Hmmm.

Sometimes I think that he doesn't understand the entirety in which he holds my heart, it's bad though because at times I feel like I'm pushing it on him, making him feel like he has no choice but to love me. I love him so much and wish I could  share it with him more than I do. Just I think me and him have too very different ideas of how you demonstrate love. To me loving someone is holding them close and wrapping your arms around them tight, laying together in bed talking and laughing, bodies embraced. It's about the bond between two souls, basking in the radiance of each others hearts and energy. With him I don't know what he feels. Sometimes I wonder if he means what he says, the ways he shows his affection are so foreign to me I often don't know whether to be insulted or laugh it off and hope he doesn't do it again. Rarely if ever does he hold me, he says I love you but then "playfully" or "Lovingly" as he calls it, slaps me, pinches me, punches me, or makes fun of me. I can't remember the last time he really kissed me and meant it, or did anything that had any kind of passion behind it. Maybe he is just incapable of it. I really don't know. But it all confuses me and makes me wonder. There is nothing I want more than for him to just grab me and hold me, lovingly hold me tight and just reassure me that everything is going to be okay. To tell me that he loves me and then kiss me like he means it...but I guess that's almost like a dream, it would never happen in reality and to expect it to ever happen would only be hurting myself, which I think I spend most of my time doing these days anyways, with thoughts of love and romance, passion and desire. It feels like my heart is dieing and I don't know what to do. Deep down my instinct is to run, run far away, but my heart won't let me leave, I love him too much....god damnit I love him too much, I just wish he could see it.