Last night was the turning point, the milestone of a new beginning. He has two choices, change and things get better, or stay the same and lose everything he worked so hard for. Luckily for him he's smart enough to figure that one out.
It wasn't me who proposed that he change, in fact the opposite. It was I who was set on leaving, determined that things would not change and therefor would not get any better so I was removing myself from the situation and person who was causing me so much pain and grief. It was he who said he would try, he who said he loved me and wanted to be in my life. He who said who wanted to be able to see me happy, make me happy and know I was safe, even from myself. It was him who made the proposition that I give him time to prove to me that he is not the man I think and feel he is. So I've given him his second chance. If he fucks this up, there is nothing else. Only me leaving.
It is evident today that he is trying. Wants to try and be a better person for me. All in all Brigham is a man of very little compassion for anything. He doesn't socialize, except for with me, he doesn't want to be around people because he necessarily enjoys their company, except for with me, he doesn't care about anyone, except for me. He cares for me more than he cares for himself, which for him is saying a lot, but in general not very much. People don't really understand him. I do for the most part and it saddens me that he has come to the conclusions that he has about life. I know that he is capable of far more than what he does now. He is very intelligent as far as sciency stuff goes and math. He is logical...too logical. Everything with him is logic, he has no ability to separate himself from mathematical calculations, philosophical correctness, and logical conclusion. That is where he is just simply an over educated idiot. He takes it all too far and reacts the only way he knows how. With anger. For him it's comforting, it's what is familiar. He literally has an addiction to it. He needs to separate himself from the familiar and submerse himself in the unfamiliar, everything he shuns and calls retarded, stupid, and wrong. He is so narrow minded and such a blind fool at times. Though much of this will never change, I hope maybe I can show him that it's not all so bad as he seems to think it is.
He's tried so hard to steer me away from making mistakes. From fucking up my life and making stupid choices. His intentions at times are questionable, but for the most part seemed good. Just he went about it all the wrong ways. He is over bearing, controlling, manipulative, and at times a complete and utter whiney bitch, needy, or an ass hole. He is demanding and domineering. If he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it the way he wants it it's everyone elses fault and they owe him. It's like he feels the world owes him something and that he is entitled to so much because of things he has gone through in the past. From what he says, he had it bad growing up, and not a very easy life over all. He is conditioned to this way of life and because of it holds nothing much past anger, except according to him, when it comes to me.
All in all I don't know whether to believe him or not, after what happened last night and the talk that him and I had, I want to believe him, I'm afraid to though. I guess you could say I do believe him but refuse to allow myself to get carried away by any of it. I know I love him so is it so unlikely that he in return feels the same about me?
Him and I will NEVER be more than just friends. I made that very clear to myself last night, not that I haven't felt this for a long time but I've severed any kind thought or feeling like that for him for good. The way I care about him now is the way you would care for a child. You see they blunder around and make mistakes, that they don't quite know what they are doing at times and need you there for some sort of reassurance and guidance. I have no doubts that very soon I would be able to leave and have no repercussions from doing so.
Over the next month my goals are to re establish my independence, establish his, make it very clear to him that I am in no way his, and that he only has what ever I give him when it comes to me. Things will change. One way or another, they will change. But change takes time. So we will see what kind of change occurs.
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