Things are such a chaotic mess, spiraling ever down towards a crash landing against my will, pride and life. It's all my fault, all of this. If I could just give up everything and be happy with what I have, settle for this instead of having hopes, dreams, wants and desires everything would be okay. I'd be okay with this, with him. I love him so god damned much and I can't for the life of me understand why he treats me the way he does, why he can't be affectionate, loving and careing. It's like he has no heart left, no tenderness left in his soul. He is draining all the love for anything from my heart and leaving me trapped like a bird in a cage. Dreaming of open skies, the sun and the clouds, the wind upon my face and never ending freedom. Only to be locked in a box and fed only what he decides to give me and I'm supposed to love him for it.....but I do love him so much. I would leave if I had the heart the heart to leave the man who said he would never love again and yet chose to love me. How could I ever hurt him? How could I ever inflict such a thing upon any person? I know too well what it is to have your heart torn from your chest, still beating bright, and have it crushed before your very eyes by the one whom held it so dearly. How could I ever do that? I've put myself in this position, it was my desire and curiosity that got me my devotion and love that keep me here but my heart and soul that pay the price, and such a dear price that it is. To live without a person who holds you close and whispers in your ear at night how much they love you and will never let you go, that they will hold you tight until the sands of time themselves erode us away, it is torture. I need passion, I need love at it finest and won't rest until I find it. It's killing me, sitting here, stuck in a cage lick some domesticated slave animal, some pet for a man who likes the way I look, or likes having me around. I'm a being filled with a thirst and need for adventure, the unknown, wild abandon. Being stuck like this does nothing but rot my soul and stagnate my heart, threatens to take it all away. I'm beyond a point of breaking, I'm in the midst of it. And now am faced with a choice that is all too clear. Break or be broken, the sad part is I already know which I have chosen....An iron will does not bend nor break, but when touched by the fire of love and compassion, melts.

What am I feeling?

-Lost
-Worthless.
-Depressed and sad.
-Hurt.
-Rejected.
-Angry.
-Violent.
-Confused and twisted like I'm missing something or not understanding something.
-Isolated and alone.

Why am I feeling these things?

-My needs are not being met.
-I'm in a position of little to no power over myself and my life/decisions.
-The person I have entrusted myself to doesn't treat me the way I want and need to be treated.
-The person I want to get certain things from won't give them to me, but gives them to others, making me feel worthless and rejected.
-The constant stress of a dirty house, and dealing with ridiculous problems concerning money and bills.
-Having to care for a dog that I hate and don't want.

Things that could help or solve the issues/ problems and resolve the negative feelings.

-Getting more of what I need, Physical attention, Tender Love and Care, Sex, Affection, Romance, a Partner/ Relationship.
-Being in a better environment. The one I am in now feels hostile, negative, and stressful. I need to be in a place where I feel love, calm, free, no worries.
-Being in a better financial situation. Getting a job.
-Being surrounded by more of what I love and enjoy.


Having looked at everything and sorted it out, really what I need is more freedom to do what I want and need when I want. I need a job, and serious committed loving partner. Now bringing this to him won't be easy because I know he will just put down everything and tell me I'm stupid and what I'm feeling is bullshit and say that I need to pull my head out of my ass. But fuck him. This is what I want and what I am going to work towards, whether he helps me or not.

"Put up with what? Other than me caring for you and taking care of you."

What do I put up with he asks, other than him caring for and about me. Hmmm let me see. He really pissed me off the other day and I think he realized just how seriously pissed off I was for once. Besides the constant bitching and arguing I endure, there's all these little things that bother me. It's always the little things that get to you the most. The way he eats, what he eats. The way he cooks, the way he tries to tell me how to cook like I know nothing. The way he always feels the need to explain things to me that I don't care about (but according to him should) and ignores the important things by saying "It's not important to understand why something is the way it is, just that it is." and oh my fuck does that piss me off. He's always yelling at the dog, saying he'll help me with him, then doesn't or what he considers helping I'd rather he didn't help at all. He makes constant messes and never cleans them up, it's like he knows if he waits long enough I'll get annoyed and do it myself or eventually HAVE to. The money thing has just become a whole chaotic mess, wait, no, this entire situation has become a huge chaotic mess. And I really, REALLY, just don't care anymore. I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago and just stop caring, stop worrying and stop trying to do anything other than keep myself as stable as possible. Fuck it. I try to help and I do is get pushed aside and chastised for it. So fuck it. It's making my life easier, happier, and I'm learning the lesson that you can't help everyone, you can't please everyone and you can't always put everyone else before you. It would be nice if  I was able to, but at this point in time it's just impossible. I've tried and maybe if I was a stronger person I wouldn't care the costs but I need to concentrate on my future. Maybe if they were trying harder and showing me that they legitimately cared and were trying I'd be okay with it but at this point there is no effort on their part and therefor I have no sympathy for a man who digs his own grave. I've helped him more than I think he knows and now I can't without jeopardizing so much more and to me it's not worth it, in the end it's just not.

