Good Days

I like the days like today; the days where I can feel at peace if even just for the fraction of a moment, the days I can feel free of my burdens if only for just a minute. It's the days like today that keep me going like the oasis of the desert...it's the days like today that remind me how it feels to be free.

If you ask me Freedom should be redefined for this era of humanity. It seems to me that true freedom comes from within, that freedom does not have to be physical for it to be true, but, there are many people who confuse comfort for freedom and can not see the true picture of life. I met this man once in a coffee shop down town in the city I was staying in and he referred to this as the "Eagle" and explained that the Eagle displays this "image" or this projection over the reality so we can only see what the Eagle shows, unless you see the trick and the Eagle is exposed, then you will see Life for what it truly is. I was taken aback by his philosophy because it was so similar to what I had come to know and see; that Life was hidden behind the "life" that everybody lives. That Life, is an endangered reality quickly being destroyed by "life", that true Life is dieing. And it is Life that I crave for so badly. It is Life that cries within me to be Free, truly Free. But this life I am forced to live in a time of great change and uncertainty, this life will see the death of Life, and that saddens me to the core of my being, I hear the Earth cry out in woe and I see the darkness spreading.

The heart of Life is change. If things stop changing then Life ceases to exist. Some change is difficult, some of it is easy, most of it is unexpected.

Letting go of the past is necessary, but probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to learn how to do. When the heart is unwilling the pain can be intolerable...but if it's the right thing to do, regardless how much it hurts, lest you fall into a pit of deepened despair it's best to let it go. Sometimes people don't understand why we do the things that we do and in the end all they see is pain and misguided truths, sometimes people do painful things to the ones they Love the most in order to stop from hurting them worse later in the end. Sometimes walking away is the only thing that we have left especially when you cannot find the words to say...sometimes there are no words left to be said. "I'm Sorry" is too in-genuine, "I made a mistake" is a poor excuse. How much of it makes you sound like a broken record? How much of it just reminds them of every other person who walked away before you? There is a certain point where you need to accept that no amount of words can fix something that actions are responsible for and at this point you need to accept that you can either change your actions or do what is best for everybody involved and if they can't be the ones to make the tough choices then you have to be. When they can't be strong you need to be strong for them and do the right thing.

It's been getting more and more difficult lately. I'm not experiencing things I was promised I would be. I am not being trained, I am not even being treated remotely like a pet, or a slave, or a submissive. I'm a girlfriend, that's what I am and vanilla is the flavor of the relationship. I am getting bored, I am getting restless, I see these girls covered in bruises, tied up, being used and loved and worshiped as Goddess' of pain and I want that....Why do things have to be like this? Why is it me this has to happen too? These stupid pills make me tired... He is afraid of hurting me, afraid of pushing too far, afraid of maiming me because to Him I am fragile and to Him too special and to Him too new. He doesn't want to take the time, or put the effort into me, he doesn't want to play, he has no interest in the small beginner things. He wants to own me and have none of the responsibilities of being a Master. He is not my Master, but he does own me...He can't do the things he wants to do because of their extreme or overtly violent nature and so he chooses instead to do nothing at all because I am not a proclaimed masochist and because I am now injured with no way of knowing when or to what extent I will be healed, as something I will have to spend the rest of my life protecting from recurring injury I can't see Him overcoming His fear of hurting me or learning to work around it. He hasn't shown any kind if interest to that degree and I will be surprised if He ever does.

He gets upset because I try to be independent. But of course I am going to try to be when I feel forced to do so. If he is unwilling to fill certain needs or desires or take care of certain responsibilities then the task of ensuring they are taken care of falls to me. I must take care of myself because nobody else is going to.

He cares about me immensely. He Loves me more than I can probably understand and I know it's what keeps Him from doing the things he wants to do to me and if he can't do them to me then he feels the urge to find another with whom He is able to enact His desires. It leaves me feeling cheated, empty in the sense that I am not receiving the kind of attention I desire or require and it's all rather frustrating at the end of the day when I put effort towards it and He, for the most part, doesn't even really try because He is bored, finds the things I want and need Him to do boring and has no interest in helping me explore or evolve or anything to that capacity beyond which He might find personally satisfactory. He has no interest in my body, He doesn't explore it, He doesn't play with it, He doesn't touch it, He grabs me and fucks me and cums inside of me and holds me, He sometimes puts His arms around me and cuddles me but it doesn't always feel warm. To Him emotion is nothing, but to me, emotion is energy and energy is everything. I don't feel the energy that I need to feel, I'm not getting the energy I need to feed off of and it's effecting me negatively. Lust is what I require, a deep, burning desire...I want His Lust, I need it, but it would seem that His Lust for me is gone.

It's been seven months since I moved into His condo to be with Him.
So far there hasn't been any problems or unhappy circumstances between the two of us, the only negative things I've felt were/are when Chelsey tries to get too close to Him and the mostly non existent M/s BDSM aspect of our relationship. To me it's important, it's something that excites me and a part of our life I miss. I know he's been being gentle with me and soft...but it's been too long since he's wrapped his hand around my throat and whispered his threats into my ear before swiftly bending me over and spanking my ass until I cried. I want it so bad it aches, to be on my knees at his feet choking on his cock before he rams it into my cunt and fucks me...because I Love being his dirty little slut.  He's not as stern as I'd imagined he would be, not that's it's terribly upsetting to me, I just enjoy the atmosphere it creates, occasionally I enjoy being made to actually feel as if I am His slave; a feeling I wish to experience more of.

