Fuck this, fuck everybody, I don't need this and they don't fucking need me. I don't even know why I try, or care, or do anything anymore. People need to go fuck themselves. Fucking self riotous pricks.... fuck you too, I'm sorry I ever called you a friend, any of you, all of you.  I'm -sorry- I can't be perfect and fit in and lie like all the rest of you! I should have never gone to you, I should have never trusted any of you. I'm done with all of this, fucking done... I hope you're all happy, sitting all high and mighty feeling good about yourselves for this. And I hope you all understand exactly what it is you've done to me...

Just how far can you push? How much can you expect from other people? Is it right to go to someone and dump all of your emotional problems at their feet and expect them to help you sort through them? How much is too much to ask? and if you can't ask someone, who can you ask? Can you go to anyone, to anything? When you feel so overwhelmed and like you have nowhere left to turn, where are we supposed to go? Naturally we turn inwards and confide within ourselves, but it never helps, it never fixes anything. It just makes things fester, and grow into grotesque monster of our own devices, our demons. The only thing we can really do is confront it all, TALK to someone, and DON'T feel bad about it. People do it to you, it is your right to do the same to them. People are afraid of each other, afraid of impeding, intruding, interrupting people's lives and too afraid to ask for help in case they look weak. It's all about image. Why? Why is the most important word we have, the most important question we can ask ourselves. Because it is the doorway to understanding, knowledge, and enlightenment.

I'm really starting to have re evaluate everything. Especially myself. Changing is something that generally happens over time, not as a conscious decision. Even if I were to decide it's exactly what I need to do (I'm still not overly convinced) where the hell would I start? How would I know what to change myself into? I've always just been focused on being me, but apparently the me I thought I was and the me everyone else sees are two very different people...It's hard, realizing you're not everything you've worked so hard to try to be and become. Does that make me a bad person? Am I just another broken cast from the mould? Everyone is so caught up with grandeur ideas of self importance and personal universes that they fail to make themselves understand that really they aren't much. Importance is irrelevant to opinion, yours or an other's. People need to pull their heads out of their asses and wake up and realize just how insignificant they are, the people around them are, hell how insignificant the world is in comparison to everything that surrounds us in our existence. So I fight with the idea of, Why change myself in order to make other people happy and like me more, in order to fit in, when in the end everything is pretty much meaningless unless I make it meaningful to myself. and even then it's only meaningful to me. I am not you, you are not me. Why do you judge me? Why do you compare yourself to me and others? What makes you better, what makes you more important? What makes any of what you do okay? What makes me so wrong? such a bad person? Who are you to be angry at me for something that everyone does, making a mistake. That's like punishing a kid for growing an inch, or smacking a dog for peeing in front of the door. Mistakes are inevitable, people grow, change, do things that are unintentional and no one seems to have any sense of understanding, of compassion, or empathy. More often than not you are mad as someone for doing something you've probably done at least once in your life, or thought about doing. It's called learning, growing, and evolving.

who in your life really matters? or rather what in your life really matters? People don't matter, things don't matter, opinions don't matter, in fact the only thing I can really think of that does matter is what you learn in life, and then what you do with what you learn. Life is one giant learning experience. People come and go, time heals and things are forgotten, everything changes, the world today was not the world yesterday and will not be the world tomorrow. So why do so many people care about trivial and mundane things? Is it because it gives them something to do, something to feel and think about? Does it give them a sense of existence, a reason to be alive? A meaning to their life? Why are people so afraid the truth? So afraid of other people, and other people's thoughts? Is it that sense, the need and desire to fit in? To be accepted and loved by all? The need to be the perfect person? Well nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, people do things unintentionally all the time. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that is all too true. I try, I really do. I try to make everyone happy, which I know you can't do, but I try anyways...and all I ever end up doing is making people mad and pushing them away or hurting them....all unintentionally. I try too hard I think, push too hard, hope too hard, Love too hard.... in the end it always, always, ends up the same. I don't even know why I'm surprised by it anymore. I guess like I said, I just hope too hard...I'm so young, such a kid, lost, don't know what to do, where to go, surrounded by people but for the most part feel exiled, pushed away, unwanted. Of course it's my fault, and I know that I've offended people, but again it was all unintentional. I have different standards than most, different views of things and I do things differently. I think that is what gets me in trouble with them most of time. they assume too much, don't really understand me, how I feel, how I react to things, then when something goes wrong because I'm doing something I thought was okay, was normal and acceptable, I get myself in trouble because I've crossed a line, broken some kind of rule or standard I was unaware of and overall just get stuck at the bottom of the heap labeled a liar, a cheat, a stupid whore etc the list goes on, again all from unintentional misunderstanding or differences of personality......*sigh, I am really that bad, fucked up, confused of a person that everyone in my life eventually, inevitably forgets about me...

