to anyone, to anything? When you feel so overwhelmed and like you have nowhere left to turn, where are we supposed to go? Naturally we turn inwards and confide within ourselves, but it never helps, it never fixes anything. It just makes things fester, and grow into grotesque monster of our own devices, our demons. The only thing we can really do is confront it all, TALK to someone, and DON'T feel bad about it. People do it to you, it is your right to do the same to them. People are afraid of each other, afraid of impeding, intruding, interrupting people's lives and too afraid to ask for help in case they look weak. It's all about image. Why? Why is the most important word we have, the most important question we can ask ourselves. Because it is the doorway to understanding, knowledge, and enlightenment.

I'm really starting to have re evaluate everything. Especially myself. Changing is something that generally happens over time, not as a conscious decision. Even if I were to decide it's exactly what I need to do (I'm still not overly convinced) where the hell would I start? How would I know what to change myself into? I've always just been focused on being me, but apparently the me I thought I was and the me everyone else sees are two very different people...It's hard, realizing you're not everything you've worked so hard to try to be and become. Does that make me a bad person? Am I just another broken cast from the mould? Everyone is so caught up with grandeur ideas of self importance and personal universes that they fail to make themselves understand that really they aren't much. Importance is irrelevant to opinion, yours or an other's. People need to pull their heads out of their asses and wake up and realize just how insignificant they are, the people around them are, hell how insignificant the world is in comparison to everything that surrounds us in our existence. So I fight with the idea of, Why change myself in order to make other people happy and like me more, in order to fit in, when in the end everything is pretty much meaningless unless I make it meaningful to myself. and even then it's only meaningful to me. I am not you, you are not me. Why do you judge me? Why do you compare yourself to me and others? What makes you better, what makes you more important? What makes any of what you do okay? What makes me so wrong? such a bad person? Who are you to be angry at me for something that everyone does, making a mistake. That's like punishing a kid for growing an inch, or smacking a dog for peeing in front of the door. Mistakes are inevitable, people grow, change, do things that are unintentional and no one seems to have any sense of understanding, of compassion, or empathy. More often than not you are mad as someone for doing something you've probably done at least once in your life, or thought about doing. It's called learning, growing, and evolving.

who in your life really matters? or rather what in your life really matters? People don't matter, things don't matter, opinions don't matter, in fact the only thing I can really think of that does matter is what you learn in life, and then what you do with what you learn. Life is one giant learning experience. People come and go, time heals and things are forgotten, everything changes, the world today was not the world yesterday and will not be the world tomorrow. So why do so many people care about trivial and mundane things? Is it because it gives them something to do, something to feel and think about? Does it give them a sense of existence, a reason to be alive? A meaning to their life? Why are people so afraid the truth? So afraid of other people, and other people's thoughts? Is it that sense, the need and desire to fit in? To be accepted and loved by all? The need to be the perfect person? Well nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, people do things unintentionally all the time. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that is all too true. I try, I really do. I try to make everyone happy, which I know you can't do, but I try anyways...and all I ever end up doing is making people mad and pushing them away or hurting them....all unintentionally. I try too hard I think, push too hard, hope too hard, Love too hard.... in the end it always, always, ends up the same. I don't even know why I'm surprised by it anymore. I guess like I said, I just hope too hard...I'm so young, such a kid, lost, don't know what to do, where to go, surrounded by people but for the most part feel exiled, pushed away, unwanted. Of course it's my fault, and I know that I've offended people, but again it was all unintentional. I have different standards than most, different views of things and I do things differently. I think that is what gets me in trouble with them most of time. they assume too much, don't really understand me, how I feel, how I react to things, then when something goes wrong because I'm doing something I thought was okay, was normal and acceptable, I get myself in trouble because I've crossed a line, broken some kind of rule or standard I was unaware of and overall just get stuck at the bottom of the heap labeled a liar, a cheat, a stupid whore etc the list goes on, again all from unintentional misunderstanding or differences of personality......*sigh, I am really that bad, fucked up, confused of a person that everyone in my life eventually, inevitably forgets about me...

Things are not going to change, I know that. Things are not going to get better, I know that. Things are steadily heading in the direction that they always have been and I'm stupid for standing in front of the train hoping it will magically shift tracks. What is it with me that in these circumstances it's always the same, it's like I refuse to be the one to give up and move on. I refuse to be the person to say no more. Does that make me a masochist? a sucker for punishment? Too hopeful, or just plain stupid? All in all I'm pretty sure I know how things are going to work from here on out, and I don't think it will end nicely. Right now things seem to be a bit overwhelming with everything, I think it's time to sort the bullshit in my life from what I want. It's not easy, really it isn't. I just hope that in the end things do end well, but I have this itching nagging feeling that all hell will break lose and I'll have to run off to far some edge of the world after it's all said and done.

Is it okay to feel trapped? To feel indebted, to feel like your forced in to some kind of servitude? To feel guilty about everything you do that they get mad about, to feel like you have to check with them before you do anything? Are these unreasonable expectations of me from someone who is just a friend? Albeit a close friend?

"Listen to me." whispers on the wind "My words will guide you and be your freedom."

Like a ghost through the trees, fading in and out of site, gliding silently along the forest floor, "Fallow me" again more whispers on wind. Like an echo across time. "Let me be your teacher, your guardian. Let me take you home." The form fades into the mist.

I want to fallow but I feel chained, stuck in place. There is a weight over my head, darkness surrounding and closing in. I look and there are no chains binding me, only those in my mind. The key to my freedom lies within. Deep, deep down where few dare venture.  Down into the foundations of your being, the roots of your soul. That is where your real freedom is found, that is where we find the key to unlocking our minds and setting ourselves free.

I should have listened sooner. "It is never too late"
You were right all along, I'm sorry. "Don't apologize for your ignorance, we all grow at our own pace"
I should have known better..."Now you do, better than before, and the more times you do it, the better you will know, don't let making mistakes ruin your life, that is a huge part of it."
I'm better than this..."You are yourself, you can't be better or worse, we all make choices that aren't always the best, but how else do we learn what the right ones really are without making a few bad ones"

"You are young little one, a child yet, as much as you hate to admit it. You will stumble, trip, fall, scrape your knees countless times, and occasionally get tired of getting back up knowing it will only happen again sooner or later. You are strong, but never fool yourself into thinking that you must always be so. There is a time and a place for everything dear one, and weakness is just a big of part of us as our strength, we are there for others in their times of weakness because others are there for us in ours. You need to understand and realize that not much in life really matters past what we learn, how we learn it, and who we meet along the path that we make on our journey through life, no one will remember you for the mistakes that you made, but for the person that you became and what you did with what you learned."