Things should be getting better. Whether or not we move, get kicked out, I move back home, new room mates. Whatever it is, it will be better than this, and of course I always keep the mental note that even though things seem bad, they could always be worse. At least I'm going to school, I'll be finding a job, I'm on my own, 18, and been smart with my life so far. I have a chance to be something, to be someone, to grow and hopefully one day maybe I'll be able to help the people that right now I just can't. But only after I help myself. Which makes sense. In a way by doing this, in the end I'm really doing it for them, to help them just as much as myself. I owe this to everyone. My family, my friends, and most importantly me.

The next few months will fly by, before I know it I'll be back in school. Things will change, I will grow and change. Things will get better, things will change. Change, the most important and most constant guaranteed part of life. I'm so focused and wrapped on the now, on the negative, on the things that need to be fixed, never the things that I have, the positive, the gifts and awesomness that life has given me. Sure things aren't perfect, they never will be, I'm content with most things, and working out the kinks, lol the "kinks" in my life and things are like I said, getting better. And hopefully will continue to do so. Frank was right that with the right person your relationship will never have downs, because together you work through it all and in the end come out happier and stronger than before. And that's what's happening, we are working through things as a team, together helping one another get through this crazy labyrinth of life. And as much as I complain and have my pet peevs about him I love him and wouldn't trade him for the world. He's amazing to me and sure there are moments but everyone has those moments, everyone has their dislikes, discomforts and things they don't agree on, it's being able to look past it all, work through it all and still be able to hold hands and smile. That is love, real true, raw love.

The story book, fairy tale version of love, as amazing as it and how wonderful it is to day dream about, doesn't exist. Moments of it do and those are the moments we most cherish, but in reality love is fraught with every emotion, including the not so good ones. But in the end the, if you're with the right person, the negative ones bring you closer together and make you a stronger couple. It's just having what it takes, and caring about the person enough to go through it with and for them. And this is proving to be one of those times where I have found somebody worth going through it all for and it appears that they feel the same, or I wouldn't be sitting here typing this. Not if things had ended badly the other night. It must be so hard for him with me being as young as I am. As mature as everyone says I am, I'm still a teenager and this is still all so new to me. It's a lot of frustration for him I'm sure and a lot of stress. I feel kind of bad but then again he wouldn't put up with it and continue doing everything he does if he didn't care right?

The worst thing I could do right now I think would be to allow myself to feel like I'm some kind of exception with him, in fact that might be the worse thing I could ever do, even if it were true. As good as it would make me feel, I think it would just in the end lead me to taking things for granted and I don't ever want that to happen.

So he's brought up the suggestion that me and him should get a service sub. At first I hated the idea, thinking it was just a way to "replace me" What the fuck would I want a service sub for? But he says in a lot of ways it will help things between me and him and give me a lot more of what I feel I need and am missing from him because he feels that by having another person in the mix it will have less of a chance of messing things up between me and him. So I'm trusting him and besides I won't know until I try, and I've agreed to trying it out. And he's promised me that if for any reason I get uncomfortable or feel there is a problem he will get rid of her. lol his words were "I would throw her through, yes through, the door by her hair and pussy lips." lol so that's given me a little more confidence with the idea of this situation as well.

