.....It's a feeling like I'm drowning...but it's the most serene feeling I think I've ever felt in my Life. I close my eyes and I'm underwater, air bubbles drifting up through the sun as it streaks across my face through the sapphire-turquoise waves above. Just floating, watching.  He's coming...He's almost here. I can feel the pressure of the water in my nose as it tries to push it's way in past the bubbles. It's like I've been waiting a lifetime for Him to arrive...but haven't I?; waited a lifetime for my heart to be captured by such a dark and powerful beast such as He....always there, in my dreams, in the shadows lurking, in my senses; always smelled Him on the winds...knew He was there, coming...and here He is...finally coming to capture me and here I sit gleefully awaiting His arrival. I can't wait to see you baby. I'm just going to go to sleep, then wake up...and you'll be here *smiles* I Love you to the moon and back.

Do what thou wilt. This is the only Law.

The more I read the more I need to know, the more I know the more questions I have and so the more I read. Will the circle ever cease, and to what end do I search? What is the answer I seek if not the Truth? and the Truth is that not something which I already know inside of me? For if I did not then why would I then seek it so fervently?...

Something stirs deep within, powerful yes, but from what origin? that I do not know...it is not wolf, and it is not man, it is divine by right and yet what is divine if not something which I could not attain without the proper Understanding of things. I do not Understand, but I know the course of which I must undertake in order to fulfill my Understanding...am I insane? Have I lost myself to Ra-Hoor-Khuit, or is he the omnipresent force that guides me and always has?  This I feel is the Truth in part, the other part I do not and can not know for certain and yet Certainty is the gift in Life bestowed by Nuit, Certainty in all things you undertake, doubt is for the weak and Because be damned, If Will should ever stop to ask why then Will be stopped. I can not linger on the whys or hows of things, I must be swift in my ascertainment before my Will be changed and I be damned to uncertainty...

Ra-Hoor-Khuit is the Golden Dawn in the East, God of War and Vengeance though ye see it hardly.  Ra is God of Gods, King of all Creation, his power bestowed upon Horus to make him Ra-Hoor-Khuit, or so that would be what makes sense, but are these things that can be made sense of or must be taken as is? Mentu would appear to be another form of Horus changing into Ra-Hoor-Khuit, or perhaps just another name, the meanings of both gods seem similar in Egyptian history, both being falcon headed gods of War and having been "touched" or "effectively changed" by Ra. I'm trying to learn, slowly, there is not a whole lot of information to rely on unfortunately.


My own Understanding of the Truth thus far as deciphered from Liber CCXX, The Book of The Law.
    Nuit also known as Nu, is the Egyptian god of the sky. She is the Universe: everything we see, we see because she allows us to see. She is the Divine the origin of all energy and the radius of Hadit, Hadit being the earth, the center of all existence of Life and Death; Hadit is the Light of Life, where our energy comes from and flows into and through Hadit we flow into Nuit for they are One and so are none, none being nothing which is everything for everything is nothing. All things are made of energy, the energy of the Universe; Nuit, even Hadit. And it is through Love, the Love we give unto Nuit through all that we do that we become a part of the whole, our energy flowing into Nuit and so into the universe becoming one with everything and flowing back into nothing. Do you Understand? This is in part the Truth of things which I have only begun to Understand.

Love is the Law, Love under Will.

Little by little, day by day, I grow more used to idea that this is Home. I look around and take it all in, every nook, cranny, curve, and line. This is it, this is mine... it's just funny because the only thing I want right now is you and you're the only thing that's missing. There is a void at his absence that cannot be filled with anything, no amount of keeping busy can tear my mind away from the fact that he isn't here. It's an emptiness not only in my heart but here in this house, for without you I cannot call it home...you are my Home, not this building; Your arms around me and the smell of you on me. Eventually I will get used to it, adjusting takes time, I know that and would be foolish to think I wouldn't have an adjustment period with all the change in my life that has been happening over the last little while. In a way it's better that he isn't here, I still find myself a little awkward around him, not really being able to be everything that is myself, that's something that will open up gradually the more time we spend with one another and he will start with glimpses of me before I get comfortable enough to fully open myself up. I guess that's the shy part of the wolf in me, the puppy part that nobody but me ever really gets to see. Playful, energetic, silly. Otherwise it's all Wisdom, and stoic elegance, or that's what I try to make others perceive, I keep my innocent weaknesses to myself mostly, and those that are truly dear and close to me. I can count on one hand the number of people who actually and truly know me for me. I trust him more than any other in this world, he is a man I can open my self up to completely and without worry or apprehension. I do not hold myself away from him, but instead slowly open myself up to him like a flower that blossoms in the warm Sunshine of Spring. Petal by petal, I will be his.