Things are not going to change, I know that. Things are not going to get better, I know that. Things are steadily heading in the direction that they always have been and I'm stupid for standing in front of the train hoping it will magically shift tracks. What is it with me that in these circumstances it's always the same, it's like I refuse to be the one to give up and move on. I refuse to be the person to say no more. Does that make me a masochist? a sucker for punishment? Too hopeful, or just plain stupid? All in all I'm pretty sure I know how things are going to work from here on out, and I don't think it will end nicely. Right now things seem to be a bit overwhelming with everything, I think it's time to sort the bullshit in my life from what I want. It's not easy, really it isn't. I just hope that in the end things do end well, but I have this itching nagging feeling that all hell will break lose and I'll have to run off to far some edge of the world after it's all said and done.

Is it okay to feel trapped? To feel indebted, to feel like your forced in to some kind of servitude? To feel guilty about everything you do that they get mad about, to feel like you have to check with them before you do anything? Are these unreasonable expectations of me from someone who is just a friend? Albeit a close friend?

"Listen to me." whispers on the wind "My words will guide you and be your freedom."

Like a ghost through the trees, fading in and out of site, gliding silently along the forest floor, "Fallow me" again more whispers on wind. Like an echo across time. "Let me be your teacher, your guardian. Let me take you home." The form fades into the mist.

I want to fallow but I feel chained, stuck in place. There is a weight over my head, darkness surrounding and closing in. I look and there are no chains binding me, only those in my mind. The key to my freedom lies within. Deep, deep down where few dare venture.  Down into the foundations of your being, the roots of your soul. That is where your real freedom is found, that is where we find the key to unlocking our minds and setting ourselves free.

I should have listened sooner. "It is never too late"
You were right all along, I'm sorry. "Don't apologize for your ignorance, we all grow at our own pace"
I should have known better..."Now you do, better than before, and the more times you do it, the better you will know, don't let making mistakes ruin your life, that is a huge part of it."
I'm better than this..."You are yourself, you can't be better or worse, we all make choices that aren't always the best, but how else do we learn what the right ones really are without making a few bad ones"

"You are young little one, a child yet, as much as you hate to admit it. You will stumble, trip, fall, scrape your knees countless times, and occasionally get tired of getting back up knowing it will only happen again sooner or later. You are strong, but never fool yourself into thinking that you must always be so. There is a time and a place for everything dear one, and weakness is just a big of part of us as our strength, we are there for others in their times of weakness because others are there for us in ours. You need to understand and realize that not much in life really matters past what we learn, how we learn it, and who we meet along the path that we make on our journey through life, no one will remember you for the mistakes that you made, but for the person that you became and what you did with what you learned."

The wolves are at my door.

Last night I dreamt of many things as I always do. And like most of my dreams there was a lot of meaning behind what was occurring within my dreams. The one that stands out is always the most important one and needs to be addressed. The wolves were at my door, angry, hungry, ravenous even. There were two of them, one white, one gray. In my dreams the white wolf is almost always a symbol of myself, my inner wolf, often times there are more than one wolf. Whether they are fighting, hunting, or a pack. Anyways like so many times before when I've dreamt of the wolves chasing me, I ran, ran for home, for comfort, for safety. But it wasn't enough this time, they sat outside, snarling, pacing waiting. I would open the door they would growl and lunge, and I'd jump back inside and slam the door scared, this went on until I went in the kitchen and grabbed a knife, thinking of killing them if I had to. I opened the door, knife ready, they didn't attack, just circled, growling, snapping at my legs. That's all I can remember, and I take these dreams seriously, it's my wolf's way of speaking to me. And I think she is trying to remind me of her and her needs. Over the past seven months I haven't had the ability or freedom to let her out, to give her some of her own freedom and it is starting to really take a toll on me and I'm sure on her. She wants out, she wants to hunt, to feed, to run with a pack and be a wolf just for one night. But she doesn't have a pack anymore, there are no wolves for her to run with, to hunt with, to sleep with. She is alone and that is why she is so angry, that is why I am filled with so much hatred and despair. She needs out. But am I supposed to do? People don't understand me as it is, some know I'm weird and accept that, but if I let go, they would think I was crazy for sure (maybe I am).