   I'm not depressed, perhaps a little unsatisfied but overall I'm really quite Happy with Life right now, the direction things are kind of going in seems to be good so far. I'm a little dissatisfied by the lack of ambition I've been experiencing and the continuous drop in the level of my self esteem I've been trying to keep up with. The lack of ambition stems mostly from a lack of direction as always the problem has been. The drop in self esteem has been caused by weight gain and inactivity, I am in the preliminary stages of creating a routine. Biking to work is definitely not enough on it's own, so I'm making gradual dietary changes as well. My hope is that gradually shifting will be easier than a shock to the system.

With Shawn things are going better than I expected. We don't really fight, ever, we discuss things, talk to each other; we are open and it's makes things easier, better....way better. I trust Him, he trusts me and we look after one another, we really care about each other it's not one sided. I completely feel as if this is exactly right where I want to be and I don't ever see that changing....

It's been seven months since I moved into His condo to be with Him, and I still feel sad when he isn't Home. I still think about him everyday, and he still makes me laugh, still holds me close in bed at night and most importantly, we are still very much in Love and I don't ever see that changing.

Summer is here finally. The weather has been beautiful, the trees have their leaves and the hills are a rolling green. It feels like it's been a millennium since I've seen the shades of emerald and felt the warmth of the Sun upon my skin. Best of all is that I am still with Him. Things have been going great despite slipping a disc back in March, it still hurts everyday but I'm hoping this new job and having a bike will help me get more exercise which will in turn help it to heal. I can't imagine what life would be like if I was stuck with this for the rest of it (not that it couldn't be worse) I can't do everything I want to do anymore and at times it's so frustrating. One day at a time though, things will work out. Master has been the most patient, kind, and loving man I have ever been with. He is sad that I have a job now because he says he will miss me and says that "If you're getting this job just so that you can worry about bills and become stressed about money you can quit right now because I won't have that. You let me do the worrying" He says...I laugh, I can see how much he loves me and needs me to be happy; how important that is to him and I understand his position with everything. It's in his best interest to keep me happy, because me being happy means that he is happy. I'm not worried about bills, I'm not worried about rent or stretching my pennies beyond my means. This job isn't something we need, not even something I need. Just temporary to save some money, pay off some debt and give me something to do and honestly I hope that me being away from home and being away from Master brings a little more affection from Him my way because lately I haven't really been feeling the "Love" and have been wondering why he's been so detached from me. I know that in relationships you grow past that "Honeymoon" stage where everything is all lovey dovey and sugar coated pixie farts and these days I feel like half the time I'm boring him, bothering him or just completely uninteresting to him. He doesn't say anything like "you're annoying me" or "you're bothering/boring me." but there has been more than just a handful of times over the last few weeks where I'll be sitting beside him and talking to him and I'll say something or ask a question and there's no response, he's not there, not listening, distracted by thoughts obviously more interesting or more important than me...but he doesn't even really talk to me anymore. Our life has this feeling of monotony to it and I can't shake this feeling that I have that it's not going to get better.

Is this just me being over sensitive? Is this just me being needy? Too attached, clingy? I'm unsure, all I know is that I miss him waking up in the morning and rolling over and growling "good morning sexy" in my ear before gently wrapping his arms around me and holding me close for a few minutes before getting out of bed. Now he throws the covers off of him onto me, rolls out of bed, puts his house coat on, has a smoke and comes to wake me up when he would like some coffee...and I miss him crawling into bed beside me or on top of me and giving me one last hug/cuddle and a kiss saying good night to me before bed. Now he usually falls asleep without a word or a kiss unless I say something first. I'm afraid to push, to say anything about it, I don't want to instigate anything or bother him. But I don't want this to be the beginning of the end because this seems to be the way it always starts, small and innocent like....
 On top of it all, sexually he seems indifferent towards me. There are days when he gets his urges and he takes me as he sees fit, those days are becoming less and less and further between. There is practically none...no sorry there is No BDSM or M/s or D/s or anything in it anymore and I just don't understand. Before he was so enthusiastic about all of the things he was going to do with me, use me for, have me do for him and we had all of these plans for scenes but the kinkiest thing he does to me and has done to me in a long time (months) is fuck me in the ass while biting me. I feel like it's my fault, I'm fat from being lazy from sitting around because of my back and I can't get on top and I can't bend like I should be able too...*sighs* How am I supposed to be able to make Him happy if I can't even bend over to pick up a dirty sock some days? I want to get better. I'm trying to get better. I don't want to watch this relationship fall apart piece by piece like everything else in my life has before I met Him. I just don't know what to do but Love him and I feel like maybe that's problem, maybe I need to back off and give him some space, some time for him away from me. This job will prove whether that notion is true or not.

I'm really starting to get sick of the emotional roller coaster that goes on inside of my head. I'm happy, I'm fine things are going good and then I'm sad, upset, confused, depressed. It's the feeling of being alone, the lack of communication, the lack of companionship. There's always been so much about myself I have never been able to quite understand, the "crazy" in me I try to reason away and calm myself away from and I thought that maybe in time I would grow out of it or find a way to move past it. I was so sure the right person would be able to help me get rid of this, this mess inside of me and I'm beginning to realize the only person who will ever be able to fix me is me, but how do I fix what I do not perceive as broken? Just unfulfilled...