The wolves are at my door.

Last night I dreamt of many things as I always do. And like most of my dreams there was a lot of meaning behind what was occurring within my dreams. The one that stands out is always the most important one and needs to be addressed. The wolves were at my door, angry, hungry, ravenous even. There were two of them, one white, one gray. In my dreams the white wolf is almost always a symbol of myself, my inner wolf, often times there are more than one wolf. Whether they are fighting, hunting, or a pack. Anyways like so many times before when I've dreamt of the wolves chasing me, I ran, ran for home, for comfort, for safety. But it wasn't enough this time, they sat outside, snarling, pacing waiting. I would open the door they would growl and lunge, and I'd jump back inside and slam the door scared, this went on until I went in the kitchen and grabbed a knife, thinking of killing them if I had to. I opened the door, knife ready, they didn't attack, just circled, growling, snapping at my legs. That's all I can remember, and I take these dreams seriously, it's my wolf's way of speaking to me. And I think she is trying to remind me of her and her needs. Over the past seven months I haven't had the ability or freedom to let her out, to give her some of her own freedom and it is starting to really take a toll on me and I'm sure on her. She wants out, she wants to hunt, to feed, to run with a pack and be a wolf just for one night. But she doesn't have a pack anymore, there are no wolves for her to run with, to hunt with, to sleep with. She is alone and that is why she is so angry, that is why I am filled with so much hatred and despair. She needs out. But am I supposed to do? People don't understand me as it is, some know I'm weird and accept that, but if I let go, they would think I was crazy for sure (maybe I am).

She'll never forget that night, as long ago as it may be. The rain, the thunder, him and his touch. She loved him, regardless of what everyone else said and believed he loved her too. She was only 17, he was 22 but that meant nothing to her she felt he was the rest of her life, but don't we all the first time we fall in love?

She shared a part of herself with him that no one else would ever get, she trusted him with her heart and soul and in the end she payed the price that love so often costs us all.

It took her months to finally pick herself back up from the pieces he left her in, the pain, the tears, the sleepless nights she spent awake wishing, hoping he would walk through that door and hold her in his arms so tight like he used to. But she knew it wouldn't happen, deep down she knew it, but she didn't want to believe it. Her mom and dad tried so hard to console her, but no amount of love could fix her heart or fill the emptiness he left so she cried again and again until she ran out of tears to cry.

Ten years later she had graduated high school, finished college, had a husband and a little girl. She stood beside his grave with a single white rose and sat and talked like she was talking to him. "I'm sorry I never came before, I hope you can understand...I love you and always will...I miss you everyday and I think of you every time it rains." she placed the flower on the grave, "I will never forget you or the love we had" she walked away.

The moonlight washed across the forest floor, broken by the canopy. The air smelt of damp moss, earth, and blood. The trail was getting weaker, the patches of blood smaller, the scent harder to pick up. She put her nose in the air, closed her eyes and listened. Crickets sang their melody and the tree frogs their symphony. She let out a low howl from the bottom of her chest, and it rose to meet the mother moon in the sky, long and lonesome. She paused again, just standing, waiting. *crack* there, her head jolted in the direction the sound came from, she didn't move, only watched. Movement. She bolted for it. Now was not the time for stealth. She heard the animal cry out with fear, watched it stumble as it tried desperately to get away. Not this time. This was it's end. White gleaming ivory, hard and smooth, punctured the warm soft hide. A gush of hot garnet liquid rushed from the wound, swirling around the smooth white ivory and into the mouth of the beast. Flowing over it's tongue with it's warm, sweet, metallic taste. The taste of blood, the taste of life, seeped down her throat. She fed more hungrily, snapping down harder. Pushing those ivory spears of death, deeper, and deeper into the neck of of her prey.
Gargled cries of pain echoed out of the victim's throat, only to be choked out by the viscious growls of the feeding beast. She sank her long sharp claws into the body of her prey and ripped it, shredded it to pieces. She let out a long deep roar that pierced the silence of the forest and started to lap at the blood flowing like crimson rivers from the body of her prey. She continued to feed until there was nothing left of her victim, no trace of existence remained. She had crushed bone with teeth, and sliced through flesh with precise ease. With her bloodied muzzle raised high to the full moon, she let out a howl, long and triumphant. The song of the wolf.

His touch was powerful. Not mean, not rough, but strong and precise. Wrapped in an aura of pleasure, I could feel his energy, his strength and oh how it moved me. Tightly holding me, teasing me with thoughts of what could come, but distracting me from everything but his hands exploring my body, running over every curve, touching me in just the right way. His hot breath in my ear, the sound of his beating heart, and his body pushed up against mine, holding me from behind.

It was electric, magnetic, pure attraction. He was experienced and new what he was doing. Touch me here, and I move like this, caress me here and I move like that. I don't know how many times he made me melt in his arms. And now I wonder if he knew just how badly I wanted him.

Like a lick of fire upon my back the whip landed again, but I didn't flinch. I was enjoying it too much, who knew such pain could be such intense pleasure. Again, and then again harder, this time I did flinch and instead of another kiss from the whip, it was his gentle calming touch, and any sense of pain melted away. He held me tight then, kissing my neck and running his hands over my body, talking to me softly. I couldn't have asked for a better first experience.

Omigod. Wow what a night!

I have no words to describe the intensity of what I felt last night. The attraction, the magnetism, the energy. I haven't felt anything close to that since the night at Chris' with Clifford when me and him made our connection. The only thoughts running through my head the whole time were wow, oh my god, this is fucking amazing, and I couldn't help but feel like he was what I've been waiting/looking for and just as I stop looking, *poof* there he is. Does it mean anything? No, not at all. It was harmless fun that I'm sure we both needed. I received my first flogging and single tail whipping. It was everything and more than what I was hoping it would be. The thing about him that got me the most and made me melt in his arms were his big strong hands and his powerful body. The way he would hold me was intense and so comforting. He made me feel small, and safe. I couldn't have asked for a better night with a better person. Playing with him all night took so much out of me, but it was so worth it.