She'll never forget that night, as long ago as it may be. The rain, the thunder, him and his touch. She loved him, regardless of what everyone else said and believed he loved her too. She was only 17, he was 22 but that meant nothing to her she felt he was the rest of her life, but don't we all the first time we fall in love?

She shared a part of herself with him that no one else would ever get, she trusted him with her heart and soul and in the end she payed the price that love so often costs us all.

It took her months to finally pick herself back up from the pieces he left her in, the pain, the tears, the sleepless nights she spent awake wishing, hoping he would walk through that door and hold her in his arms so tight like he used to. But she knew it wouldn't happen, deep down she knew it, but she didn't want to believe it. Her mom and dad tried so hard to console her, but no amount of love could fix her heart or fill the emptiness he left so she cried again and again until she ran out of tears to cry.

Ten years later she had graduated high school, finished college, had a husband and a little girl. She stood beside his grave with a single white rose and sat and talked like she was talking to him. "I'm sorry I never came before, I hope you can understand...I love you and always will...I miss you everyday and I think of you every time it rains." she placed the flower on the grave, "I will never forget you or the love we had" she walked away.

The moonlight washed across the forest floor, broken by the canopy. The air smelt of damp moss, earth, and blood. The trail was getting weaker, the patches of blood smaller, the scent harder to pick up. She put her nose in the air, closed her eyes and listened. Crickets sang their melody and the tree frogs their symphony. She let out a low howl from the bottom of her chest, and it rose to meet the mother moon in the sky, long and lonesome. She paused again, just standing, waiting. *crack* there, her head jolted in the direction the sound came from, she didn't move, only watched. Movement. She bolted for it. Now was not the time for stealth. She heard the animal cry out with fear, watched it stumble as it tried desperately to get away. Not this time. This was it's end. White gleaming ivory, hard and smooth, punctured the warm soft hide. A gush of hot garnet liquid rushed from the wound, swirling around the smooth white ivory and into the mouth of the beast. Flowing over it's tongue with it's warm, sweet, metallic taste. The taste of blood, the taste of life, seeped down her throat. She fed more hungrily, snapping down harder. Pushing those ivory spears of death, deeper, and deeper into the neck of of her prey.
Gargled cries of pain echoed out of the victim's throat, only to be choked out by the viscious growls of the feeding beast. She sank her long sharp claws into the body of her prey and ripped it, shredded it to pieces. She let out a long deep roar that pierced the silence of the forest and started to lap at the blood flowing like crimson rivers from the body of her prey. She continued to feed until there was nothing left of her victim, no trace of existence remained. She had crushed bone with teeth, and sliced through flesh with precise ease. With her bloodied muzzle raised high to the full moon, she let out a howl, long and triumphant. The song of the wolf.

His touch was powerful. Not mean, not rough, but strong and precise. Wrapped in an aura of pleasure, I could feel his energy, his strength and oh how it moved me. Tightly holding me, teasing me with thoughts of what could come, but distracting me from everything but his hands exploring my body, running over every curve, touching me in just the right way. His hot breath in my ear, the sound of his beating heart, and his body pushed up against mine, holding me from behind.

It was electric, magnetic, pure attraction. He was experienced and new what he was doing. Touch me here, and I move like this, caress me here and I move like that. I don't know how many times he made me melt in his arms. And now I wonder if he knew just how badly I wanted him.

Like a lick of fire upon my back the whip landed again, but I didn't flinch. I was enjoying it too much, who knew such pain could be such intense pleasure. Again, and then again harder, this time I did flinch and instead of another kiss from the whip, it was his gentle calming touch, and any sense of pain melted away. He held me tight then, kissing my neck and running his hands over my body, talking to me softly. I couldn't have asked for a better first experience.

Omigod. Wow what a night!