Will I ever be good enough for myself? I feel like no, I'll never live up to everything I expect from me and that to me says I need to throw all my stupid expectations out the window and stop trying to be things that I think I should be and just start being the things that I am...but what is that exactly? I've always had identity issues, problems coming to terms with myself and I'm not sure why. I guess everybody has this image in their mind of who they want to be, who they wish they could be and never really stop to look inside and realize who they really are...the problem with me is I've looked so deep inside of myself and every time I do what I find repulses me and pushes me away, makes me want to push myself to be what I want to be rather than what I really am. It's been so long since I've dropped my walls to myself and looked inside, it's like I keep myself protected from certain parts of me for fear of the corruption spreading. Finding my balance has always been the goal in front of me and it is not an easy one to achieve that's for sure. Every time I'm faced with this issue I'd rather bury it again then face it...I cannot face it alone, it frightens me in truth and yet it is by myself I must turn inwards and face myself in order to find myself, my whole self...whoever that may be. One of the greatest gifts of Life, and one of the greatest curses is that of Change. It's never scared me, there is the good and there is the bad, and I've always taken it all in stride even if at the time I felt like my world was falling apart and I'd wish to die with all my strength. You just keep breathing and you get through it, that is one of the glories of life; if you are strong enough to adapt to the change you will survive but how the change affects you is all in how you let it. You can use it to make you stronger, or it can leave you scarred and weak, it can even make you happier than you've ever been or it can leave you wishing you had never lived. Change has affected me in many ways throughout the short amount of time I have lived in this life time some of it making me stronger, some of it leaving me weak, but always I come out on the other side one way or another. So why is that now when I am faced with the prospect of being able to change my life undoubtedly for the better by looking inside to find the change necessary in order to allow my true self to be free that I cower in the corner begging for the darkness to take me away so I can forget it all again. Why is it that when faced with the demon inside of me I would rather turn tail and run, run to the drugs, to the alcohol, to the lies and fantasy rather than meet her with a warm embrace?

When immersed in the Light of Life I beg and cry for the Darkness, and when I'm in that deepest of Darkness where I begged to go I scream and pray for the Light. I cannot be in one or the other, but I must be in both, that is the balance I require but have never truly understood. How can you be light and dark? How can you not pick either and live both? How do you walk the finest of lines and not fall to either side....it just seems so impossible. It's always been a constant battle, a constant pull from either side like being torn apart by two wolves inside, but you cannot feed one without starving the other and when one starves for too long the hunger grows too strong to ignore and so the cycle begins again. How do you feed both and keep both happy? Is that even possible....I don't know, I have tried, god have I tried and always it ends up the same way, failed. I'm sick of this war inside of myself, I'm sick of fighting for my sanity and my humanity and whatever the fuck else it is that lies within me, it's times like this where it gets real bad I just want to shoot myself and stop it all, get away from it for good. It's the days where I wish, pray, beg for death that remind me what it is to really be alive... Life is pain, Life is suffering and I think a good measure of how well you lived your life can be found in how long and how hard you have suffered through it, how much pain you endured and lived through it, that is what shows you how strong you really are.


Sometimes it doesn't last long, a few hours, a day maybe two. Other times it's weeks, a month, months. How long I wander from my right path varies, how long it takes me to find my way again depends on so much. it was years ago I made my choice when faced with the option to choose between a "normal", "happy", ignorant life of a human or the long, dark, broken, path that few dare to attempt to navigate through. I didn't even have to think about which I'd choose, and every day I am reminded of which path I took for my life from that moment has been nothing but a lot of stumbling through an endless darkness along a broken and seemingly endless road...alone, blind, and sometimes scared. There are things in that darkness you cannot avoid, and there are things you find that you cannot run away from. and it is here at this point in my journey that the path has been lost to me and I find myself stumbling through the inky blackness trying to find my way again, crawling on my hands and knees feeling for the direction and find none, and it is times such as these that I have no other option but turn inward and find the answers I seek and hope to hell I can find what it is I am looking for or else I could very well be lost in this endless dark sea of broken hearts and lost dreams.

It is time for me to man up and face the demon inside of me.

I've been missing Zeus a lot again lately...can't get him out of my head...why is it every time I think I'm over the separation it just comes back to haunt me again? I don't miss Stephen, I do think about him from time to time though, the good times and the bad, but there was so much bad I can't feel anything but glad that it's all over and I'll never have to see him again. But when it comes to Zeus I can't seem to get over him and  don't know if it's just because I was so attached or if I just miss having a dog but whatever it is it creeps up slowly when I'm not paying attention and bites me hard...I still cry when I think about him and how he will never be mine again, I still get upset when I see a picture of him. I know it's selfish of me to feel this way, to be sad simply because he no longer belongs to me, but all I can keep thinking of is how great of a dog he is, how smart and well trained and extremely well behaved he is, how he was everything I had ever wanted in a dog, he was mine....and now I miss him everyday and I feel like I made a huge mistake giving him up the way I did.  I know he's well taken care of and that Steve loved that dog more than he ever loved me...but it doesn't stop the pain I feel or the emptiness I'm experiencing with his absence, this isn't an easy situation for me and I can't seem to just move on and get over it. I'm not sure what to do, I'm just stuck dealing with it, and this now empty spot I have where it hurts.