I don't expect to ever let Brigham know just exactly what all happened last night, mostly because he would more than likely take it the wrong way or feel extremely jealous about it all. Either way, if he did ask I would tell him, but if he doesn't than I probably won't. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person.

Now Things Change.

Last night was the turning point, the milestone of a new beginning. He has two choices, change and things get better, or stay the same and lose everything he worked so hard for. Luckily for him he's smart enough to figure that one out.

It wasn't me who proposed that he change, in fact the opposite. It was I who was set on leaving, determined that things would not change and therefor would not get any better so I was removing myself from the situation and person who was causing me so much pain and grief. It was he who said he would try, he who said he loved me and wanted to be in my life. He who said who wanted to be able to see me happy, make me happy and know I was safe, even from myself. It was him who made the proposition that I give him time to prove to me that he is not the man I think and feel he is. So I've given him his second chance. If he fucks this up, there is nothing else. Only me leaving.

It is evident today that he is trying. Wants to try and be a better person for me. All in all Brigham is a man of very little compassion for anything. He doesn't socialize, except for with me, he doesn't want to be around people because he necessarily enjoys their company, except for with me, he doesn't care about anyone, except for me. He cares for me more than he cares for himself, which for him is saying a lot, but in general not very much. People don't really understand him. I do for the most part and it saddens me that he has come to the conclusions that he has about life. I know that he is capable of far more than what he does now. He is very intelligent as far as sciency stuff goes and math. He is logical...too logical. Everything with him is logic, he has no ability to separate himself from mathematical calculations, philosophical correctness, and logical conclusion. That is where he is just simply an over educated idiot. He takes it all too far and reacts the only way he knows how. With anger. For him it's comforting, it's what is familiar. He literally has an addiction to it. He needs to separate himself from the familiar and submerse himself in the unfamiliar, everything he shuns and calls retarded, stupid, and wrong. He is so narrow minded and such a blind fool at times. Though much of this will never change, I hope maybe I can show him that it's not all so bad as he seems to think it is.

He's tried so hard to steer me away from making mistakes. From fucking up my life and making stupid choices. His intentions at times are questionable, but for the most part seemed good. Just he went about it all the wrong ways. He is over bearing, controlling, manipulative, and at times a complete and utter whiney bitch, needy, or an ass hole. He is demanding and domineering. If he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it the way he wants it it's everyone elses fault and they owe him. It's like he feels the world owes him something and that he is entitled to so much because of things he has gone through in the past. From what he says, he had it bad growing up, and not a very easy life over all. He is conditioned to this way of life and because of it holds nothing much past anger, except according to him, when it comes to me.

All in all I don't know whether to believe him or not, after what happened last night and the talk that him and I had, I want to believe him, I'm afraid to though. I guess you could say I do believe him but refuse to allow myself to get carried away by any of it. I know I love him so is it so unlikely that he in return feels the same about me?

Him and I will NEVER be more than just friends. I made that very clear to myself last night, not that I haven't felt this for a long time but I've severed any kind thought or feeling like that for him for good. The way I care about him now is the way you would care for a child. You see they blunder around and make mistakes, that they don't quite know what they are doing at times and need you there for some sort of reassurance and guidance. I have no doubts that very soon I would be able to leave and have no repercussions from doing so.

Over the next month my goals are to re establish my independence, establish his, make it very clear to him that I am in no way his, and that he only has what ever I give him when it comes to me. Things will change. One way or another, they will change. But change takes time. So we will see what kind of change occurs.

Things are such a chaotic mess, spiraling ever down towards a crash landing against my will, pride and life. It's all my fault, all of this. If I could just give up everything and be happy with what I have, settle for this instead of having hopes, dreams, wants and desires everything would be okay. I'd be okay with this, with him. I love him so god damned much and I can't for the life of me understand why he treats me the way he does, why he can't be affectionate, loving and careing. It's like he has no heart left, no tenderness left in his soul. He is draining all the love for anything from my heart and leaving me trapped like a bird in a cage. Dreaming of open skies, the sun and the clouds, the wind upon my face and never ending freedom. Only to be locked in a box and fed only what he decides to give me and I'm supposed to love him for it.....but I do love him so much. I would leave if I had the heart the heart to leave the man who said he would never love again and yet chose to love me. How could I ever hurt him? How could I ever inflict such a thing upon any person? I know too well what it is to have your heart torn from your chest, still beating bright, and have it crushed before your very eyes by the one whom held it so dearly. How could I ever do that? I've put myself in this position, it was my desire and curiosity that got me my devotion and love that keep me here but my heart and soul that pay the price, and such a dear price that it is. To live without a person who holds you close and whispers in your ear at night how much they love you and will never let you go, that they will hold you tight until the sands of time themselves erode us away, it is torture. I need passion, I need love at it finest and won't rest until I find it. It's killing me, sitting here, stuck in a cage lick some domesticated slave animal, some pet for a man who likes the way I look, or likes having me around. I'm a being filled with a thirst and need for adventure, the unknown, wild abandon. Being stuck like this does nothing but rot my soul and stagnate my heart, threatens to take it all away. I'm beyond a point of breaking, I'm in the midst of it. And now am faced with a choice that is all too clear. Break or be broken, the sad part is I already know which I have chosen....An iron will does not bend nor break, but when touched by the fire of love and compassion, melts.

What am I feeling?

-Lost
-Worthless.
-Depressed and sad.
-Hurt.
-Rejected.
-Angry.
-Violent.
-Confused and twisted like I'm missing something or not understanding something.
-Isolated and alone.

Why am I feeling these things?

-My needs are not being met.
-I'm in a position of little to no power over myself and my life/decisions.
-The person I have entrusted myself to doesn't treat me the way I want and need to be treated.
-The person I want to get certain things from won't give them to me, but gives them to others, making me feel worthless and rejected.
-The constant stress of a dirty house, and dealing with ridiculous problems concerning money and bills.
-Having to care for a dog that I hate and don't want.

Things that could help or solve the issues/ problems and resolve the negative feelings.

-Getting more of what I need, Physical attention, Tender Love and Care, Sex, Affection, Romance, a Partner/ Relationship.
-Being in a better environment. The one I am in now feels hostile, negative, and stressful. I need to be in a place where I feel love, calm, free, no worries.
-Being in a better financial situation. Getting a job.
-Being surrounded by more of what I love and enjoy.