Two weeks turns out to be a lot longer than I originally perceived it to be. I can tolerate the time and space I have while he is away and I know in the future there will be times when I require it. With things being so new and fresh I find it bittersweet to have him gone away for so long, makes me not want to get a job because I feel like then the time we have together will be even less...maybe I'll try and find a job where it's flexible so I can spend the time I can with him. It's a strange feeling, not being the sole provider of a household, having a more than competent partner who loves and supports me without a second thought or holding it over my head, my subconscious out of muscle memory automatically thinks "what's the catch?" But I know there is none...just a breathe of fresh air and the feeling of freedom. Something with which I am unaccustomed to, and it is for this that I must thank you...because this I would not have were it not for your Love and kindness; this is the greatest gift of all. Thank You. 

If I stand back and analyze the current situation I now find myself immersed in, from the perspective of any but myself, I would say "You are fucking crazy!" But that is generally what other people think of me and my actions lol I don't care about the opinions of others, I can not let the perspectives of other people run my life. When I was younger I let my family rule over me, and the day that changed, is the day I began to change into what I am now, and even still I change, morph, evolve: that will never change. The direction in which I now find myself going is a direction I've always moved towards but never really found, a bearing in the darkness that has no landmarks, so instead I turned my head towards the heavens and found the constellations that now guide me. My Moon and my Stars, the Sun of my Life. He who will take me to a higher level of existence which I have always craved. The journey I now face will be long and filled with much pain of the physical kind, but nothing will make me stray, for so long as his eyes look into mine, everything else around me doesn't matter, time has no hold, what happens to my physical body is of no concern to me, so long as his gaze is upon mine, and our souls remain entwined: for so long as his soul embraces mine everything in the universe is as it should be...well for me anyways.

Do what thou wilt; do what you will; Be You and Do what you feel you need to do, what is right for you and everything else in the world will be right too. Fill your role, do your part in the great play of Life and one day you will see the grander scheme of all things, fallow your path no matter how bloody, dark and broken it is and eventually you will find your light in that deepest of darkness generally in your time of greatest despair. Do not despair: Everything will be alright.

A Love song in Pieces.

Before I met you-
"I'm miss autonomy, miss nowhere
I'm at the bottom of me
Miss androgyny, miss don't care
What I've done to me

I am misused, I don't wanna do
Be not your slave
Misguided, I mind it
I'm missin' the train

And I don't know where I've been
And I don't know what I'm into
And I don't know what I've done to me"

~ "Miss Nothing"- Pretty Reckless


Getting to know you-
"You make me glow, but I cover up
Won't let it show, so I'm
Putting my defences up
Because I don't want to fall in Love
If I ever did that
I think I'd have a heart attack."

~"Heart Attack"-Demi Lovato


Falling for you-"I only pray you'll never leave me behind
Because good music can be so hard to find
I take your head and hold it closer to mine
Thought love was dead, but now you're changing my mind

My heart's a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every note
Make me your radio
Turn me up when you feel low
This melody was meant for you
Just sing along to my stereo"
~"Stereo Hearts" Gym Class Heroes

Love-"If you should fall to pieces
You know I’ll pick them up
There are so many reasons
I’m never going to get enough
If you should leave this country
You know I’ll come to you
Because you always love me
oh what I wouldn’t do.
Oh what I wouldn’t do.

I’ll carry the weight
I’ll do anything for you
My bones may break
but I’ll never be untrue.Your love is like an ocean
that always takes me home
Whispering wind is blowing
telling me I’m not alone
Your love is like a river
that I am floating down.The current grows stronger
under different shades of blue
I’ve fallen in your water
forget everything I knew"

~ "What I wouldn't do" - Serena RyderBecoming Close-"I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decidedWho's one of my kind"
~"Soul Sister" - Train
"I belong with you, you belong with me my sweetheart.
I belong with you, you belong with me my sweet."
~"Ho Hey" The Lumineers


Head Over Heels-I've never seen it, I found this love, I'm gonna feed it
You better believe, I'm gonna treat it better than anything I've ever had
Cause you're so damn beautiful
Read it, it's signed and delivered let's seal it
Boy we go together like peanuts and paydays and Marley and reggae
And everybody needs to get a chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