I'm still not feeling very good, being sick for the last week has taken a lot out of me and even though I'm starting to get better physically, emotionally I feel like a wreck. I'm not sure why but I'm feeling depressed. There is this sadness and this emptiness I can only acredit to the fact that I'm missing Zeus and maybe because I am missing Shawn so much. or maybe I'm missing them both because I'm seeking a source of comfort, and neither of which are available...that makes me sad. I'm feeling quite lonely even though I've just got back from a wonderful visit with a friend, I seek companionship and that isn't to be found anywhere.
I have this lack of energy and ambition due to this feeling of depression and it's causing me to spend more time thinking and being stuck in my head than I should. I keep thinking of the future and what that tarot reading meant an I can't decide if it was boding good or bad.

I guess you could say that most of my hesitation comes from fear...fear of the unknown. what might be and what will be. It's pointless to be afraid...I know that but it doesn't make it go away. What difference does it make to wait a year? I really don't know. The time with him to just be will be nice, to grow and see how things develop between him and me, that will be interesting. A year's worth of time to sit on this and really mull it over...I'm not sure that anything will change in regards to that though, it's still a choice that although I feel very sure of, am intimidated by. I'm not an individual who is easily intimated by anything be it person or action. But this decision I'm faced with is probably the hardest I've faced in my life. My biggest fear probably being that once I'm immersed in the training, caged up, tied up, locked up with the key thrown away...when I can no longer fight will I run away? Will the parts of me that fear dieing the most be the parts of me that push me away from you and tell me to run?...will I learn to hate you for the things you choose to do me?....I don't want to hate you, I do want to be afraid of you if only a little, but I do not wish to hate you. In the past it has been the feeling of being locked in a cage, the feeling of being wanted to be controlled that always makes me react negatively, pushes me away, makes me want to run far away and never go back. It's always been the feeling of being like a bird stuck in a cage that's always forced me away from the one's I've loved....I don't want that to happen with you....I don't want to be taken and locked away and broken...and yet there is this part of me, this stupid ignorant curiosity that insists I be just that, I whispers to me it's needs of being broken, of being locked in a cage and forced to stay through all the rage and all the hate and at the end of it all when that door is open...I'll choose to stay...but will I? I don't know what to expect or what to feel or know how things will change and that's what makes me so uncertain. All that I know is how I've reacted to things in the past, what I feel, what I think I want and what I think is best and right now is it just my unrelenting need to please him that pushes me to do things I wouldn't otherwise choose for myself? Is this what I want? Or do I want this because it is what he wants and I just want to push myself to make him happy? Is it me inside making these choices and these decisions or is it his force inside of me which drives and pushes me towards this?      If I cannot be what he wants or needs me to be...where would that put us in terms of a relationship or in the future?   I do not want to make a decision that I feel isn't mine. I do not wish to do something for the sole sake of it being what he wishes of me, that won't make me happy, and I could not bear living a life as a creature of his design, looking in the mirror knowing that what I see is not me and that there within lies nothing that used to be. And even if there are parts of me that never change, pieces of me that stay how they should, how will I ever be able to look at myself and know what's real and what's just made up? What is me and what is the girl he's made me to be?     I'm afraid of having a future identity crisis and because of that pushing him away from me, I'd hate to wake up one day and decide I didn't like the person I've become, the life I chose and decide I didn't want it anymore. I feel that this next year will determine the path I take for the remainder of my life, and it is that thought which causes me seek answers so desperately. But these are answers to a future which remains uncertain and so to are uncertain answers.

A smart girl would turn tail and run back to the familiar, run back home and live a comfortable, complacent life with what little freedom and comforts she could. A strong girl would pack her bags, find a new place to call her own and build a new life for herself like she had always planned she would do. A scared girl would stay, not knowing what else to do. A weak girl would fold herself into this relationship utterly and completely, no questions asked, no fighting, just total slavery and submission. What will I do? I have no intentions of running away, I Love him too much to just pack my bags and leave, but I feel much trepidation for the future in regards to my choices, the ones I have made and the ones I have yet to...the thought of being owned and controlled agitates me. The idea that he would tell me what to do and I'd hop to it for fear of being reprimanded bothers me. I'm not keen on the idea of being controlled and never have been, I'm so strong willed, independent, free spirited and freedom loving...it literally breaks my heart to imagine myself as being a slave, servant or anything similar. It is so strange because that's the truth of it and yet there is this part of me which craves it, the freedom of having no freedom, the weight of decision making and responsibility beyond that of which has been bestowed upon me by my Master seems relieving. To simply be and to serve...it seems so simple and alas so confining. There are two sides to all things, both of which need to be considered carefully, and it is upon the careful consideration of these parts of my life I am faced with I do not know which is worth the trouble more than the other....both are not possible, I can not be have my freedom and be happy, and yet I can not be happy without being free....perhaps it is the perception of freedom which makes me happy that is which eludes me. There's this picture of a bird in a cage with the door ajar and he is singing happily in his cage, oblivious to the fact he is even in it. Might it be possible that under the most structured form of confinement I will be able to truly feel free? That is the question I wrestle with because it's a theory to which I do not know the answer. I can speculate and I can assume and I can hope and I can try, but what if I get there and the door never opens and I'm just stuck as a bird in a cage for the rest of my life? That is my biggest fear.  I fear that having all my freedoms stripped from me won't make me any happier or feel any more free, but instead leave me hopeless and drained of Life hating what he has done to me and what I've allowed to happen to myself.