So he has already began scheduling play dates for me. One with Dereck and one with Fern and Sar. Those are just play dates mind you, not the sex. That is a whole different party don't you know lol. So we will see how that turns out. In truth it excites me, the idea of not knowing. The mystery, the erotic potential. And at the same time even the fear is a turn on. Lets see what the future has in store for me :)

There is no real way to explain what I am feeling, at least there is no real way for me to portray the reasons as to why I am feeling this way or Why it is exactly. All I know is I love him, more than I love some of my family, more than my brothers, more than maybe my own parents. He is my best friend and yet at times the source for some of my worst sorrow. But maybe that is what makes me so attracted to him, so enamored by him. No matter how mad he makes me, no matter how pissed off, irritated or hurt I am by him or his actions. All it takes is an I love you, I'm sorry, a hug, a snuggle, a kiss and my world is at peace, everything is okay and I feel safe. Maybe it's the fear that he once he starts spending more time with other people, forming new "relationships" with people he will see me differently, all the things I fear will come true. In the end it is all fear I suppose. My own insecurities. But I shouldn't let that get between him and I and the bond that him and I share. The idea of him playing with other girls doesn't bother me persay, sure I'm a little jealous but for the most part I'm over it. I understand it because I'm the same way. A lot of what I've been feeling lately is new, even how much I love him, how deeply I hold him and the connection we have is all so new to me, only because I never thought two people could share so much, be so close and not have a relationship, no sex, no sexuality. Though when I think about it why wouldn't it be possible? Sex is a commodity, pure instinct, raw emotion and animosity. That's what I love about it. The energy, the animosity, the connection. And I know that is why I get jealous or used to, when he would mention fucking other girls when he hasn't and won't fuck me. To me it's an energy exchange, your purest, rawest emotional energy and spirituality, you become a part of them and they become a part of you. They see you in your most exposed, vulnerable state. To me it's the strongest portrayal of your feelings for someone, your trust and desire. Sure sex is sex, but with me it's never just sex and as much as I can understand that a fuck is a fuck and making love is making love. I can only understand it to an extent because of how I see it, how it feels to me. That's why it rubs me the wrong way when he is so willingly and actively and trying to find someone to be sexual with and yet denies me the opportunity, though his reasons for doing so are understandable and amiable, just at times I lose myself and forget that his version of sex and my version of sex are two very different things. To me it is almost a ritualistic experience and with him it's like going to a restaurant and ordering a burger. I wonder if I'll ever be able to really understand how someone can make such an act of emotion and spiritual connection such a menial objectified commodity. Maybe it's just my youth, inexperience and naivety,or perhaps I'm just incapable of having meaningless, emotionless sex. He just laughs at me and calls me silly when I try and explain this to him. And in a way I guess it hurts that he doesn't take me seriously, doesn't take my feelings and thoughts seriously or try and talk to me, instead he tells me I need to change, attacks my views and leaves me broken, confused, and lost. He makes me feel that everything I do is wrong, makes me feel like I'm stupid, that I don't know anything. And maybe he is right, I'm 18 and young and don't know much of anything about life. But instead of criticizing and pushing and bullying me, all things that I don't need and don't react well to at all. He should be trying to walk me through things, explaining them so I understand and can see for myself instead of telling them to me and expecting me to take it all for face value with no explanation because "it's not important you understand why something is, it's just important that you understand it is". I fucking hate when he pulls that shit. It's like some stupid excuse, some way to avoid the trouble of actually having to take the time to sit down and talk, not argue, not tell me, talk with me and discuss. I hate how he blows me off and discredits anything I say because I'm 18 and I can't possibly know. I know nothing. Some days he is a little much to handle, which is another reason why I don't necessarily like the idea of him being with other girls. They will get to see a side of him that I never get to see, experience and know him in a way I will never get to. They get all the good and none of the shit I have to put up with sometimes. So I feel like in a way I'm taken for granted, that I'm unappreciated. He makes all of these nice comments about all of these other girls, and