~"Brighter than the Sun" - Colby Callait
If ever we are lost-And so I'll try to understand what I can't hold in my hand
And whatever I find, I'll find my way back to you.
And if you could try to find it too 'cause this place is overgrowing 
to whacks and gloom.
Home is wherever we are if there's nothing too

~"Home" - Jack Johnson

Forever changed-The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came
~"Glad you Came" The Wanted



My last few days
-"Packing the last few shirts into a bloated suitcase 
The last glimpse of comfort and the ticking clock face 
I swear those hands move faster every day 
I'm more confused than ever but I don't beg or pray 'cause the 
Sparkling light from the morning sun 
Is all we should need to feel one. 
That I am lost so lost 
But your the constellations 
That guide me"
~"Constellations" Enter Shikari



Heading back home-I got my ticket for the long way round
The one with the prettiest of views
It's got mountains
It's got rivers
It's got sights to give you shivers
But it sure will be prettier with you."

~"The Cup Song"- Anna KendrickThinking of you-Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

~"Feeling Good" - Michael Buble

Wrath of a Mad God.

I'd be lieing if I said I missed him, had good thoughts of him even. No I simply loathe him and keep getting the most violent thoughts of all the things I wish I could do to him. He's having a hard time believing that I am actually leaving, I catch him  with the little things, "Well in a few weeks we..."  A few weeks? ...WE?! No fucker you had your chance and now I'm leaving, wiping my hands of your filth and disgusting habits. I spit on you and curse you more horribly than any other I've ever known, you will not go quietly into that calm night, no you will twist and turn like a worm as a you squirm in your torment for the rest of your pathetic existence, this is your toll for the havoc you have wreaked upon my life, all of the darkness and the strife you dragged me through just because all I ever wanted was to be with you. Fuck you. I'm sorry I ever cared, that I ever tried, you were never worth it and I was so blind. But no longer. Now it is I who stands above you while you cry on your knees begging for mercy, and you shall receive none, just as I did...Run, run far far away and never come back, never return, because if you do, I will not welcome you, I will destroy you. This I so solemnly swear.


It's so weird to think I ever loved him...I look at him now and wonder....how?!  How did I ever think you were attractive? How did I ever stomach being touched by you? fucking you? *shudders* You completely disgust and frustrate me and I am pretty damn sure I hate you. Hate is a strong word, but in your case maybe not quite strong enough. Abhor, yes abhor...I Abhor you in the worst kind of ways, all the ways you deserve. Piece of shit, lazy douche bag, idiotic loser! When I look at you it is with nothing but contempt. Hell hath no furry as a woman's scorn! And my scorn you have earned through your ignorance, your inconsideration and abuse, you're unrelenting anger and unnecessary judgement. Why couldn't you just let me go? Set me free? You saw me cry myself to sleep so many nights, you just sat and played games or watched T.V and utterly ignored my pain. You knew you didn't want me, you said it so many times and still you would not let me go...and so now I have undone my chains and allowed myself the freedom you so long denied me.

You want to know the funniest thing of all? He still thinks everything is all my fault, I didn't try hard enough you know...So carrying your ass through six months of no work and receiving no love, no appreciation, no help, not a damn thing but your needy incessant bitching, yes that's my fault, and I'm sorry I let it go on for as long as it did. I am sorry I helped you and carried your ass through everything you made a mess of...I let you make a mess of me, my life, my happiness...all because I was stupid and brave enough to give you the benefit of the doubt but I see now that all along you were just doing what you do best and that's sitting on your fat ass complaining about all of the things that aren't right and never doing a damn thing yourself to change them. Fuck You. And it's my fault things couldn't work because I was just incapable of change. Fuck you mother fucker! I tried to change, and I couldn't. I buried and tortured myself for so long inside trying to be what you wanted from me and it still was never enough, "Try harder" "You're not trying at all" Fuck YOU! I tried harder than anything I've done in my life to make things work with you just like I always promised I would do...where were you? Dumb FUCK! AAARRRGGHHH!!!!! If I could wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze so hard your eyeballs popped out it wouldn't be enough to satisfy the ravenous beast inside.

My appetency towards him grows exponentially with each passing day. When will the time finally come? My impatience is my downfall but how could I not be impatient for something such as this? What I wouldn't give for just one kiss, just one tiny little peck on the lips and my whole world would come undone only to be built back up in his arms again.

