.....It's a feeling like I'm drowning...but it's the most serene feeling I think I've ever felt in my Life. I close my eyes and I'm underwater, air bubbles drifting up through the sun as it streaks across my face through the sapphire-turquoise waves above. Just floating, watching.  He's coming...He's almost here. I can feel the pressure of the water in my nose as it tries to push it's way in past the bubbles. It's like I've been waiting a lifetime for Him to arrive...but haven't I?; waited a lifetime for my heart to be captured by such a dark and powerful beast such as He....always there, in my dreams, in the shadows lurking, in my senses; always smelled Him on the winds...knew He was there, coming...and here He is...finally coming to capture me and here I sit gleefully awaiting His arrival. I can't wait to see you baby. I'm just going to go to sleep, then wake up...and you'll be here *smiles* I Love you to the moon and back.

Do what thou wilt. This is the only Law.

The more I read the more I need to know, the more I know the more questions I have and so the more I read. Will the circle ever cease, and to what end do I search? What is the answer I seek if not the Truth? and the Truth is that not something which I already know inside of me? For if I did not then why would I then seek it so fervently?...

Something stirs deep within, powerful yes, but from what origin? that I do not know...it is not wolf, and it is not man, it is divine by right and yet what is divine if not something which I could not attain without the proper Understanding of things. I do not Understand, but I know the course of which I must undertake in order to fulfill my Understanding...am I insane? Have I lost myself to Ra-Hoor-Khuit, or is he the omnipresent force that guides me and always has?  This I feel is the Truth in part, the other part I do not and can not know for certain and yet Certainty is the gift in Life bestowed by Nuit, Certainty in all things you undertake, doubt is for the weak and Because be damned, If Will should ever stop to ask why then Will be stopped. I can not linger on the whys or hows of things, I must be swift in my ascertainment before my Will be changed and I be damned to uncertainty...

Ra-Hoor-Khuit is the Golden Dawn in the East, God of War and Vengeance though ye see it hardly.  Ra is God of Gods, King of all Creation, his power bestowed upon Horus to make him Ra-Hoor-Khuit, or so that would be what makes sense, but are these things that can be made sense of or must be taken as is? Mentu would appear to be another form of Horus changing into Ra-Hoor-Khuit, or perhaps just another name, the meanings of both gods seem similar in Egyptian history, both being falcon headed gods of War and having been "touched" or "effectively changed" by Ra. I'm trying to learn, slowly, there is not a whole lot of information to rely on unfortunately.


My own Understanding of the Truth thus far as deciphered from Liber CCXX, The Book of The Law.
    Nuit also known as Nu, is the Egyptian god of the sky. She is the Universe: everything we see, we see because she allows us to see. She is the Divine the origin of all energy and the radius of Hadit, Hadit being the earth, the center of all existence of Life and Death; Hadit is the Light of Life, where our energy comes from and flows into and through Hadit we flow into Nuit for they are One and so are none, none being nothing which is everything for everything is nothing. All things are made of energy, the energy of the Universe; Nuit, even Hadit. And it is through Love, the Love we give unto Nuit through all that we do that we become a part of the whole, our energy flowing into Nuit and so into the universe becoming one with everything and flowing back into nothing. Do you Understand? This is in part the Truth of things which I have only begun to Understand.

Love is the Law, Love under Will.

Little by little, day by day, I grow more used to idea that this is Home. I look around and take it all in, every nook, cranny, curve, and line. This is it, this is mine... it's just funny because the only thing I want right now is you and you're the only thing that's missing. There is a void at his absence that cannot be filled with anything, no amount of keeping busy can tear my mind away from the fact that he isn't here. It's an emptiness not only in my heart but here in this house, for without you I cannot call it home...you are my Home, not this building; Your arms around me and the smell of you on me. Eventually I will get used to it, adjusting takes time, I know that and would be foolish to think I wouldn't have an adjustment period with all the change in my life that has been happening over the last little while. In a way it's better that he isn't here, I still find myself a little awkward around him, not really being able to be everything that is myself, that's something that will open up gradually the more time we spend with one another and he will start with glimpses of me before I get comfortable enough to fully open myself up. I guess that's the shy part of the wolf in me, the puppy part that nobody but me ever really gets to see. Playful, energetic, silly. Otherwise it's all Wisdom, and stoic elegance, or that's what I try to make others perceive, I keep my innocent weaknesses to myself mostly, and those that are truly dear and close to me. I can count on one hand the number of people who actually and truly know me for me. I trust him more than any other in this world, he is a man I can open my self up to completely and without worry or apprehension. I do not hold myself away from him, but instead slowly open myself up to him like a flower that blossoms in the warm Sunshine of Spring. Petal by petal, I will be his.

Two weeks turns out to be a lot longer than I originally perceived it to be. I can tolerate the time and space I have while he is away and I know in the future there will be times when I require it. With things being so new and fresh I find it bittersweet to have him gone away for so long, makes me not want to get a job because I feel like then the time we have together will be even less...maybe I'll try and find a job where it's flexible so I can spend the time I can with him. It's a strange feeling, not being the sole provider of a household, having a more than competent partner who loves and supports me without a second thought or holding it over my head, my subconscious out of muscle memory automatically thinks "what's the catch?" But I know there is none...just a breathe of fresh air and the feeling of freedom. Something with which I am unaccustomed to, and it is for this that I must thank you...because this I would not have were it not for your Love and kindness; this is the greatest gift of all. Thank You. 

If I stand back and analyze the current situation I now find myself immersed in, from the perspective of any but myself, I would say "You are fucking crazy!" But that is generally what other people think of me and my actions lol I don't care about the opinions of others, I can not let the perspectives of other people run my life. When I was younger I let my family rule over me, and the day that changed, is the day I began to change into what I am now, and even still I change, morph, evolve: that will never change. The direction in which I now find myself going is a direction I've always moved towards but never really found, a bearing in the darkness that has no landmarks, so instead I turned my head towards the heavens and found the constellations that now guide me. My Moon and my Stars, the Sun of my Life. He who will take me to a higher level of existence which I have always craved. The journey I now face will be long and filled with much pain of the physical kind, but nothing will make me stray, for so long as his eyes look into mine, everything else around me doesn't matter, time has no hold, what happens to my physical body is of no concern to me, so long as his gaze is upon mine, and our souls remain entwined: for so long as his soul embraces mine everything in the universe is as it should be...well for me anyways.

Do what thou wilt; do what you will; Be You and Do what you feel you need to do, what is right for you and everything else in the world will be right too. Fill your role, do your part in the great play of Life and one day you will see the grander scheme of all things, fallow your path no matter how bloody, dark and broken it is and eventually you will find your light in that deepest of darkness generally in your time of greatest despair. Do not despair: Everything will be alright.