"Put up with what? Other than me caring for you and taking care of you."

What do I put up with he asks, other than him caring for and about me. Hmmm let me see. He really pissed me off the other day and I think he realized just how seriously pissed off I was for once. Besides the constant bitching and arguing I endure, there's all these little things that bother me. It's always the little things that get to you the most. The way he eats, what he eats. The way he cooks, the way he tries to tell me how to cook like I know nothing. The way he always feels the need to explain things to me that I don't care about (but according to him should) and ignores the important things by saying "It's not important to understand why something is the way it is, just that it is." and oh my fuck does that piss me off. He's always yelling at the dog, saying he'll help me with him, then doesn't or what he considers helping I'd rather he didn't help at all. He makes constant messes and never cleans them up, it's like he knows if he waits long enough I'll get annoyed and do it myself or eventually HAVE to. The money thing has just become a whole chaotic mess, wait, no, this entire situation has become a huge chaotic mess. And I really, REALLY, just don't care anymore. I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago and just stop caring, stop worrying and stop trying to do anything other than keep myself as stable as possible. Fuck it. I try to help and I do is get pushed aside and chastised for it. So fuck it. It's making my life easier, happier, and I'm learning the lesson that you can't help everyone, you can't please everyone and you can't always put everyone else before you. It would be nice if  I was able to, but at this point in time it's just impossible. I've tried and maybe if I was a stronger person I wouldn't care the costs but I need to concentrate on my future. Maybe if they were trying harder and showing me that they legitimately cared and were trying I'd be okay with it but at this point there is no effort on their part and therefor I have no sympathy for a man who digs his own grave. I've helped him more than I think he knows and now I can't without jeopardizing so much more and to me it's not worth it, in the end it's just not.

Things should be getting better. Whether or not we move, get kicked out, I move back home, new room mates. Whatever it is, it will be better than this, and of course I always keep the mental note that even though things seem bad, they could always be worse. At least I'm going to school, I'll be finding a job, I'm on my own, 18, and been smart with my life so far. I have a chance to be something, to be someone, to grow and hopefully one day maybe I'll be able to help the people that right now I just can't. But only after I help myself. Which makes sense. In a way by doing this, in the end I'm really doing it for them, to help them just as much as myself. I owe this to everyone. My family, my friends, and most importantly me.

The next few months will fly by, before I know it I'll be back in school. Things will change, I will grow and change. Things will get better, things will change. Change, the most important and most constant guaranteed part of life. I'm so focused and wrapped on the now, on the negative, on the things that need to be fixed, never the things that I have, the positive, the gifts and awesomness that life has given me. Sure things aren't perfect, they never will be, I'm content with most things, and working out the kinks, lol the "kinks" in my life and things are like I said, getting better. And hopefully will continue to do so. Frank was right that with the right person your relationship will never have downs, because together you work through it all and in the end come out happier and stronger than before. And that's what's happening, we are working through things as a team, together helping one another get through this crazy labyrinth of life. And as much as I complain and have my pet peevs about him I love him and wouldn't trade him for the world. He's amazing to me and sure there are moments but everyone has those moments, everyone has their dislikes, discomforts and things they don't agree on, it's being able to look past it all, work through it all and still be able to hold hands and smile. That is love, real true, raw love.

The story book, fairy tale version of love, as amazing as it and how wonderful it is to day dream about, doesn't exist. Moments of it do and those are the moments we most cherish, but in reality love is fraught with every emotion, including the not so good ones. But in the end the, if you're with the right person, the negative ones bring you closer together and make you a stronger couple. It's just having what it takes, and caring about the person enough to go through it with and for them. And this is proving to be one of those times where I have found somebody worth going through it all for and it appears that they feel the same, or I wouldn't be sitting here typing this. Not if things had ended badly the other night. It must be so hard for him with me being as young as I am. As mature as everyone says I am, I'm still a teenager and this is still all so new to me. It's a lot of frustration for him I'm sure and a lot of stress. I feel kind of bad but then again he wouldn't put up with it and continue doing everything he does if he didn't care right?

The worst thing I could do right now I think would be to allow myself to feel like I'm some kind of exception with him, in fact that might be the worse thing I could ever do, even if it were true. As good as it would make me feel, I think it would just in the end lead me to taking things for granted and I don't ever want that to happen.

So he's brought up the suggestion that me and him should get a service sub. At first I hated the idea, thinking it was just a way to "replace me" What the fuck would I want a service sub for? But he says in a lot of ways it will help things between me and him and give me a lot more of what I feel I need and am missing from him because he feels that by having another person in the mix it will have less of a chance of messing things up between me and him. So I'm trusting him and besides I won't know until I try, and I've agreed to trying it out. And he's promised me that if for any reason I get uncomfortable or feel there is a problem he will get rid of her. lol his words were "I would throw her through, yes through, the door by her hair and pussy lips." lol so that's given me a little more confidence with the idea of this situation as well.

So he has already began scheduling play dates for me. One with Dereck and one with Fern and Sar. Those are just play dates mind you, not the sex. That is a whole different party don't you know lol. So we will see how that turns out. In truth it excites me, the idea of not knowing. The mystery, the erotic potential. And at the same time even the fear is a turn on. Lets see what the future has in store for me :)