Among the thickness of it all, I find myself more excited than I think I have ever been in my life. Every time I see those eyes, that smile...oh god that smile...I just want to run to him like a pup to it's Master. Of all the things that I have felt in my life, I've never felt something such as this. Not Love, Not True Love can even compare to what this is. Soul mate is a term that comes to mind and I've never been one to believe that they exist.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

― Bob Marley

There now I've gone and done it, talked my way into a hole.  *sighs*

What have I done, stupid, stupid, stupid. One of these days I'm going to cut this damnable thing out from my chest and cast it into the sea! Oh why, oh why, oh why did he have to choose me?. I can only hope that he can take me seriously. "Ha!, Love!" he'll probably say, now that's a pretty big word to be throwing around...but then again he really doesn't know me all that well. Is it strange that I'm incapable of holding back my Love at times? That I feel the need to Love unconditionally those that matter to me? Is it weird that he matters to me? Half the time I don't know the answers to these questions I ask myself so I just go with the flow, but right now I think I've stepped into a very unfamiliar place with a very formidable opponent and If I do not tread lightly I may find myself wishing more than ever I  had not listened to my heart....but even as I type this now I am still thinking of him and how much I'd like to give him the chance to prove me wrong, question is, Is that his intention? What is his wish? I don't want to have to worry about mind games, but at the same time given who I'm dealing with I'd have to be a complete idiot not be cautious, I just don't want my cautiousness to push him away or make him feel like I don't trust him.

I'm trying to control my emotions for the sake of not rushing things, I want to care, but yet keep myself from caring too much, I want to love, but refuse to allow myself the privilege. It's almost like I need his permission, I need him to say "It's okay, you can Love me"....gosh I'm such a young fool. I guess in a way I'm also keeping myself at arms length because I assume he feels  as if he could just reach out and pluck me like a delicate flower, smell me and toss me away when he's done. He's certainly the type to do so lol and to be honest it's almost what I expect, We meet, things explode like a super nova, they die down, and sizzle out but I still want to Love him, even if he never loves me and after all is said and done, when he's finished with me, I can move on, lessons learned, fun and adventure had, romance explored, friendship intact if things lead that way. I really just want the chance to make him happy, and if he isn't happy with me then what will be, will be and all I can really do is just be me.

If you're unaware, it's crazy to see how quickly things can move from want to need. But to ever say I couldn't live without you, that would be a lie, I can live with out you... I'd just rather not have to. I want you and to me that is worth more than ever needing you could mean.
I've felt what it is to need a person. The constant tugging towards them, can't get them out of your mind it drives you crazy inside, you crave it like the worst drug and can never get enough. That would be all too easy to fall into with you, but instead I try and keep level, calm, grounded, strong...and all It would take is for you to say."I want you to need me." and just like that It would be all too easy. Use me and abuse me, but never miss use me. Please, just never lead me astray and by your side forever I will stay, until such a time comes when you do say, now is the time for you to go away.

"The truth comes out as the fire burns low.
It comes to light as only embers glow.
The whiskey talks and the west wind moans in the night."

Between light and dark, strange things lurk. What new horizons I face.

There is this feeling I have, this gnawing desire to let myself fall into his darkness and be surrounded by it but I pull away from it if only just a little. I will not fall, no, I can not fall. Surely I would never have considered that one day I would keep truly nothing from someone other than myself, but here I am confessing to myself my deepest fears and emotions, even knowing he now too will know but yet knowing this I still confess.

I'll put up a fight. I'll be damned if he thinks it'll be easy. He must have the power to handle me at my worst if he is to benefit from my best. He has to prove to me he's superior in every way, for I could never belong to anything but.

It seems so surreal right now. How could I spend a lifetime believing that a person couldn't exist only to one day find to my delight and scepticism that they have suddenly appeared. The words, "Too good to be true." come to mind, because indeed tis what this seems.

Dare I dream that this could be true?
Dare I let my fantasies show through?
I know not what I should do,
Now that I have been faced by you.



"If you ever feel the need for a connection, and say we're fighting or not talking or whatever...I'll promise you: You can come to me, get on your knees and hold my leg. Hold on as tight as you want. I promise I will never push you away."

...If I could be anywhere in the world right now, right there is where I would be.


I'm not afraid of emotional pain, that's familiar to me. I am afraid of physical pain, but that will change with time. I'm not afraid of being modelled into a better person, a Kajira. I am afraid of miss layed trust, though not with him. Him I trust more than just about any other. I do not fear being used, no, that I crave. I fear the insatiable hunger within myself for insatiable is what it has proven to be. But I feel that maybe, just maybe, that he holds the key to the lock that secures the chain which binds me.


