Anger.

And heres the fucking anger again AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! I just want it all to go away! Why I can't I do what I know is best for me? Why can't I bring it upon myself to stop all of this now?.....I'm so weak and pathetic....I guess I'm really getting exactly what I deserve. This all started because of my strong desire to be with him, I left somebody I loved and had an amazing relationship with for him, well for to have a chance to be with him. And here I am as close as I'll ever be with him and I'm so unhappy. So lost and so God damned angry. How is anything he does for me or says to me supposed to mean anything when I'm not the only person he says it to? How am I supposed to believe him? How am I supposed to feel in a situation like this?.....It's like my heart is being ripped out of me inch by inch and I won't stop it from happening because I love him and care about him too much to do anything about it. I only hope that Kevin can help....he's the one man I know I will always be able to look to for solid advice on any matter, no matter how hard it is for me to really approach him with with anything.

I thought I was over this. This stupid jealousy thing. I thought I had found that solid middle ground where I could stand tall and happy with my life. With what love he gives me. Is it wrong of me to say that everything I do I feel is worthless to him? Is it wrong of me to say that when it all comes down to it I don't think I really am all that special to him? Who am I to feel special? Who am I to give myself the idea that it's okay to feel like to one person I could be the most important thing in their life? I'm nothing, I'm just like everybody else. And he will get bored of having me around and want somebody new, someone prettier, smarter, funnier. Someone his age. He once told me he would never love again, but he now he tells me he loves me every day. So when he says he will never have a relationship ever again all I can think is he just needs time and he will find that somebody when he least expects it. Life is like that, it creeps up on you and tackles you to the ground, knocking the wind out you and you get up and realize there is no such thing as never, you learn to expect the unexpected. I just feel that my own insecurities, the ones of him tossing me aside, forgetting about me, are really what's going to cause it in the first place. They say it's often on the road of avoiding something that we meet it. So I try my best to overlook things, to cope with my insecurities and learn from this experience, but all I'm really learning is that I can't live like this. As much as I love and care about him it's killing me inside. My heart can't take it.

He asks what it is I feel so badly over and I reply because him and I have no physical relationship. Aside from holding hands, love pecks, and the occasion/rare cuddle/snuggle. We are very intimate and close for two people that don't have any sexual history (aside from three or four bj's, but that was months ago). I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate what we have, I do, I really do. The connection and bond that him and I share is beautiful and amazing. But it kills me inside when I hear him call some other girl beautiful or sexy when he hardly says it to me, or when he hits on and flirts with another girl, when all he really does is bitch, whine, complain, make fun of me, tease me, and brush me off when I try and talk to him about me feelings and emotions. I feel so unwanted sometimes, like some kind of commodity that he takes for granted. I feel like a dog on a short leash and choke chain. I feel so trapped. He has so little consideration for my feelings and needs. If he really cared he would be trying to help me when I reach out and ask for his help, instead of telling me I need to change. Does all of this make me selfish? Does needing more and wanting more than what we have together make me a greedy, undeserving, unappreciative person? That's what I'm so afraid of, I'm afraid of taking it all for granted and fucking everything up by asking for more. By pushing for what I feel I need. All I ever do is fuck up the best things in my life by pursuing happiness and I don't want to make that mistake again. Everything with me has always been black and white, it either is or isn't. It's yes or no with nothing inbetween. Maybe that is where some of what I am faced with now concerning my feelings is coming from. There is no chance of me and him ever being together, and always in the past when faced with that reality I would just up and leave without looking back. I would do the same here, have wanted to do the same here, but he's not like the others. He wants me close, he likes having me around, by his side. So if I were to just leave it would break his heart and I can't do that to him, I won't do that to him. But by sitting here and watching him pursue these other girls it hurts. Because I know eventually, inevitably he will find a girl just like he found me, and he may not forget about me or stop caring about me, but things will change. I just hate that I will have to be the one to sit here and wait for him to make that decision.

I guess for the simple reason that it stops me from having and finding what I want. It postpones me from continuing with my life. Which is selfish, I know, but it makes me so unhappy. So unbearably unhappy.

This could all be easily fixed if he would just overlook his complex of a relationship. He wants to be poly, which is fine and dandy and I would be more than happy with that, but only if him and I had a solid relationship first. I mean emotional and physical. But he refuses to have anything to do with my physically and sexually so it just makes things one huge complicated chaotic mess that I'm stuck in the middle of.