Having looked at everything and sorted it out, really what I need is more freedom to do what I want and need when I want. I need a job, and serious committed loving partner. Now bringing this to him won't be easy because I know he will just put down everything and tell me I'm stupid and what I'm feeling is bullshit and say that I need to pull my head out of my ass. But fuck him. This is what I want and what I am going to work towards, whether he helps me or not.

"Put up with what? Other than me caring for you and taking care of you."

What do I put up with he asks, other than him caring for and about me. Hmmm let me see. He really pissed me off the other day and I think he realized just how seriously pissed off I was for once. Besides the constant bitching and arguing I endure, there's all these little things that bother me. It's always the little things that get to you the most. The way he eats, what he eats. The way he cooks, the way he tries to tell me how to cook like I know nothing. The way he always feels the need to explain things to me that I don't care about (but according to him should) and ignores the important things by saying "It's not important to understand why something is the way it is, just that it is." and oh my fuck does that piss me off. He's always yelling at the dog, saying he'll help me with him, then doesn't or what he considers helping I'd rather he didn't help at all. He makes constant messes and never cleans them up, it's like he knows if he waits long enough I'll get annoyed and do it myself or eventually HAVE to. The money thing has just become a whole chaotic mess, wait, no, this entire situation has become a huge chaotic mess. And I really, REALLY, just don't care anymore. I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago and just stop caring, stop worrying and stop trying to do anything other than keep myself as stable as possible. Fuck it. I try to help and I do is get pushed aside and chastised for it. So fuck it. It's making my life easier, happier, and I'm learning the lesson that you can't help everyone, you can't please everyone and you can't always put everyone else before you. It would be nice if  I was able to, but at this point in time it's just impossible. I've tried and maybe if I was a stronger person I wouldn't care the costs but I need to concentrate on my future. Maybe if they were trying harder and showing me that they legitimately cared and were trying I'd be okay with it but at this point there is no effort on their part and therefor I have no sympathy for a man who digs his own grave. I've helped him more than I think he knows and now I can't without jeopardizing so much more and to me it's not worth it, in the end it's just not.

Things should be getting better. Whether or not we move, get kicked out, I move back home, new room mates. Whatever it is, it will be better than this, and of course I always keep the mental note that even though things seem bad, they could always be worse. At least I'm going to school, I'll be finding a job, I'm on my own, 18, and been smart with my life so far. I have a chance to be something, to be someone, to grow and hopefully one day maybe I'll be able to help the people that right now I just can't. But only after I help myself. Which makes sense. In a way by doing this, in the end I'm really doing it for them, to help them just as much as myself. I owe this to everyone. My family, my friends, and most importantly me.

The next few months will fly by, before I know it I'll be back in school. Things will change, I will grow and change. Things will get better, things will change. Change, the most important and most constant guaranteed part of life. I'm so focused and wrapped on the now, on the negative, on the things that need to be fixed, never the things that I have, the positive, the gifts and awesomness that life has given me. Sure things aren't perfect, they never will be, I'm content with most things, and working out the kinks, lol the "kinks" in my life and things are like I said, getting better. And hopefully will continue to do so. Frank was right that with the right person your relationship will never have downs, because together you work through it all and in the end come out happier and stronger than before. And that's what's happening, we are working through things as a team, together helping one another get through this crazy labyrinth of life. And as much as I complain and have my pet peevs about him I love him and wouldn't trade him for the world. He's amazing to me and sure there are moments but everyone has those moments, everyone has their dislikes, discomforts and things they don't agree on, it's being able to look past it all, work through it all and still be able to hold hands and smile. That is love, real true, raw love.

The story book, fairy tale version of love, as amazing as it and how wonderful it is to day dream about, doesn't exist. Moments of it do and those are the moments we most cherish, but in reality love is fraught with every emotion, including the not so good ones. But in the end the, if you're with the right person, the negative ones bring you closer together and make you a stronger couple. It's just having what it takes, and caring about the person enough to go through it with and for them. And this is proving to be one of those times where I have found somebody worth going through it all for and it appears that they feel the same, or I wouldn't be sitting here typing this. Not if things had ended badly the other night. It must be so hard for him with me being as young as I am. As mature as everyone says I am, I'm still a teenager and this is still all so new to me. It's a lot of frustration for him I'm sure and a lot of stress. I feel kind of bad but then again he wouldn't put up with it and continue doing everything he does if he didn't care right?

The worst thing I could do right now I think would be to allow myself to feel like I'm some kind of exception with him, in fact that might be the worse thing I could ever do, even if it were true. As good as it would make me feel, I think it would just in the end lead me to taking things for granted and I don't ever want that to happen.

So he's brought up the suggestion that me and him should get a service sub. At first I hated the idea, thinking it was just a way to "replace me" What the fuck would I want a service sub for? But he says in a lot of ways it will help things between me and him and give me a lot more of what I feel I need and am missing from him because he feels that by having another person in the mix it will have less of a chance of messing things up between me and him. So I'm trusting him and besides I won't know until I try, and I've agreed to trying it out. And he's promised me that if for any reason I get uncomfortable or feel there is a problem he will get rid of her. lol his words were "I would throw her through, yes through, the door by her hair and pussy lips." lol so that's given me a little more confidence with the idea of this situation as well.

