Things are such a chaotic mess, spiraling ever down towards a crash landing against my will, pride and life. It's all my fault, all of this. If I could just give up everything and be happy with what I have, settle for this instead of having hopes, dreams, wants and desires everything would be okay. I'd be okay with this, with him. I love him so god damned much and I can't for the life of me understand why he treats me the way he does, why he can't be affectionate, loving and careing. It's like he has no heart left, no tenderness left in his soul. He is draining all the love for anything from my heart and leaving me trapped like a bird in a cage. Dreaming of open skies, the sun and the clouds, the wind upon my face and never ending freedom. Only to be locked in a box and fed only what he decides to give me and I'm supposed to love him for it.....but I do love him so much. I would leave if I had the heart the heart to leave the man who said he would never love again and yet chose to love me. How could I ever hurt him? How could I ever inflict such a thing upon any person? I know too well what it is to have your heart torn from your chest, still beating bright, and have it crushed before your very eyes by the one whom held it so dearly. How could I ever do that? I've put myself in this position, it was my desire and curiosity that got me my devotion and love that keep me here but my heart and soul that pay the price, and such a dear price that it is. To live without a person who holds you close and whispers in your ear at night how much they love you and will never let you go, that they will hold you tight until the sands of time themselves erode us away, it is torture. I need passion, I need love at it finest and won't rest until I find it. It's killing me, sitting here, stuck in a cage lick some domesticated slave animal, some pet for a man who likes the way I look, or likes having me around. I'm a being filled with a thirst and need for adventure, the unknown, wild abandon. Being stuck like this does nothing but rot my soul and stagnate my heart, threatens to take it all away. I'm beyond a point of breaking, I'm in the midst of it. And now am faced with a choice that is all too clear. Break or be broken, the sad part is I already know which I have chosen....An iron will does not bend nor break, but when touched by the fire of love and compassion, melts.

What am I feeling?

-Lost
-Worthless.
-Depressed and sad.
-Hurt.
-Rejected.
-Angry.
-Violent.
-Confused and twisted like I'm missing something or not understanding something.
-Isolated and alone.

Why am I feeling these things?

-My needs are not being met.
-I'm in a position of little to no power over myself and my life/decisions.
-The person I have entrusted myself to doesn't treat me the way I want and need to be treated.
-The person I want to get certain things from won't give them to me, but gives them to others, making me feel worthless and rejected.
-The constant stress of a dirty house, and dealing with ridiculous problems concerning money and bills.
-Having to care for a dog that I hate and don't want.

Things that could help or solve the issues/ problems and resolve the negative feelings.

-Getting more of what I need, Physical attention, Tender Love and Care, Sex, Affection, Romance, a Partner/ Relationship.
-Being in a better environment. The one I am in now feels hostile, negative, and stressful. I need to be in a place where I feel love, calm, free, no worries.
-Being in a better financial situation. Getting a job.
-Being surrounded by more of what I love and enjoy.


Having looked at everything and sorted it out, really what I need is more freedom to do what I want and need when I want. I need a job, and serious committed loving partner. Now bringing this to him won't be easy because I know he will just put down everything and tell me I'm stupid and what I'm feeling is bullshit and say that I need to pull my head out of my ass. But fuck him. This is what I want and what I am going to work towards, whether he helps me or not.