Dominant v.s Submissive

    I have always considered myself a sub. Never really questioned it except for at times when it's been tested. But more and more I find myself being angry at the fact that people use it against me and push me around and wish there was something I could do stand up to these people. Not only that but I get angry and then find myself wanting to do mean and horrible things to them. I see it in my head, me grabbing them by the hair or the back of the head and driving there face into the closest, wall, table or my knee and just continually bashing there face off of the object until they have no face left. Or waiting just throwing myself at them and knocking them onto the floor and ripping into the flesh of their necks to hear them scream and making them do what I tell them to do. These are the thoughts of a Sadist and a Dominant no? Not a submissive. So I've been looking into being mentored by a dominant in the ways of dominating others and I guess then I'll find out whether or not I have what it takes to be what I see I can be in my mind and believe I can be in my heart.

    I wouldn't consider myself to be a heartless bitch though at times I confess I have thoughts that prove that is exactly what I can be. If I were to actually be what my conscious tells me I should be instead of being what I feel is what everyone else wants me to be then I don't think very many people would like me or want to be associated with me. I would be a huge slut, a thief, a liar. I would use you for everything you had, then take everything you owned and disappear. I would never have to work because I'd always have someone under my thumb, someone to use and manipulate to my will. I know I'm capable of it, I've done it before. But the question of morals then always arises. Do they really deserve it? No but why do I care, do I deserve to be poor and mistreated all the time? But my answer is always no, they don't deserve it, they worked hard for what they have and why should I be entitled to take away everything they worked so hard to get. When it comes down to it in the end the better half of me always wins. Even if it leads me to pain, despair, poverty, and unhappiness. Because I am a submissive, and I always will be. No matter how badly I want to be a dominant...I will always be a sub.