Not being in his head makes things hard, not knowing his full and complete intentions makes me a little paranoid. Not knowing all of the things he has planned, the fantasies he wishes to fulfill, the devious and violent acts he wants to enact with me....not knowing it all makes me feel like an idiot to agree to it so willingly and without hesitation and yet it is to him whom I am pulled towards with every fiber of my soul, my entire being. I want nothing more than to be owned mind, heart, body and soul by him....but is that what I really truly want? Or am I just pushed to him because of my constant need for comfort and guardianship and Love? Am I drawn to him out of need for dominant companionship? or is it really some deeper connection like I've allowed myself to believe it is?

I know I Love him, that much is certain, I want to be with him, I'm not here because I feel I have to be, or because I feel like I have no place left to go. I want a future with him, but at this point a future with him seems very uncertain and maybe it should be, our relationship is new, just starting out and to try and forsee how things are going to be seems like a complete and utter waste of time at this point, it would seem to me that the best option for me is to just let go of my anxiety and fears and hopes and desires for what could be and just let this be. Let go of your idea of the life you think you will lead in order to live the one that's been given. I Love him to pieces and hope we have a long lasting relationship, but right now I'm content to just be me and him just be him and we just be together with no desired outcomes or pushing things in any one direction and if that should mean that there comes a point in time where we must go our separate ways, then that bridge will be crossed when we get there.

Never fall in love with a poet...
A. Thomas Hawkins · Sep 13, 2012

Never fall in love with a poet
for their words are sometimes lies
on occasions they're a shield
on occasions a disguise

They will take you on a journey
upon which they bare their soul
in a bid to ease your burdens
in a bid to make you whole

But in every word they choose
for the stories that they tell
lies a little piece of heaven
and a little piece of hell

Tormented souls we poets are
sometimes quite broken and despaired
in search of lost expressions
missed by others who once cared

Never fall in love with a poet
unless you're prepared to share their pain
to hold them close on the darkest nights
over and again

.....It's a feeling like I'm drowning...but it's the most serene feeling I think I've ever felt in my Life. I close my eyes and I'm underwater, air bubbles drifting up through the sun as it streaks across my face through the sapphire-turquoise waves above. Just floating, watching.  He's coming...He's almost here. I can feel the pressure of the water in my nose as it tries to push it's way in past the bubbles. It's like I've been waiting a lifetime for Him to arrive...but haven't I?; waited a lifetime for my heart to be captured by such a dark and powerful beast such as He....always there, in my dreams, in the shadows lurking, in my senses; always smelled Him on the winds...knew He was there, coming...and here He is...finally coming to capture me and here I sit gleefully awaiting His arrival. I can't wait to see you baby. I'm just going to go to sleep, then wake up...and you'll be here *smiles* I Love you to the moon and back.

Do what thou wilt. This is the only Law.

The more I read the more I need to know, the more I know the more questions I have and so the more I read. Will the circle ever cease, and to what end do I search? What is the answer I seek if not the Truth? and the Truth is that not something which I already know inside of me? For if I did not then why would I then seek it so fervently?...

Something stirs deep within, powerful yes, but from what origin? that I do not know...it is not wolf, and it is not man, it is divine by right and yet what is divine if not something which I could not attain without the proper Understanding of things. I do not Understand, but I know the course of which I must undertake in order to fulfill my Understanding...am I insane? Have I lost myself to Ra-Hoor-Khuit, or is he the omnipresent force that guides me and always has?  This I feel is the Truth in part, the other part I do not and can not know for certain and yet Certainty is the gift in Life bestowed by Nuit, Certainty in all things you undertake, doubt is for the weak and Because be damned, If Will should ever stop to ask why then Will be stopped. I can not linger on the whys or hows of things, I must be swift in my ascertainment before my Will be changed and I be damned to uncertainty...

Ra-Hoor-Khuit is the Golden Dawn in the East, God of War and Vengeance though ye see it hardly.  Ra is God of Gods, King of all Creation, his power bestowed upon Horus to make him Ra-Hoor-Khuit, or so that would be what makes sense, but are these things that can be made sense of or must be taken as is? Mentu would appear to be another form of Horus changing into Ra-Hoor-Khuit, or perhaps just another name, the meanings of both gods seem similar in Egyptian history, both being falcon headed gods of War and having been "touched" or "effectively changed" by Ra. I'm trying to learn, slowly, there is not a whole lot of information to rely on unfortunately.


My own Understanding of the Truth thus far as deciphered from Liber CCXX, The Book of The Law.
    Nuit also known as Nu, is the Egyptian god of the sky. She is the Universe: everything we see, we see because she allows us to see. She is the Divine the origin of all energy and the radius of Hadit, Hadit being the earth, the center of all existence of Life and Death; Hadit is the Light of Life, where our energy comes from and flows into and through Hadit we flow into Nuit for they are One and so are none, none being nothing which is everything for everything is nothing. All things are made of energy, the energy of the Universe; Nuit, even Hadit. And it is through Love, the Love we give unto Nuit through all that we do that we become a part of the whole, our energy flowing into Nuit and so into the universe becoming one with everything and flowing back into nothing. Do you Understand? This is in part the Truth of things which I have only begun to Understand.

Love is the Law, Love under Will.