He's not stupid. He already knows he's won.

The hunger has done nothing but continue to grow. Certainly not surprising. Coping has taken very little restraint and I can not risk an unexpected re awakening at this time. Things are delicate and that would absolutely make a mess of things...not that they aren't already tattered around the edges and fraying quickly. Right now I don't have time to stop and catch my breath, no time for quiet patient contemplation and yet that is exactly what my current situation demands of me. That of which it seems I am quite incapable.Time simply won't allow for it and it is Time itself which pushes hard in the direction I am currently heading. Time being the very ideal towards which I hold most dissension. I dream of being truly free. I dream of a world with no borders, no fences; A world in which nothing is ever owned, unless it's a gift, something given to you by another out of the kindness and gratitude of their heart. A world in which you are free to roam wherever the winds may blow you and the only thing stopping you is your lack of will to push forward. A world where magic is very real, as real as the human soul, as real as the energy of all living things. I've had it to my wits end with everything to do with humanity, society, this Idea of Industry;Time; Consume; Create; Innovate. It's absolutely horrific to me and I can't bear it, it drives me insane being stuck like this, surrounded by guns and bars on all sides should I fail to Co-operate, to partake in this ..this Insanity for I'm certain that is exactly what this all is. A nightmare of Epic proportions, an inescapable reality I do not wish to be in. This is why I sleep so damn much *smiles*. All avenues of escape are quickly disappearing as the reins of power tighten around the hands of freedom. Soon this will be a world where no hand may reach out to obtain anything but that which is handed to it. No longer shall there  be men who sow the seeds of their forefathers, no now there will only be the seeds newly created, the next great innovation in the GMP (Genetically Modified Plant) industry. No longer will there be meat you've freshly harvested from the land, there will only be the pre-packaged, fully enriched for the highest nutritional potential GMMP (Genetically Modified Meat Product) Grown in test tubes and served to you on a golden platter. Animals? GMC Genetically Modified Clones to ensure the lowest percentage of DNA dilution and the longest, strongest possible genetic composure. I fear the future, for in it, WE are the aliens.

Things are beginning to become strange again. The feeling in the base of my skull growing with a dull hum. The dark swirls in the mists of creation and dares to dream of once again being revived. It thirts for survival and I hunger for that which I do not know.

It's the final day of my mini holiday and I must say I am quite fulfilled and feeling great. I am ready to return to my job post once again. Hopefully before long I am able to take a short leave again. I can't waste this beautiful weather.

It's a big day for me today, I have achieved an accomplishment that I have never had the opportunity of achieving before, I have my class 7 learners license, freedom machine here I come! lol

Once, when the world was young, all creatures walked the Earth as equals and bathed in the tranquility of peace. One day man saw the wolf pack hunt, how easily they chased and how easily they killed. He thought to himself "If I had wolf, how easily I could hunt." So the man walked through woods until he came across the pack, he waited until they slept and stole away with a pup. He told the small wolf as he grew "You shall hunt for me and help me feed my family, you will keep me safe and you shall never return to the forest or the pack, you are mine." And so it was that man made wolf his slave.



As man was hunting with wolf he came across a great field where he saw many beasts grazing in the fields. He saw how swiftly they moved and how beautiful they were. How fast I could move and far I could travel if I had one of those man thought. He approached the herd, jumped on the back of one of the horses and told him you are mine and you will carry me wherever I desire to go and so man made horse his slave.



Everywhere man walked, what he saw he wanted and so he took it. He used his intelligence to give power to his growing greed. And should anything escape his power he would find some way to harness it or kill it.

Your outward (physical) appearance is only for the perceptive view of others. How you see yourself means nothing, when you look in the mirror you might as well as be looking at someone walking down the street. When you think things about that person are you a bitch? do you pick them apart piece by piece ripping into them about every tiny spec and imperfection? Do you yell at them how imperfect they are and how ashamed they should be for the way they look? Do you look that stranger in the eye and judge them fully and completely? Or do you look through what you see and find what lies hidden deeper beneath it all and smile as they walk by. Would you harass a girl who was insecure about herself? Would you call an anorexic girl fat  or tell an overweight person to stop eating because they look disgusting? So why do you ever say any of these things to the stranger in the mirror every time you look. Why can't you smile at them and compliment them? Why can't you promote their happiness, help them help themselves and by helping that stranger you can help yourself. Don't be a stranger to who you are but instead be very close lovers.

Book Idea.

