A light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

Things got better today. I pulled my head out of my ass and decided to start doing things for me and no body else. It seemed to cheer me up a whole lot. Though I still seem to be plagued with these nagging feelings of wanting a relationship only to be pulled down to Earth because I love him and don't want anything to get between us. But it's just so hard when he doesn't give me everything I need emotionally and physically. I just wish things could be better between us. I mean things are great don't get me wrong, spectacular if you consider how intimate we are and we don't have sex and never have. The last time anything even remotely sexual happened between us was four months ago. I don't want to say that he needs to give me more, that's retarded. I'm not entitled to anything, and to say I am would be selfish and stupid. Just sometimes it's easier to have nothing at all instead of only a little here and a little there, if you know what I mean. It's nice, and I love him, but I feel like I need more. I feel unhappy and to say it's because of him would be wrong, it's not his fault. Maybe I'm just not appreciative enough, or maybe I'm just a greedy selfish bitch, I don't know, I really don't. All I know is how I feel right now and it's not much past loneliness and heartbroken. I try to be happy, try to get myself on my feet and independent but then he comes along and treats me really well, puts a smile on my face and leaves me begging for more, only to turn me away and say sorry, so I'm back where I started on my knees lost and confused. Maybe I'm just too young to understand, or maybe I'm just too inexperienced, but whatever it is I just wish I knew how to make things better. I just wish I knew how to be happy without having the things I feel I need. The only reason I stay, the only reason I do try and make myself happy here is because I love him and I want to be able to be here for him. I love him and in ways he makes me so happy, just in other ways I feel so unfulfilled and I think that is the root of my problem. I want him to be the one to fill those holes but I know he will never be that person, and only because he himself has made it clear. So I am fighting hard inside myself to find a way to keep things the way they are between me and him while finding ways to fulfill those parts of me without changing his and mine relationship and without over complicating things anywhere else. What do I do? I ask, what can I do?