So he has already began scheduling play dates for me. One with Dereck and one with Fern and Sar. Those are just play dates mind you, not the sex. That is a whole different party don't you know lol. So we will see how that turns out. In truth it excites me, the idea of not knowing. The mystery, the erotic potential. And at the same time even the fear is a turn on. Lets see what the future has in store for me :)

There is no real way to explain what I am feeling, at least there is no real way for me to portray the reasons as to why I am feeling this way or Why it is exactly. All I know is I love him, more than I love some of my family, more than my brothers, more than maybe my own parents. He is my best friend and yet at times the source for some of my worst sorrow. But maybe that is what makes me so attracted to him, so enamored by him. No matter how mad he makes me, no matter how pissed off, irritated or hurt I am by him or his actions. All it takes is an I love you, I'm sorry, a hug, a snuggle, a kiss and my world is at peace, everything is okay and I feel safe. Maybe it's the fear that he once he starts spending more time with other people, forming new "relationships" with people he will see me differently, all the things I fear will come true. In the end it is all fear I suppose. My own insecurities. But I shouldn't let that get between him and I and the bond that him and I share. The idea of him playing with other girls doesn't bother me persay, sure I'm a little jealous but for the most part I'm over it. I understand it because I'm the same way. A lot of what I've been feeling lately is new, even how much I love him, how deeply I hold him and the connection we have is all so new to me, only because I never thought two people could share so much, be so close and not have a relationship, no sex, no sexuality. Though when I think about it why wouldn't it be possible? Sex is a commodity, pure instinct, raw emotion and animosity. That's what I love about it. The energy, the animosity, the connection. And I know that is why I get jealous or used to, when he would mention fucking other girls when he hasn't and won't fuck me. To me it's an energy exchange, your purest, rawest emotional energy and spirituality, you become a part of them and they become a part of you. They see you in your most exposed, vulnerable state. To me it's the strongest portrayal of your feelings for someone, your trust and desire. Sure sex is sex, but with me it's never just sex and as much as I can understand that a fuck is a fuck and making love is making love. I can only understand it to an extent because of how I see it, how it feels to me. That's why it rubs me the wrong way when he is so willingly and actively and trying to find someone to be sexual with and yet denies me the opportunity, though his reasons for doing so are understandable and amiable, just at times I lose myself and forget that his version of sex and my version of sex are two very different things. To me it is almost a ritualistic experience and with him it's like going to a restaurant and ordering a burger. I wonder if I'll ever be able to really understand how someone can make such an act of emotion and spiritual connection such a menial objectified commodity. Maybe it's just my youth, inexperience and naivety,or perhaps I'm just incapable of having meaningless, emotionless sex. He just laughs at me and calls me silly when I try and explain this to him. And in a way I guess it hurts that he doesn't take me seriously, doesn't take my feelings and thoughts seriously or try and talk to me, instead he tells me I need to change, attacks my views and leaves me broken, confused, and lost. He makes me feel that everything I do is wrong, makes me feel like I'm stupid, that I don't know anything. And maybe he is right, I'm 18 and young and don't know much of anything about life. But instead of criticizing and pushing and bullying me, all things that I don't need and don't react well to at all. He should be trying to walk me through things, explaining them so I understand and can see for myself instead of telling them to me and expecting me to take it all for face value with no explanation because "it's not important you understand why something is, it's just important that you understand it is". I fucking hate when he pulls that shit. It's like some stupid excuse, some way to avoid the trouble of actually having to take the time to sit down and talk, not argue, not tell me, talk with me and discuss. I hate how he blows me off and discredits anything I say because I'm 18 and I can't possibly know. I know nothing. Some days he is a little much to handle, which is another reason why I don't necessarily like the idea of him being with other girls. They will get to see a side of him that I never get to see, experience and know him in a way I will never get to. They get all the good and none of the shit I have to put up with sometimes. So I feel like in a way I'm taken for granted, that I'm unappreciated. He makes all of these nice comments about all of these other girls, and I get border line semi abuse and the occasional five second cuddle, hug or kiss whenever he feels like it. With him it's always about what he feels, what he wants, and it seems like as long as he gets what he wants he is happy and if I can't be happy for him that I'm a bad person. Some times I think he can be so inconsiderate about my feelings, but then again how I feel isn't his problem now is it? I'm in charge of my emotions, I'm the one responsible for making myself happy. So I can't expect him to want to make sure I'm getting everything I need or be the one to supply it. I just get so mixed up, so confused and turned upside down backwards sometimes. Is this really a healthy choice for me? Is this really the healthiest living situation for me to be in? I'm faced everyday with the same realizations, fears, feelings, stresses, irritations, and negativity that I just don't have it in me to be happy, I don't have the time or energy after dealing with all of that for me and what I want. It's come to a point where I've made the decision that I can no longer be worried about what he wants, what he expects from me, what he needs but I need to focus on me because no one else will. It's not an easy decision, because I love him and don't want to cause a rift between us, but he can't be what I need him to be and as much as it hurts and saddens me because he can't be the man I need or want him to be I have to stand up and be my own Alpha again, which means that he is going to have to accept that. I just hope he can understand that. It will change who I am, the way I act, the way I respond to him. I didn't and don't want things to change, but they need to because if they don't I'm digging my own hole and it's just going to get deeper and deeper and darker and darker. I'm the only one who can change that, I'm the only one who can protect me and do what is best for me, I'm the only one who knows me, really truly knows who I am. He says I can't lie, if only he knew, he says I can't act...he has no idea. Sometimes the person I really am on the inside scares me, in fact everyday I scare myself. I don't want to be that person so I do everything I can to drive myself away from it, to push myself to be the better person, to be the girl that everybody sees I am, and thinks I am. But none of them really know, I don't even think he does. If I were someone else I wouldn't believe me either. The worst part is their doubt and naivety only makes me want to use that against them. As long as they think I'm what I want them to see, they believe the act I put on for everyone including myself it just makes them easy prey, puts them in the exact position I want them to be in. But then I pry myself away from that, I don't want to be like that, I don't want to hurt people anymore, I don't want to use people, I don't want to be mean and cruel, I just want to be the girl I let everyone believe I am. Especially when it comes to him I want to be the best I can be, I want to make him proud and prove to him that I really am worth something. But it seems no matter what I do, how hard I try, it's never enough, it's never good enough and he just criticizes and makes me ask why I even try. So I've stopped doing things for him because he either never noticed, and if he did just made me feel bad about it, or if he did notice, just made me feel bad about it and unappreciated. There are so many reasons, so many things that he does that give me ample reason to want to leave, and trust me it crosses my mind almost everyday. But I love him and care about him way too much to do that to him. As much as he pisses me off he makes me happier than anybody else in the world. He means more to me than the world itself, I've never cried more over a person than I have over him. I've never been afraid of losing someone, but I'm constantly afraid of losing him. It's just I feel like he takes it all so lightly, that he takes me so lightly. He doesn't make me feel wanted, he doesn't make me feel good about myself, and often causes me more sorrow than happiness. And yet the little bits of happiness make everything okay, but that doesn't last forever, it's not enough. Love is never enough. No matter how strong it's not strong enough to hold itself together. And it's starting to fray at the edges and I'm not sure how much longer it can last. I try, god knows I've pushed myself further, done more things for him than I have ever done for anyone including myself and yet he takes it all like he expects it and more on a constant basis. It hurts and digs in like thorn to my heart. But I grin and bear it because I have hope. Hope that maybe things will change, that maybe they will get better. That maybe it is all just me being stupid and young, that I'll learn and grow and learn to cope, even thrive, but honestly it's killing me inside. Slowly, tortuously eating  away at my heart and soul. I can't take much more and yet I don't want to stop, don't want to give up. But if he is unwilling to compromise, unwilling to try, then why should I give him way more than I've ever received?  