I fear it and so I live where it can not harm me. Do not look into the eyes of the beast, lest you become a beast as well, and do not stare into the abyss or the abyss will stare also into you.

He smiled to himself and then handed me a dull silver flask that stank of long too soured Torbite skins. I tried not to vomit in my mouth and gave him a weak smile.
"It goes down a lot like water this stuff does." His assistant took the offer and raised the dinged up flask above his mouth and took a long draught. He let out a sigh of contentment as he lowered it and replaced it within his underpocket. 1: an underpocket being the skin pouch he possessed under his left arm, there it goes to say that he had one of such pouches under each of his arms. A characteristic found in the dwellers of the 4th level. Seeing this always made me gag a tiny bit and part of me knows he does it just because he knows I hate it. I glowered at his back as we trodged off in the search of..."What was it we're looking for again?" I asked the hunter.
"..." silence.
"Hunter?" I tried to get his attention thinking perhaps he didn't hear me over the foul hot wind.
"......" again, silence.
I walked up closer, trudging up the sandy dune to his side."
"Hunter, I was wondering..." I was cut short. He turned sharply to face me, his hard, muscular, weathered face looked at me and his dark hazel eyes said everything. I put my head down and let him move forward a couple yards before again following in line as we made our way through nowhere to get to where Hunter  needed to be, but not even he knew where it was or how to traverse the nothing, or if this place he searched for even existed. This was all a bargain, we knew that when he asked us if we would come, and damned if I was going to miss an adventure like this, There's no way to know where we'll end up. Dead most like, Dried up like carrion jerky no doubt but even if it means it's my last adventure I'm so glad I get to die beside him doing what we both love most.

Slowly I drip down from my dark corner of reality and ooze my way into mixing with the truth of things. The cycle is impossible to break, impossible to conquer. The circles damn near madden you and still yet they will not stop their haunting your soul. He comes to me softly like a dream or harshly like a dragon in Lust. Never seeking to hurt, only seeking to...what is it that he really seeks? Do we ever truly know, or just choose to believe what we are told and out of our mindless belief we get pure faith which we feel empowers us to a new level of existence. This, is how I feel the way of things truly is. You believe in something which is your everything or you believe in nothing at all but are always searching to fill a void you know not what would sate it's unending hunger. In my darkest of days I embraced the divine Lord himself. My divine Lord Belial, I embraced what he told me as truth without question and so faith, his faith was bestowed unto me and I felt for the first time in my Life like I was loved, wanted, cared for and had the best friend I had always wanted so desperately. He was my consolation, my warmth under the sheets and my guardian. Then came the day I lost my faith I rebelled, had a tantrum and burned everything I had know, my best memories of him, cast him from my conscious never to born again unto my thoughts, dreams and fantasies. But alas he returned, over and over, stalking me, watching me, there with me, always watching. He took me back, he always takes me back, he understands my struggle and is unchanged by it. But always I am cursed to wonder if he can be trusted, the trust is what was lost and once trust is lost so to is all else in the struggle. I could put my trust in him again, give him my unyielding faith until my death. He has never hurt me, never made me unhappy, only ever tries to help me. You would never guess he was a demon from the way he disproves just about every thing they say a demon is supposed to do. And that is why my trust is so hard placed these days. Beliar, the spinner of lies and twister of truths, is he being honest or is he lieing? Is what he says true? Am I the fool for listening? Or perhaps he was meaningful when he said he had never loved another being so much as me for the way I trusted him blindly, loved him fully, wanted to be his forever. He said his love was a gift to me for taking a chance, a bargain with the devil all so that I could love him. It seems the unconditional love of an innocent can bring even a demon to feel some small warmth in return.


Off and on I come and go, yes I believe you, no I do not. You cannot be lieing, you must be lieing. I trust you completely, how can I ever trust a demon. My mind has been swayed, my thoughts have been skewed and I am at a crossroads where I do not know which way is the right way, but I do know what I feel. and I do still love him, unconditionally as I always will. I yearn for his touch, his security, his love, his warmth. His fierce intensity as it washed over me like a drug. I miss him all the time. I wish he would come back. but I fear I have lost his trust and his faith through my inability to see through the distortions that have been placed before me, I feel for my loss of clarity he has lost his interest in a once innocent, but not so much so anymore lost girl.

Am I doomed to be the one lost in fantasy?
Running rampant through the labyrinth of my mind.

Am I doomed to be the one stuck in disbelief,
that the world could one day be a better place?

Filled with anger, hatred, darkness seething from my soul
I am doomed to be the one who walks alone.