Little by little, day by day, I grow more used to idea that this is Home. I look around and take it all in, every nook, cranny, curve, and line. This is it, this is mine... it's just funny because the only thing I want right now is you and you're the only thing that's missing. There is a void at his absence that cannot be filled with anything, no amount of keeping busy can tear my mind away from the fact that he isn't here. It's an emptiness not only in my heart but here in this house, for without you I cannot call it home...you are my Home, not this building; Your arms around me and the smell of you on me. Eventually I will get used to it, adjusting takes time, I know that and would be foolish to think I wouldn't have an adjustment period with all the change in my life that has been happening over the last little while. In a way it's better that he isn't here, I still find myself a little awkward around him, not really being able to be everything that is myself, that's something that will open up gradually the more time we spend with one another and he will start with glimpses of me before I get comfortable enough to fully open myself up. I guess that's the shy part of the wolf in me, the puppy part that nobody but me ever really gets to see. Playful, energetic, silly. Otherwise it's all Wisdom, and stoic elegance, or that's what I try to make others perceive, I keep my innocent weaknesses to myself mostly, and those that are truly dear and close to me. I can count on one hand the number of people who actually and truly know me for me. I trust him more than any other in this world, he is a man I can open my self up to completely and without worry or apprehension. I do not hold myself away from him, but instead slowly open myself up to him like a flower that blossoms in the warm Sunshine of Spring. Petal by petal, I will be his.

Two weeks turns out to be a lot longer than I originally perceived it to be. I can tolerate the time and space I have while he is away and I know in the future there will be times when I require it. With things being so new and fresh I find it bittersweet to have him gone away for so long, makes me not want to get a job because I feel like then the time we have together will be even less...maybe I'll try and find a job where it's flexible so I can spend the time I can with him. It's a strange feeling, not being the sole provider of a household, having a more than competent partner who loves and supports me without a second thought or holding it over my head, my subconscious out of muscle memory automatically thinks "what's the catch?" But I know there is none...just a breathe of fresh air and the feeling of freedom. Something with which I am unaccustomed to, and it is for this that I must thank you...because this I would not have were it not for your Love and kindness; this is the greatest gift of all. Thank You. 

If I stand back and analyze the current situation I now find myself immersed in, from the perspective of any but myself, I would say "You are fucking crazy!" But that is generally what other people think of me and my actions lol I don't care about the opinions of others, I can not let the perspectives of other people run my life. When I was younger I let my family rule over me, and the day that changed, is the day I began to change into what I am now, and even still I change, morph, evolve: that will never change. The direction in which I now find myself going is a direction I've always moved towards but never really found, a bearing in the darkness that has no landmarks, so instead I turned my head towards the heavens and found the constellations that now guide me. My Moon and my Stars, the Sun of my Life. He who will take me to a higher level of existence which I have always craved. The journey I now face will be long and filled with much pain of the physical kind, but nothing will make me stray, for so long as his eyes look into mine, everything else around me doesn't matter, time has no hold, what happens to my physical body is of no concern to me, so long as his gaze is upon mine, and our souls remain entwined: for so long as his soul embraces mine everything in the universe is as it should be...well for me anyways.

Do what thou wilt; do what you will; Be You and Do what you feel you need to do, what is right for you and everything else in the world will be right too. Fill your role, do your part in the great play of Life and one day you will see the grander scheme of all things, fallow your path no matter how bloody, dark and broken it is and eventually you will find your light in that deepest of darkness generally in your time of greatest despair. Do not despair: Everything will be alright.

A Love song in Pieces.

Before I met you-
"I'm miss autonomy, miss nowhere
I'm at the bottom of me
Miss androgyny, miss don't care
What I've done to me

I am misused, I don't wanna do
Be not your slave
Misguided, I mind it
I'm missin' the train

And I don't know where I've been
And I don't know what I'm into
And I don't know what I've done to me"

~ "Miss Nothing"- Pretty Reckless


Getting to know you-
"You make me glow, but I cover up
Won't let it show, so I'm
Putting my defences up
Because I don't want to fall in Love
If I ever did that
I think I'd have a heart attack."

~"Heart Attack"-Demi Lovato


Falling for you-"I only pray you'll never leave me behind
Because good music can be so hard to find
I take your head and hold it closer to mine
Thought love was dead, but now you're changing my mind

My heart's a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every note
Make me your radio
Turn me up when you feel low
This melody was meant for you
Just sing along to my stereo"
~"Stereo Hearts" Gym Class Heroes

Love-"If you should fall to pieces
You know I’ll pick them up
There are so many reasons
I’m never going to get enough
If you should leave this country
You know I’ll come to you
Because you always love me
oh what I wouldn’t do.
Oh what I wouldn’t do.

I’ll carry the weight
I’ll do anything for you
My bones may break
but I’ll never be untrue.Your love is like an ocean
that always takes me home
Whispering wind is blowing
telling me I’m not alone
Your love is like a river
that I am floating down.The current grows stronger
under different shades of blue
I’ve fallen in your water
forget everything I knew"

~ "What I wouldn't do" - Serena RyderBecoming Close-"I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decidedWho's one of my kind"
~"Soul Sister" - Train
"I belong with you, you belong with me my sweetheart.
I belong with you, you belong with me my sweet."
~"Ho Hey" The Lumineers


Head Over Heels-I've never seen it, I found this love, I'm gonna feed it
You better believe, I'm gonna treat it better than anything I've ever had
Cause you're so damn beautiful
Read it, it's signed and delivered let's seal it
Boy we go together like peanuts and paydays and Marley and reggae
And everybody needs to get a chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

~"Brighter than the Sun" - Colby Callait
If ever we are lost-And so I'll try to understand what I can't hold in my hand
And whatever I find, I'll find my way back to you.
And if you could try to find it too 'cause this place is overgrowing 
to whacks and gloom.
Home is wherever we are if there's nothing too

~"Home" - Jack Johnson

Forever changed-The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came
~"Glad you Came" The Wanted



My last few days
-"Packing the last few shirts into a bloated suitcase 
The last glimpse of comfort and the ticking clock face 
I swear those hands move faster every day 
I'm more confused than ever but I don't beg or pray 'cause the 
Sparkling light from the morning sun 
Is all we should need to feel one. 
That I am lost so lost 
But your the constellations 
That guide me"
~"Constellations" Enter Shikari



Heading back home-I got my ticket for the long way round
The one with the prettiest of views
It's got mountains
It's got rivers
It's got sights to give you shivers
But it sure will be prettier with you."