I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry that you throw a fit when you don't get everything you want.
I'm sorry that your own inabilities to look after yourself make it seem like it is always everyone else's fault.
I'm sorry that I was stupid and naive and believed that you were better than what you are proving to me that you are.
I'm sorry that I believed in you, trusted you and let you lead me around on a leash to show you just how much I cared about you only to be taken for granted because you are too blind to see or ignorant enough to do so.
I'm sorry that now I've decided you are not what is best for me and I need to move on.
I'm sorry that all of this is my fault for desiring you so deeply.
I'm sorry that you can't allow yourself to live through your heart.
I'm sorry that I'm so young and want to live, experience, make mistakes, and learn.
I'm sorry that we are so alike and yet so different.
I'm sorry about those nights I lied awake in bed, dreaming, hoping , wishing and crying over you, about, and because of you.
I'm sorry that my heart and soul are stronger than yours.

Anger.

And heres the fucking anger again AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! I just want it all to go away! Why I can't I do what I know is best for me? Why can't I bring it upon myself to stop all of this now?.....I'm so weak and pathetic....I guess I'm really getting exactly what I deserve. This all started because of my strong desire to be with him, I left somebody I loved and had an amazing relationship with for him, well for to have a chance to be with him. And here I am as close as I'll ever be with him and I'm so unhappy. So lost and so God damned angry. How is anything he does for me or says to me supposed to mean anything when I'm not the only person he says it to? How am I supposed to believe him? How am I supposed to feel in a situation like this?.....It's like my heart is being ripped out of me inch by inch and I won't stop it from happening because I love him and care about him too much to do anything about it. I only hope that Kevin can help....he's the one man I know I will always be able to look to for solid advice on any matter, no matter how hard it is for me to really approach him with with anything.

I thought I was over this. This stupid jealousy thing. I thought I had found that solid middle ground where I could stand tall and happy with my life. With what love he gives me. Is it wrong of me to say that everything I do I feel is worthless to him? Is it wrong of me to say that when it all comes down to it I don't think I really am all that special to him? Who am I to feel special? Who am I to give myself the idea that it's okay to feel like to one person I could be the most important thing in their life? I'm nothing, I'm just like everybody else. And he will get bored of having me around and want somebody new, someone prettier, smarter, funnier. Someone his age. He once told me he would never love again, but he now he tells me he loves me every day. So when he says he will never have a relationship ever again all I can think is he just needs time and he will find that somebody when he least expects it. Life is like that, it creeps up on you and tackles you to the ground, knocking the wind out you and you get up and realize there is no such thing as never, you learn to expect the unexpected. I just feel that my own insecurities, the ones of him tossing me aside, forgetting about me, are really what's going to cause it in the first place. They say it's often on the road of avoiding something that we meet it. So I try my best to overlook things, to cope with my insecurities and learn from this experience, but all I'm really learning is that I can't live like this. As much as I love and care about him it's killing me inside. My heart can't take it.

He asks what it is I feel so badly over and I reply because him and I have no physical relationship. Aside from holding hands, love pecks, and the occasion/rare cuddle/snuggle. We are very intimate and close for two people that don't have any sexual history (aside from three or four bj's, but that was months ago). I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate what we have, I do, I really do. The connection and bond that him and I share is beautiful and amazing. But it kills me inside when I hear him call some other girl beautiful or sexy when he hardly says it to me, or when he hits on and flirts with another girl, when all he really does is bitch, whine, complain, make fun of me, tease me, and brush me off when I try and talk to him about me feelings and emotions. I feel so unwanted sometimes, like some kind of commodity that he takes for granted. I feel like a dog on a short leash and choke chain. I feel so trapped. He has so little consideration for my feelings and needs. If he really cared he would be trying to help me when I reach out and ask for his help, instead of telling me I need to change. Does all of this make me selfish? Does needing more and wanting more than what we have together make me a greedy, undeserving, unappreciative person? That's what I'm so afraid of, I'm afraid of taking it all for granted and fucking everything up by asking for more. By pushing for what I feel I need. All I ever do is fuck up the best things in my life by pursuing happiness and I don't want to make that mistake again. Everything with me has always been black and white, it either is or isn't. It's yes or no with nothing inbetween. Maybe that is where some of what I am faced with now concerning my feelings is coming from. There is no chance of me and him ever being together, and always in the past when faced with that reality I would just up and leave without looking back. I would do the same here, have wanted to do the same here, but he's not like the others. He wants me close, he likes having me around, by his side. So if I were to just leave it would break his heart and I can't do that to him, I won't do that to him. But by sitting here and watching him pursue these other girls it hurts. Because I know eventually, inevitably he will find a girl just like he found me, and he may not forget about me or stop caring about me, but things will change. I just hate that I will have to be the one to sit here and wait for him to make that decision.

I guess for the simple reason that it stops me from having and finding what I want. It postpones me from continuing with my life. Which is selfish, I know, but it makes me so unhappy. So unbearably unhappy.

This could all be easily fixed if he would just overlook his complex of a relationship. He wants to be poly, which is fine and dandy and I would be more than happy with that, but only if him and I had a solid relationship first. I mean emotional and physical. But he refuses to have anything to do with my physically and sexually so it just makes things one huge complicated chaotic mess that I'm stuck in the middle of.

Hmmm.