I have no words to describe the intensity of what I felt last night. The attraction, the magnetism, the energy. I haven't felt anything close to that since the night at Chris' with Clifford when me and him made our connection. The only thoughts running through my head the whole time were wow, oh my god, this is fucking amazing, and I couldn't help but feel like he was what I've been waiting/looking for and just as I stop looking, *poof* there he is. Does it mean anything? No, not at all. It was harmless fun that I'm sure we both needed. I received my first flogging and single tail whipping. It was everything and more than what I was hoping it would be. The thing about him that got me the most and made me melt in his arms were his big strong hands and his powerful body. The way he would hold me was intense and so comforting. He made me feel small, and safe. I couldn't have asked for a better night with a better person. Playing with him all night took so much out of me, but it was so worth it.

I don't expect to ever let Brigham know just exactly what all happened last night, mostly because he would more than likely take it the wrong way or feel extremely jealous about it all. Either way, if he did ask I would tell him, but if he doesn't than I probably won't. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person.

Now Things Change.

Last night was the turning point, the milestone of a new beginning. He has two choices, change and things get better, or stay the same and lose everything he worked so hard for. Luckily for him he's smart enough to figure that one out.

It wasn't me who proposed that he change, in fact the opposite. It was I who was set on leaving, determined that things would not change and therefor would not get any better so I was removing myself from the situation and person who was causing me so much pain and grief. It was he who said he would try, he who said he loved me and wanted to be in my life. He who said who wanted to be able to see me happy, make me happy and know I was safe, even from myself. It was him who made the proposition that I give him time to prove to me that he is not the man I think and feel he is. So I've given him his second chance. If he fucks this up, there is nothing else. Only me leaving.

It is evident today that he is trying. Wants to try and be a better person for me. All in all Brigham is a man of very little compassion for anything. He doesn't socialize, except for with me, he doesn't want to be around people because he necessarily enjoys their company, except for with me, he doesn't care about anyone, except for me. He cares for me more than he cares for himself, which for him is saying a lot, but in general not very much. People don't really understand him. I do for the most part and it saddens me that he has come to the conclusions that he has about life. I know that he is capable of far more than what he does now. He is very intelligent as far as sciency stuff goes and math. He is logical...too logical. Everything with him is logic, he has no ability to separate himself from mathematical calculations, philosophical correctness, and logical conclusion. That is where he is just simply an over educated idiot. He takes it all too far and reacts the only way he knows how. With anger. For him it's comforting, it's what is familiar. He literally has an addiction to it. He needs to separate himself from the familiar and submerse himself in the unfamiliar, everything he shuns and calls retarded, stupid, and wrong. He is so narrow minded and such a blind fool at times. Though much of this will never change, I hope maybe I can show him that it's not all so bad as he seems to think it is.

He's tried so hard to steer me away from making mistakes. From fucking up my life and making stupid choices. His intentions at times are questionable, but for the most part seemed good. Just he went about it all the wrong ways. He is over bearing, controlling, manipulative, and at times a complete and utter whiney bitch, needy, or an ass hole. He is demanding and domineering. If he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it the way he wants it it's everyone elses fault and they owe him. It's like he feels the world owes him something and that he is entitled to so much because of things he has gone through in the past. From what he says, he had it bad growing up, and not a very easy life over all. He is conditioned to this way of life and because of it holds nothing much past anger, except according to him, when it comes to me.

All in all I don't know whether to believe him or not, after what happened last night and the talk that him and I had, I want to believe him, I'm afraid to though. I guess you could say I do believe him but refuse to allow myself to get carried away by any of it. I know I love him so is it so unlikely that he in return feels the same about me?

Him and I will NEVER be more than just friends. I made that very clear to myself last night, not that I haven't felt this for a long time but I've severed any kind thought or feeling like that for him for good. The way I care about him now is the way you would care for a child. You see they blunder around and make mistakes, that they don't quite know what they are doing at times and need you there for some sort of reassurance and guidance. I have no doubts that very soon I would be able to leave and have no repercussions from doing so.

Over the next month my goals are to re establish my independence, establish his, make it very clear to him that I am in no way his, and that he only has what ever I give him when it comes to me. Things will change. One way or another, they will change. But change takes time. So we will see what kind of change occurs.