~"The Cup Song"- Anna KendrickThinking of you-Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

~"Feeling Good" - Michael Buble

Wrath of a Mad God.

I'd be lieing if I said I missed him, had good thoughts of him even. No I simply loathe him and keep getting the most violent thoughts of all the things I wish I could do to him. He's having a hard time believing that I am actually leaving, I catch him  with the little things, "Well in a few weeks we..."  A few weeks? ...WE?! No fucker you had your chance and now I'm leaving, wiping my hands of your filth and disgusting habits. I spit on you and curse you more horribly than any other I've ever known, you will not go quietly into that calm night, no you will twist and turn like a worm as a you squirm in your torment for the rest of your pathetic existence, this is your toll for the havoc you have wreaked upon my life, all of the darkness and the strife you dragged me through just because all I ever wanted was to be with you. Fuck you. I'm sorry I ever cared, that I ever tried, you were never worth it and I was so blind. But no longer. Now it is I who stands above you while you cry on your knees begging for mercy, and you shall receive none, just as I did...Run, run far far away and never come back, never return, because if you do, I will not welcome you, I will destroy you. This I so solemnly swear.


It's so weird to think I ever loved him...I look at him now and wonder....how?!  How did I ever think you were attractive? How did I ever stomach being touched by you? fucking you? *shudders* You completely disgust and frustrate me and I am pretty damn sure I hate you. Hate is a strong word, but in your case maybe not quite strong enough. Abhor, yes abhor...I Abhor you in the worst kind of ways, all the ways you deserve. Piece of shit, lazy douche bag, idiotic loser! When I look at you it is with nothing but contempt. Hell hath no furry as a woman's scorn! And my scorn you have earned through your ignorance, your inconsideration and abuse, you're unrelenting anger and unnecessary judgement. Why couldn't you just let me go? Set me free? You saw me cry myself to sleep so many nights, you just sat and played games or watched T.V and utterly ignored my pain. You knew you didn't want me, you said it so many times and still you would not let me go...and so now I have undone my chains and allowed myself the freedom you so long denied me.

You want to know the funniest thing of all? He still thinks everything is all my fault, I didn't try hard enough you know...So carrying your ass through six months of no work and receiving no love, no appreciation, no help, not a damn thing but your needy incessant bitching, yes that's my fault, and I'm sorry I let it go on for as long as it did. I am sorry I helped you and carried your ass through everything you made a mess of...I let you make a mess of me, my life, my happiness...all because I was stupid and brave enough to give you the benefit of the doubt but I see now that all along you were just doing what you do best and that's sitting on your fat ass complaining about all of the things that aren't right and never doing a damn thing yourself to change them. Fuck You. And it's my fault things couldn't work because I was just incapable of change. Fuck you mother fucker! I tried to change, and I couldn't. I buried and tortured myself for so long inside trying to be what you wanted from me and it still was never enough, "Try harder" "You're not trying at all" Fuck YOU! I tried harder than anything I've done in my life to make things work with you just like I always promised I would do...where were you? Dumb FUCK! AAARRRGGHHH!!!!! If I could wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze so hard your eyeballs popped out it wouldn't be enough to satisfy the ravenous beast inside.

My appetency towards him grows exponentially with each passing day. When will the time finally come? My impatience is my downfall but how could I not be impatient for something such as this? What I wouldn't give for just one kiss, just one tiny little peck on the lips and my whole world would come undone only to be built back up in his arms again.

Among the thickness of it all, I find myself more excited than I think I have ever been in my life. Every time I see those eyes, that smile...oh god that smile...I just want to run to him like a pup to it's Master. Of all the things that I have felt in my life, I've never felt something such as this. Not Love, Not True Love can even compare to what this is. Soul mate is a term that comes to mind and I've never been one to believe that they exist.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

― Bob Marley

There now I've gone and done it, talked my way into a hole.  *sighs*

What have I done, stupid, stupid, stupid. One of these days I'm going to cut this damnable thing out from my chest and cast it into the sea! Oh why, oh why, oh why did he have to choose me?. I can only hope that he can take me seriously. "Ha!, Love!" he'll probably say, now that's a pretty big word to be throwing around...but then again he really doesn't know me all that well. Is it strange that I'm incapable of holding back my Love at times? That I feel the need to Love unconditionally those that matter to me? Is it weird that he matters to me? Half the time I don't know the answers to these questions I ask myself so I just go with the flow, but right now I think I've stepped into a very unfamiliar place with a very formidable opponent and If I do not tread lightly I may find myself wishing more than ever I  had not listened to my heart....but even as I type this now I am still thinking of him and how much I'd like to give him the chance to prove me wrong, question is, Is that his intention? What is his wish? I don't want to have to worry about mind games, but at the same time given who I'm dealing with I'd have to be a complete idiot not be cautious, I just don't want my cautiousness to push him away or make him feel like I don't trust him.