Sometimes I think that he doesn't understand the entirety in which he holds my heart, it's bad though because at times I feel like I'm pushing it on him, making him feel like he has no choice but to love me. I love him so much and wish I could  share it with him more than I do. Just I think me and him have too very different ideas of how you demonstrate love. To me loving someone is holding them close and wrapping your arms around them tight, laying together in bed talking and laughing, bodies embraced. It's about the bond between two souls, basking in the radiance of each others hearts and energy. With him I don't know what he feels. Sometimes I wonder if he means what he says, the ways he shows his affection are so foreign to me I often don't know whether to be insulted or laugh it off and hope he doesn't do it again. Rarely if ever does he hold me, he says I love you but then "playfully" or "Lovingly" as he calls it, slaps me, pinches me, punches me, or makes fun of me. I can't remember the last time he really kissed me and meant it, or did anything that had any kind of passion behind it. Maybe he is just incapable of it. I really don't know. But it all confuses me and makes me wonder. There is nothing I want more than for him to just grab me and hold me, lovingly hold me tight and just reassure me that everything is going to be okay. To tell me that he loves me and then kiss me like he means it...but I guess that's almost like a dream, it would never happen in reality and to expect it to ever happen would only be hurting myself, which I think I spend most of my time doing these days anyways, with thoughts of love and romance, passion and desire. It feels like my heart is dieing and I don't know what to do. Deep down my instinct is to run, run far away, but my heart won't let me leave, I love him too much....god damnit I love him too much, I just wish he could see it.

A light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

Things got better today. I pulled my head out of my ass and decided to start doing things for me and no body else. It seemed to cheer me up a whole lot. Though I still seem to be plagued with these nagging feelings of wanting a relationship only to be pulled down to Earth because I love him and don't want anything to get between us. But it's just so hard when he doesn't give me everything I need emotionally and physically. I just wish things could be better between us. I mean things are great don't get me wrong, spectacular if you consider how intimate we are and we don't have sex and never have. The last time anything even remotely sexual happened between us was four months ago. I don't want to say that he needs to give me more, that's retarded. I'm not entitled to anything, and to say I am would be selfish and stupid. Just sometimes it's easier to have nothing at all instead of only a little here and a little there, if you know what I mean. It's nice, and I love him, but I feel like I need more. I feel unhappy and to say it's because of him would be wrong, it's not his fault. Maybe I'm just not appreciative enough, or maybe I'm just a greedy selfish bitch, I don't know, I really don't. All I know is how I feel right now and it's not much past loneliness and heartbroken. I try to be happy, try to get myself on my feet and independent but then he comes along and treats me really well, puts a smile on my face and leaves me begging for more, only to turn me away and say sorry, so I'm back where I started on my knees lost and confused. Maybe I'm just too young to understand, or maybe I'm just too inexperienced, but whatever it is I just wish I knew how to make things better. I just wish I knew how to be happy without having the things I feel I need. The only reason I stay, the only reason I do try and make myself happy here is because I love him and I want to be able to be here for him. I love him and in ways he makes me so happy, just in other ways I feel so unfulfilled and I think that is the root of my problem. I want him to be the one to fill those holes but I know he will never be that person, and only because he himself has made it clear. So I am fighting hard inside myself to find a way to keep things the way they are between me and him while finding ways to fulfill those parts of me without changing his and mine relationship and without over complicating things anywhere else. What do I do? I ask, what can I do?

emotional chaos continued.

so I didn't end up crying before I fell asleep. though when i woke up the dog had shit on the floor (again) and he told me, as we were walking out the door, that his friend rene was in town with his band today recording and that we were going to hangout with them later. o joy, just what i need, to be surrounded by greaser boys and their retarded girl groupies, shoot me...please.

Utter and Complete Internal Choas. My Own Hell.

