I'm not attached to him, but, I do like him. Just simply being around him. Is that bad? It's nice having that sense of security, that sense of friendship, but I think I may have had the wrong impression of how things would be. I'm always worried, because he doesn't talk to me, that I've done something wrong, that he doesn't like me...I don't push him, I send him a message, he replies or he doesn't. If he doesn't I just drop it and don't talk to him for a few more days, or try and wait until he sends me a message. I think the reason I have such mixed feelings over this is because it's the first time I've done anything with someone I've had interest in but at the same time am not looking at getting into a relationship with. Maybe I should just drop it? Stop worrying about it, him, how he feels, what he thinks etc, and move on.
To be honest though, if I were in his position I'd probably do the same thing. I'm sure he has so many girls occupying his time that not having me to worry about would be a relief. Lets be realistic, if he were interested in me, even as a friend, or cared even a little, he would talk to me. Check in and see how things are going, or maybe that's just not the kind of guy he is, or maybe he just has so much stuff going on in his life that he doesn't have time to care. So now I have to ask myself, is this what I want? Do I want this in my life? Is he what's best for me right now?...The answer is I don't know. In a way he has a positive effect on me, he gives me something else to focus on for a short time. Having another guy around makes me see just how much I don't want to be here and want out away from this crazed madness I live in. But I have nowhere to go, nowhere that would be better than here...
The negative effects are well, of course the drops when he is gone, won't talk to me, the worrying etc but it's normal or so I presume so I find things to take my mind off of it, try and push him out of my head. It's seems to work for the most part. I think a lot of it has to do with me having nothing to do all day, being bored and doing nothing but thinking, usually going over the same thoughts again and again. I need a job, something to keep me too busy to worry about stupid little things like men, sex, and people drama.
If I had a job I could make some money, save up and get the fuck out of dodge. If I could go anywhere I'd go north. Sault Ste. Marie, maybe further. Perhaps I'd go south to the U.S, or hop on a plane and see the other side of the world. See when I think about things, my future, the rest of my life, none of what is happening now really matters. He won't exist in my life for very long, if he does then I'd be surprised. So I wonder...why do I worry so much? It must be that whole self image thing, my low self esteem coming up with all these horrible reasons as to why he wouldn't want to talk to me or see me again. *sigh.
At this point having a partner or anything to do with a relationship, sex, intimacy, all that crap just seems to rub me the wrong way and doesn't interest me in the least. I want to be alone, I want people to stop looking at me as something they can fuck and have fun with, and start seeing me as a person. But I guess before that can happen, I have to see myself that way. I'm thinking it's time I remove myself from the community until I get myself sorted out. It seems like the best plan to me.
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