There is no real way to explain what I am feeling, at least there is no real way for me to portray the reasons as to why I am feeling this way or Why it is exactly. All I know is I love him, more than I love some of my family, more than my brothers, more than maybe my own parents. He is my best friend and yet at times the source for some of my worst sorrow. But maybe that is what makes me so attracted to him, so enamored by him. No matter how mad he makes me, no matter how pissed off, irritated or hurt I am by him or his actions. All it takes is an I love you, I'm sorry, a hug, a snuggle, a kiss and my world is at peace, everything is okay and I feel safe. Maybe it's the fear that he once he starts spending more time with other people, forming new "relationships" with people he will see me differently, all the things I fear will come true. In the end it is all fear I suppose. My own insecurities. But I shouldn't let that get between him and I and the bond that him and I share. The idea of him playing with other girls doesn't bother me persay, sure I'm a little jealous but for the most part I'm over it. I understand it because I'm the same way. A lot of what I've been feeling lately is new, even how much I love him, how deeply I hold him and the connection we have is all so new to me, only because I never thought two people could share so much, be so close and not have a relationship, no sex, no sexuality. Though when I think about it why wouldn't it be possible? Sex is a commodity, pure instinct, raw emotion and animosity. That's what I love about it. The energy, the animosity, the connection. And I know that is why I get jealous or used to, when he would mention fucking other girls when he hasn't and won't fuck me. To me it's an energy exchange, your purest, rawest emotional energy and spirituality, you become a part of them and they become a part of you. They see you in your most exposed, vulnerable state. To me it's the strongest portrayal of your feelings for someone, your trust and desire. Sure sex is sex, but with me it's never just sex and as much as I can understand that a fuck is a fuck and making love is making love. I can only understand it to an extent because of how I see it, how it feels to me. That's why it rubs me the wrong way when he is so willingly and actively and trying to find someone to be sexual with and yet denies me the opportunity, though his reasons for doing so are understandable and amiable, just at times I lose myself and forget that his version of sex and my version of sex are two very different things. To me it is almost a ritualistic experience and with him it's like going to a restaurant and ordering a burger. I wonder if I'll ever be able to really understand how someone can make such an act of emotion and spiritual connection such a menial objectified commodity. Maybe it's just my youth, inexperience and naivety,or perhaps I'm just incapable of having meaningless, emotionless sex. He just laughs at me and calls me silly when I try and explain this to him. And in a way I guess it hurts that he doesn't take me seriously, doesn't take my feelings and thoughts seriously or try and talk to me, instead he tells me I need to change, attacks my views and leaves me broken, confused, and lost. He makes me feel that everything I do is wrong, makes me feel like I'm stupid, that I don't know anything. And maybe he is right, I'm 18 and young and don't know much of anything about life. But instead of criticizing and pushing and bullying me, all things that I don't need and don't react well to at all. He should be trying to walk me through things, explaining them so I understand and can see for myself instead of telling them to me and expecting me to take it all for face value with no explanation because "it's not important you understand why something is, it's just important that you understand it is". I fucking hate when he pulls that shit. It's like some stupid excuse, some way to avoid the trouble of actually having to take the time to sit down and talk, not argue, not tell me, talk with me and discuss. I hate how he blows me off and discredits anything I say because I'm 18 and I can't possibly know. I know nothing. Some days he is a little much to handle, which is another reason why I don't necessarily like the idea of him being with other girls. They will get to see a side of him that I never get to see, experience and know him in a way I will never get to. They get all the good and none of the shit I have to put up with sometimes. So I feel like in a way I'm taken for granted, that I'm unappreciated. He makes all of these nice comments about all of these other girls, and I get border line semi abuse and the occasional five second cuddle, hug or kiss whenever he feels like it. With him it's always about what he feels, what he wants, and it seems like as long as he gets what he wants he is happy and if I can't be happy for him that I'm a bad person. Some times I think he can be so inconsiderate about my feelings, but then again how I feel isn't his problem now is it? I'm in charge of my emotions, I'm the one responsible for making myself happy. So I can't expect him to want to make sure I'm getting everything I need or be the one to supply it. I just get so mixed up, so confused and turned upside down backwards sometimes. Is this really a healthy choice for me? Is this really the healthiest living situation for me to be in? I'm faced everyday with the same realizations, fears, feelings, stresses, irritations, and negativity that I just don't have it in me to be happy, I don't have the time or energy after dealing with all of that for me and what I want. It's come to a point where I've made the decision that I can no longer be worried about what he wants, what he expects from me, what he needs but I need to focus on me because no one else will. It's not an easy decision, because I love him and don't want to cause a rift between us, but he can't be what I need him to be and as much as it hurts and saddens me because he can't be the man I need or want him to be I have to stand up and be my own Alpha again, which means that he is going to have to accept that. I just hope he can understand that. It will change who I am, the way I act, the way I respond to him. I didn't and don't want things to change, but they need to because if they don't I'm digging my own hole and it's just going to get deeper and deeper and darker and darker. I'm the only one who can change that, I'm the only one who can protect me and do what is best for me, I'm the only one who knows me, really truly knows who I am. He says I can't lie, if only he knew, he says I can't act...he has no idea. Sometimes the person I really am on the inside scares me, in fact everyday I scare myself. I don't want to be that person so I do everything I can to drive myself away from it, to push myself to be the better person, to be the girl that everybody sees I am, and thinks I am. But none of them really know, I don't even think he does. If I were someone else I wouldn't believe me either. The worst part is their doubt and naivety only makes me want to use that against them. As long as they think I'm what I want them to see, they believe the act I put on for everyone including myself it just makes them easy prey, puts them in the exact position I want them to be in. But then I pry myself away from that, I don't want to be like that, I don't want to hurt people anymore, I don't want to use people, I don't want to be mean and cruel, I just want to be the girl I let everyone believe I am. Especially when it comes to him I want to be the best I can be, I want to make him proud and prove to him that I really am worth something. But it seems no matter what I do, how hard I try, it's never enough, it's never good enough and he just criticizes and makes me ask why I even try. So I've stopped doing things for him because he either never noticed, and if he did just made me feel bad about it, or if he did notice, just made me feel bad about it and unappreciated. There are so many reasons, so many things that he does that give me ample reason to want to leave, and trust me it crosses my mind almost everyday. But I love him and care about him way too much to do that to him. As much as he pisses me off he makes me happier than anybody else in the world. He means more to me than the world itself, I've never cried more over a person than I have over him. I've never been afraid of losing someone, but I'm constantly afraid of losing him. It's just I feel like he takes it all so lightly, that he takes me so lightly. He doesn't make me feel wanted, he doesn't make me feel good about myself, and often causes me more sorrow than happiness. And yet the little bits of happiness make everything okay, but that doesn't last forever, it's not enough. Love is never enough. No matter how strong it's not strong enough to hold itself together. And it's starting to fray at the edges and I'm not sure how much longer it can last. I try, god knows I've pushed myself further, done more things for him than I have ever done for anyone including myself and yet he takes it all like he expects it and more on a constant basis. It hurts and digs in like thorn to my heart. But I grin and bear it because I have hope. Hope that maybe things will change, that maybe they will get better. That maybe it is all just me being stupid and young, that I'll learn and grow and learn to cope, even thrive, but honestly it's killing me inside. Slowly, tortuously eating  away at my heart and soul. I can't take much more and yet I don't want to stop, don't want to give up. But if he is unwilling to compromise, unwilling to try, then why should I give him way more than I've ever received?