I'm trying to control my emotions for the sake of not rushing things, I want to care, but yet keep myself from caring too much, I want to love, but refuse to allow myself the privilege. It's almost like I need his permission, I need him to say "It's okay, you can Love me"....gosh I'm such a young fool. I guess in a way I'm also keeping myself at arms length because I assume he feels  as if he could just reach out and pluck me like a delicate flower, smell me and toss me away when he's done. He's certainly the type to do so lol and to be honest it's almost what I expect, We meet, things explode like a super nova, they die down, and sizzle out but I still want to Love him, even if he never loves me and after all is said and done, when he's finished with me, I can move on, lessons learned, fun and adventure had, romance explored, friendship intact if things lead that way. I really just want the chance to make him happy, and if he isn't happy with me then what will be, will be and all I can really do is just be me.

If you're unaware, it's crazy to see how quickly things can move from want to need. But to ever say I couldn't live without you, that would be a lie, I can live with out you... I'd just rather not have to. I want you and to me that is worth more than ever needing you could mean.
I've felt what it is to need a person. The constant tugging towards them, can't get them out of your mind it drives you crazy inside, you crave it like the worst drug and can never get enough. That would be all too easy to fall into with you, but instead I try and keep level, calm, grounded, strong...and all It would take is for you to say."I want you to need me." and just like that It would be all too easy. Use me and abuse me, but never miss use me. Please, just never lead me astray and by your side forever I will stay, until such a time comes when you do say, now is the time for you to go away.

"The truth comes out as the fire burns low.
It comes to light as only embers glow.
The whiskey talks and the west wind moans in the night."

Between light and dark, strange things lurk. What new horizons I face.

There is this feeling I have, this gnawing desire to let myself fall into his darkness and be surrounded by it but I pull away from it if only just a little. I will not fall, no, I can not fall. Surely I would never have considered that one day I would keep truly nothing from someone other than myself, but here I am confessing to myself my deepest fears and emotions, even knowing he now too will know but yet knowing this I still confess.

I'll put up a fight. I'll be damned if he thinks it'll be easy. He must have the power to handle me at my worst if he is to benefit from my best. He has to prove to me he's superior in every way, for I could never belong to anything but.

It seems so surreal right now. How could I spend a lifetime believing that a person couldn't exist only to one day find to my delight and scepticism that they have suddenly appeared. The words, "Too good to be true." come to mind, because indeed tis what this seems.

Dare I dream that this could be true?
Dare I let my fantasies show through?
I know not what I should do,
Now that I have been faced by you.



"If you ever feel the need for a connection, and say we're fighting or not talking or whatever...I'll promise you: You can come to me, get on your knees and hold my leg. Hold on as tight as you want. I promise I will never push you away."

...If I could be anywhere in the world right now, right there is where I would be.


I'm not afraid of emotional pain, that's familiar to me. I am afraid of physical pain, but that will change with time. I'm not afraid of being modelled into a better person, a Kajira. I am afraid of miss layed trust, though not with him. Him I trust more than just about any other. I do not fear being used, no, that I crave. I fear the insatiable hunger within myself for insatiable is what it has proven to be. But I feel that maybe, just maybe, that he holds the key to the lock that secures the chain which binds me.


He's not stupid. He already knows he's won.

The hunger has done nothing but continue to grow. Certainly not surprising. Coping has taken very little restraint and I can not risk an unexpected re awakening at this time. Things are delicate and that would absolutely make a mess of things...not that they aren't already tattered around the edges and fraying quickly. Right now I don't have time to stop and catch my breath, no time for quiet patient contemplation and yet that is exactly what my current situation demands of me. That of which it seems I am quite incapable.Time simply won't allow for it and it is Time itself which pushes hard in the direction I am currently heading. Time being the very ideal towards which I hold most dissension. I dream of being truly free. I dream of a world with no borders, no fences; A world in which nothing is ever owned, unless it's a gift, something given to you by another out of the kindness and gratitude of their heart. A world in which you are free to roam wherever the winds may blow you and the only thing stopping you is your lack of will to push forward. A world where magic is very real, as real as the human soul, as real as the energy of all living things. I've had it to my wits end with everything to do with humanity, society, this Idea of Industry;Time; Consume; Create; Innovate. It's absolutely horrific to me and I can't bear it, it drives me insane being stuck like this, surrounded by guns and bars on all sides should I fail to Co-operate, to partake in this ..this Insanity for I'm certain that is exactly what this all is. A nightmare of Epic proportions, an inescapable reality I do not wish to be in. This is why I sleep so damn much *smiles*. All avenues of escape are quickly disappearing as the reins of power tighten around the hands of freedom. Soon this will be a world where no hand may reach out to obtain anything but that which is handed to it. No longer shall there  be men who sow the seeds of their forefathers, no now there will only be the seeds newly created, the next great innovation in the GMP (Genetically Modified Plant) industry. No longer will there be meat you've freshly harvested from the land, there will only be the pre-packaged, fully enriched for the highest nutritional potential GMMP (Genetically Modified Meat Product) Grown in test tubes and served to you on a golden platter. Animals? GMC Genetically Modified Clones to ensure the lowest percentage of DNA dilution and the longest, strongest possible genetic composure. I fear the future, for in it, WE are the aliens.

Things are beginning to become strange again. The feeling in the base of my skull growing with a dull hum. The dark swirls in the mists of creation and dares to dream of once again being revived. It thirts for survival and I hunger for that which I do not know.