Two days ago I had a major emotional breakdown, over seemingly nothing. I was sick that day, we were in the car on our way to Oshawa, then Barrie. I was supposed to go home that night to see my mom, spend some time with my brothers and sister, go visit my dad and maybe even some of my friends. I was looking forward to the time away from the house. Things here are crazy and I was getting so stressed, between the place being a constant mess no matter how often or to what extent I cleaned it, the dog always eating the garbage and pissing everywhere and being stuck here with no job so money is tight. I'm trying to get college figured out but things with that are going bad (he doesn't want me to go to Humber says it's in a bad neighborhood and is a bad school, but it's the only one that offers the course I need) He keeps me under his thumb like a tyrant, but what am I supposed to do, I love him, respect him, and he helps me so much...but he just pisses me off so god damned much it hurts. So yes, I was looking forward to going home and getting away for awhile, but on the way back from Oshawa he tells me to call my mom and tell her I'm too sick to come home. So I did. As soon as I got home I helped him sort out his stuff he just got, I went to do laundry and the washing machine was full, like it is every time I go to do laundry, and I was pissed off about that. I went with him to go and drop something off at his friends and on the way home he asked what I was going to do when we got back (expecting me to say sleep probably so he could tell me no and then tell me what he wanted me to do like always) but I said go to bed and cry, he asked why and I told him that I was really stressed about some stuff, he asked me what stuff, and as usual I told him not to worry about it, but he pushed so finally I said about the constant house work and cleaning up after him, our room mate and the dog. How the washing machine and laundry room are always full when I go to use them and the dog in general. I told him I wanted to sell the dog and he freaked out about that, saying that I only wanted to get rid of the dog because I was lazy and didn't want to look after it and put the time into making it a good dog and training it. Which may be true, but I didn't want the dog to begin with, he asked if I would mind having a dog around and I said no, it would be nice, assuming he meant if he was to get a dog, which he did, but instead of taking the responsibility for it he gave it to me. I don't want a puppy or the responsibilities of having one. But he says that part of being an adult is learning to deal with unwanted responsibilities, maturely and properly, and he is right. But right now I really don't need or want it, not to mention I hate the fucking thing, I don't think I even like it a little bit. But he said he would be severely disappointed in me if I were to get rid of it, and the only thing I fear worse than him being mad at me is him being disappointed in me and that if I were to get rid of the dog just because I'm too lazy to look after it and love it that not only would I be the first person he even knew or met to be that irresponsible but also that I wouldn't deserve him or any other dog, ever. It hurt really bad when he told me that. As soon as we got him I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I went in the room and started to cry. For at least an hour I cried and as I cried the pain just got worse and worse, the little voice in my head more and more vicious. "you're so fat and ugly who could ever love you?", "you can't even want yourself so what makes you think anyone else wants you?", "you're not good enough, you don't deserve him, no wonder he doesn't want you, you're too fat", and thoughts of my childhood and all the bullying and teasing I went through flashed through my head and it just kept getting worse. He came in and asked me what was wrong, said he was sorry for being so harsh and that he didn't mean to be so stern at times, all worried that he had been the cause of it. I told him not to worry that I'd be fine eventually, he pushed and prodded, trying to get and answer and then said he loved me and had to try and get some sleep because he was going to spend the day with Michelle the next day. My heart sank and I felt the tears brim in my eyes again as he walked out and closed the door, the little voice in my head already bombarding me with thought of him making love to her, kissing her and playing with her, holding her hand, smiling and laughing. I cried, and cried, and cried. I couldn't stop, after I thought I had run out of things to cry about I got up went to the washroom and cleaned up, grabbed a cup of coffee sat down, he woke up, bumped the table spilling my coffee and cursed at me for drinking his coffee. So I got, told him to drink it, went back in the room and started to cry again. All night I cried, cried myself to sleep. I didn't wake up until 1pm the next day, the dog had been in the garbage again, and he was gone. To spend the day with Michelle. I sat on the couch surfing the web all day until he got home at 6. He walked in the door, sat down, said something that I can't remember, oh where's my hug? he asked me, I replied, you didn't give me one. I'm the one that came through the door, you're supposed to get up and give ME the hug he said. I just looked at him, shut the laptop got up and went in the room, shit the door and started to cry again.I heard him turn a movie on and fall asleep. I cried for awhile, not really sure how long he came in after a bit and made me get up and watch a movie with him, said he was going to make me stay up all night with him because he loved me and didn't want me to wallow in my depression. We stayed up until 3am then he told me to go to bed, literally told me. I sat there and looked at him, solemnly, wishing he would come and sleep in there with me for the first time in months. But no luck, so I got up and walked to the room, closed the door laid down and cried again, and again and again until I finally passed out. I woke up twice during the next day but didn't finally get out of bed until 7pm (after crying a bit because as I was laying in bed alone for a month and begging him to come and sleep in there with me even just once, I realized that Tasha was coming over this weekend and I know that he will be sleeping that bed with her and knowing that hurts so god damned much) I took a hot shower, shaved, ,brushed my teeth and got dressed. Determined to try my best to cheer up a bit (even if I couldn't quite understand why I was still so upset) around 8 we went and got some dinner, came home and watched a few movies. After which we had a short talk about he felt I needed to get out of this rut, that I have so many positive things in my life to live for and be happy about and that I need to stop being so negative and saying that I'm fucked up because and I quote "You're not fucked up, you don't have any chemical imbalances, you're not bi-polar, you're not broken, no, you are not Jory, I'm sorry."....I knew it. I was just waiting for him to say it. He is thinking that just because this happened two days after we went to go and see my friend Jory who was in the psyche ward in Kingston for having a severe emotional melt down, that I was somehow trying to be her and probably thinks I'm doing all of this for attention. Well fuck him, that really pissed me off and hurt more than he knows. I know I'm not Jory. And as much as I envy her in some ways, I don't want to be her, and I don't wish I could be her. I have problems, I know I do. And it was sheer coincidence that this all happened so soon after seeing her. It was just a build up of stress and events in my life that upset me and caused me emotional pain. So here I am 7 am and I haven't gone to bed yet. It's been 12 hours since I cried last and I'm gonna go cry again. I don't know if it's a sense of loss(of something I never had but only wished I could have), a broken heart, or just my own insecurities.

Dominant v.s Submissive

    I have always considered myself a sub. Never really questioned it except for at times when it's been tested. But more and more I find myself being angry at the fact that people use it against me and push me around and wish there was something I could do stand up to these people. Not only that but I get angry and then find myself wanting to do mean and horrible things to them. I see it in my head, me grabbing them by the hair or the back of the head and driving there face into the closest, wall, table or my knee and just continually bashing there face off of the object until they have no face left. Or waiting just throwing myself at them and knocking them onto the floor and ripping into the flesh of their necks to hear them scream and making them do what I tell them to do. These are the thoughts of a Sadist and a Dominant no? Not a submissive. So I've been looking into being mentored by a dominant in the ways of dominating others and I guess then I'll find out whether or not I have what it takes to be what I see I can be in my mind and believe I can be in my heart.

    I wouldn't consider myself to be a heartless bitch though at times I confess I have thoughts that prove that is exactly what I can be. If I were to actually be what my conscious tells me I should be instead of being what I feel is what everyone else wants me to be then I don't think very many people would like me or want to be associated with me. I would be a huge slut, a thief, a liar. I would use you for everything you had, then take everything you owned and disappear. I would never have to work because I'd always have someone under my thumb, someone to use and manipulate to my will. I know I'm capable of it, I've done it before. But the question of morals then always arises. Do they really deserve it? No but why do I care, do I deserve to be poor and mistreated all the time? But my answer is always no, they don't deserve it, they worked hard for what they have and why should I be entitled to take away everything they worked so hard to get. When it comes down to it in the end the better half of me always wins. Even if it leads me to pain, despair, poverty, and unhappiness. Because I am a submissive, and I always will be. No matter how badly I want to be a dominant...I will always be a sub.

Time for a Little Spring Cleaning.

    It's the time of year when the Earth begins to awaken from it's winter hibernation. The sun rises earlier and sets later, the days get warmer and the animals come out of hiding. Spring approaches. A time for the celebration of life and new beginnings. Not only for nature, but also for ourselves. Spring is the herald for the coming of Summer, the spark that lights the flame of life and we would do well to take heed of what Mother Nature tells us through the changing of seasons.

    Winter is hard. It's cold, desolate, purity, and death. It tests all living things and only the strong survive to see the light of Spring. It is no different for us then it is the animals, the trees or the plants. Only instead of food scarcity we suffer from depression, instead of braving the cold and the wind we must brave the dark side of our hearts.

    The coming spring sheds the darkness from the world and melts the frost, ice and snow from the Earth, just as we should melt the negativity and sorrows from our souls. Spring is about the creation of life, the beginning of something beautiful and to let your soul carry the burdens that winter has plagued you with would rob you of the joys that Spring brings. You must not allow yourself to suffer over your suffering.

    Now is a time to let go of all that weighs you down, a time to let slip the darkness that holds your heart and rise above it to the light of a new dawn.