I get border line semi abuse and the occasional five second cuddle, hug or kiss whenever he feels like it. With him it's always about what he feels, what he wants, and it seems like as long as he gets what he wants he is happy and if I can't be happy for him that I'm a bad person. Some times I think he can be so inconsiderate about my feelings, but then again how I feel isn't his problem now is it? I'm in charge of my emotions, I'm the one responsible for making myself happy. So I can't expect him to want to make sure I'm getting everything I need or be the one to supply it. I just get so mixed up, so confused and turned upside down backwards sometimes. Is this really a healthy choice for me? Is this really the healthiest living situation for me to be in? I'm faced everyday with the same realizations, fears, feelings, stresses, irritations, and negativity that I just don't have it in me to be happy, I don't have the time or energy after dealing with all of that for me and what I want. It's come to a point where I've made the decision that I can no longer be worried about what he wants, what he expects from me, what he needs but I need to focus on me because no one else will. It's not an easy decision, because I love him and don't want to cause a rift between us, but he can't be what I need him to be and as much as it hurts and saddens me because he can't be the man I need or want him to be I have to stand up and be my own Alpha again, which means that he is going to have to accept that. I just hope he can understand that. It will change who I am, the way I act, the way I respond to him. I didn't and don't want things to change, but they need to because if they don't I'm digging my own hole and it's just going to get deeper and deeper and darker and darker. I'm the only one who can change that, I'm the only one who can protect me and do what is best for me, I'm the only one who knows me, really truly knows who I am. He says I can't lie, if only he knew, he says I can't act...he has no idea. Sometimes the person I really am on the inside scares me, in fact everyday I scare myself. I don't want to be that person so I do everything I can to drive myself away from it, to push myself to be the better person, to be the girl that everybody sees I am, and thinks I am. But none of them really know, I don't even think he does. If I were someone else I wouldn't believe me either. The worst part is their doubt and naivety only makes me want to use that against them. As long as they think I'm what I want them to see, they believe the act I put on for everyone including myself it just makes them easy prey, puts them in the exact position I want them to be in. But then I pry myself away from that, I don't want to be like that, I don't want to hurt people anymore, I don't want to use people, I don't want to be mean and cruel, I just want to be the girl I let everyone believe I am. Especially when it comes to him I want to be the best I can be, I want to make him proud and prove to him that I really am worth something. But it seems no matter what I do, how hard I try, it's never enough, it's never good enough and he just criticizes and makes me ask why I even try. So I've stopped doing things for him because he either never noticed, and if he did just made me feel bad about it, or if he did notice, just made me feel bad about it and unappreciated. There are so many reasons, so many things that he does that give me ample reason to want to leave, and trust me it crosses my mind almost everyday. But I love him and care about him way too much to do that to him. As much as he pisses me off he makes me happier than anybody else in the world. He means more to me than the world itself, I've never cried more over a person than I have over him. I've never been afraid of losing someone, but I'm constantly afraid of losing him. It's just I feel like he takes it all so lightly, that he takes me so lightly. He doesn't make me feel wanted, he doesn't make me feel good about myself, and often causes me more sorrow than happiness. And yet the little bits of happiness make everything okay, but that doesn't last forever, it's not enough. Love is never enough. No matter how strong it's not strong enough to hold itself together. And it's starting to fray at the edges and I'm not sure how much longer it can last. I try, god knows I've pushed myself further, done more things for him than I have ever done for anyone including myself and yet he takes it all like he expects it and more on a constant basis. It hurts and digs in like thorn to my heart. But I grin and bear it because I have hope. Hope that maybe things will change, that maybe they will get better. That maybe it is all just me being stupid and young, that I'll learn and grow and learn to cope, even thrive, but honestly it's killing me inside. Slowly, tortuously eating  away at my heart and soul. I can't take much more and yet I don't want to stop, don't want to give up. But if he is unwilling to compromise, unwilling to try, then why should I give him way more than I've ever received?  

