I'm really starting to get sick of the emotional roller coaster that goes on inside of my head. I'm happy, I'm fine things are going good and then I'm sad, upset, confused, depressed. It's the feeling of being alone, the lack of communication, the lack of companionship. There's always been so much about myself I have never been able to quite understand, the "crazy" in me I try to reason away and calm myself away from and I thought that maybe in time I would grow out of it or find a way to move past it. I was so sure the right person would be able to help me get rid of this, this mess inside of me and I'm beginning to realize the only person who will ever be able to fix me is me, but how do I fix what I do not perceive as broken? Just unfulfilled...

Will I ever be good enough for myself? I feel like no, I'll never live up to everything I expect from me and that to me says I need to throw all my stupid expectations out the window and stop trying to be things that I think I should be and just start being the things that I am...but what is that exactly? I've always had identity issues, problems coming to terms with myself and I'm not sure why. I guess everybody has this image in their mind of who they want to be, who they wish they could be and never really stop to look inside and realize who they really are...the problem with me is I've looked so deep inside of myself and every time I do what I find repulses me and pushes me away, makes me want to push myself to be what I want to be rather than what I really am. It's been so long since I've dropped my walls to myself and looked inside, it's like I keep myself protected from certain parts of me for fear of the corruption spreading. Finding my balance has always been the goal in front of me and it is not an easy one to achieve that's for sure. Every time I'm faced with this issue I'd rather bury it again then face it...I cannot face it alone, it frightens me in truth and yet it is by myself I must turn inwards and face myself in order to find myself, my whole self...whoever that may be. One of the greatest gifts of Life, and one of the greatest curses is that of Change. It's never scared me, there is the good and there is the bad, and I've always taken it all in stride even if at the time I felt like my world was falling apart and I'd wish to die with all my strength. You just keep breathing and you get through it, that is one of the glories of life; if you are strong enough to adapt to the change you will survive but how the change affects you is all in how you let it. You can use it to make you stronger, or it can leave you scarred and weak, it can even make you happier than you've ever been or it can leave you wishing you had never lived. Change has affected me in many ways throughout the short amount of time I have lived in this life time some of it making me stronger, some of it leaving me weak, but always I come out on the other side one way or another. So why is that now when I am faced with the prospect of being able to change my life undoubtedly for the better by looking inside to find the change necessary in order to allow my true self to be free that I cower in the corner begging for the darkness to take me away so I can forget it all again. Why is it that when faced with the demon inside of me I would rather turn tail and run, run to the drugs, to the alcohol, to the lies and fantasy rather than meet her with a warm embrace?

When immersed in the Light of Life I beg and cry for the Darkness, and when I'm in that deepest of Darkness where I begged to go I scream and pray for the Light. I cannot be in one or the other, but I must be in both, that is the balance I require but have never truly understood. How can you be light and dark? How can you not pick either and live both? How do you walk the finest of lines and not fall to either side....it just seems so impossible. It's always been a constant battle, a constant pull from either side like being torn apart by two wolves inside, but you cannot feed one without starving the other and when one starves for too long the hunger grows too strong to ignore and so the cycle begins again. How do you feed both and keep both happy? Is that even possible....I don't know, I have tried, god have I tried and always it ends up the same way, failed. I'm sick of this war inside of myself, I'm sick of fighting for my sanity and my humanity and whatever the fuck else it is that lies within me, it's times like this where it gets real bad I just want to shoot myself and stop it all, get away from it for good. It's the days where I wish, pray, beg for death that remind me what it is to really be alive... Life is pain, Life is suffering and I think a good measure of how well you lived your life can be found in how long and how hard you have suffered through it, how much pain you endured and lived through it, that is what shows you how strong you really are.


Sometimes it doesn't last long, a few hours, a day maybe two. Other times it's weeks, a month, months. How long I wander from my right path varies, how long it takes me to find my way again depends on so much. it was years ago I made my choice when faced with the option to choose between a "normal", "happy", ignorant life of a human or the long, dark, broken, path that few dare to attempt to navigate through. I didn't even have to think about which I'd choose, and every day I am reminded of which path I took for my life from that moment has been nothing but a lot of stumbling through an endless darkness along a broken and seemingly endless road...alone, blind, and sometimes scared. There are things in that darkness you cannot avoid, and there are things you find that you cannot run away from. and it is here at this point in my journey that the path has been lost to me and I find myself stumbling through the inky blackness trying to find my way again, crawling on my hands and knees feeling for the direction and find none, and it is times such as these that I have no other option but turn inward and find the answers I seek and hope to hell I can find what it is I am looking for or else I could very well be lost in this endless dark sea of broken hearts and lost dreams.

It is time for me to man up and face the demon inside of me.