I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry that you throw a fit when you don't get everything you want.
I'm sorry that your own inabilities to look after yourself make it seem like it is always everyone else's fault.
I'm sorry that I was stupid and naive and believed that you were better than what you are proving to me that you are.
I'm sorry that I believed in you, trusted you and let you lead me around on a leash to show you just how much I cared about you only to be taken for granted because you are too blind to see or ignorant enough to do so.
I'm sorry that now I've decided you are not what is best for me and I need to move on.
I'm sorry that all of this is my fault for desiring you so deeply.
I'm sorry that you can't allow yourself to live through your heart.
I'm sorry that I'm so young and want to live, experience, make mistakes, and learn.
I'm sorry that we are so alike and yet so different.
I'm sorry about those nights I lied awake in bed, dreaming, hoping , wishing and crying over you, about, and because of you.
I'm sorry that my heart and soul are stronger than yours.

Anger.

And heres the fucking anger again AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! I just want it all to go away! Why I can't I do what I know is best for me? Why can't I bring it upon myself to stop all of this now?.....I'm so weak and pathetic....I guess I'm really getting exactly what I deserve. This all started because of my strong desire to be with him, I left somebody I loved and had an amazing relationship with for him, well for to have a chance to be with him. And here I am as close as I'll ever be with him and I'm so unhappy. So lost and so God damned angry. How is anything he does for me or says to me supposed to mean anything when I'm not the only person he says it to? How am I supposed to believe him? How am I supposed to feel in a situation like this?.....It's like my heart is being ripped out of me inch by inch and I won't stop it from happening because I love him and care about him too much to do anything about it. I only hope that Kevin can help....he's the one man I know I will always be able to look to for solid advice on any matter, no matter how hard it is for me to really approach him with with anything.

I thought I was over this. This stupid jealousy thing. I thought I had found that solid middle ground where I could stand tall and happy with my life. With what love he gives me. Is it wrong of me to say that everything I do I feel is worthless to him? Is it wrong of me to say that when it all comes down to it I don't think I really am all that special to him? Who am I to feel special? Who am I to give myself the idea that it's okay to feel like to one person I could be the most important thing in their life? I'm nothing, I'm just like everybody else. And he will get bored of having me around and want somebody new, someone prettier, smarter, funnier. Someone his age. He once told me he would never love again, but he now he tells me he loves me every day. So when he says he will never have a relationship ever again all I can think is he just needs time and he will find that somebody when he least expects it. Life is like that, it creeps up on you and tackles you to the ground, knocking the wind out you and you get up and realize there is no such thing as never, you learn to expect the unexpected. I just feel that my own insecurities, the ones of him tossing me aside, forgetting about me, are really what's going to cause it in the first place. They say it's often on the road of avoiding something that we meet it. So I try my best to overlook things, to cope with my insecurities and learn from this experience, but all I'm really learning is that I can't live like this. As much as I love and care about him it's killing me inside. My heart can't take it.

He asks what it is I feel so badly over and I reply because him and I have no physical relationship. Aside from holding hands, love pecks, and the occasion/rare cuddle/snuggle. We are very intimate and close for two people that don't have any sexual history (aside from three or four bj's, but that was months ago). I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate what we have, I do, I really do. The connection and bond that him and I share is beautiful and amazing. But it kills me inside when I hear him call some other girl beautiful or sexy when he hardly says it to me, or when he hits on and flirts with another girl, when all he really does is bitch, whine, complain, make fun of me, tease me, and brush me off when I try and talk to him about me feelings and emotions. I feel so unwanted sometimes, like some kind of commodity that he takes for granted. I feel like a dog on a short leash and choke chain. I feel so trapped. He has so little consideration for my feelings and needs. If he really cared he would be trying to help me when I reach out and ask for his help, instead of telling me I need to change. Does all of this make me selfish? Does needing more and wanting more than what we have together make me a greedy, undeserving, unappreciative person? That's what I'm so afraid of, I'm afraid of taking it all for granted and fucking everything up by asking for more. By pushing for what I feel I need. All I ever do is fuck up the best things in my life by pursuing happiness and I don't want to make that mistake again. Everything with me has always been black and white, it either is or isn't. It's yes or no with nothing inbetween. Maybe that is where some of what I am faced with now concerning my feelings is coming from. There is no chance of me and him ever being together, and always in the past when faced with that reality I would just up and leave without looking back. I would do the same here, have wanted to do the same here, but he's not like the others. He wants me close, he likes having me around, by his side. So if I were to just leave it would break his heart and I can't do that to him, I won't do that to him. But by sitting here and watching him pursue these other girls it hurts. Because I know eventually, inevitably he will find a girl just like he found me, and he may not forget about me or stop caring about me, but things will change. I just hate that I will have to be the one to sit here and wait for him to make that decision.

I guess for the simple reason that it stops me from having and finding what I want. It postpones me from continuing with my life. Which is selfish, I know, but it makes me so unhappy. So unbearably unhappy.

This could all be easily fixed if he would just overlook his complex of a relationship. He wants to be poly, which is fine and dandy and I would be more than happy with that, but only if him and I had a solid relationship first. I mean emotional and physical. But he refuses to have anything to do with my physically and sexually so it just makes things one huge complicated chaotic mess that I'm stuck in the middle of.