Hmmm.

Sometimes I think that he doesn't understand the entirety in which he holds my heart, it's bad though because at times I feel like I'm pushing it on him, making him feel like he has no choice but to love me. I love him so much and wish I could  share it with him more than I do. Just I think me and him have too very different ideas of how you demonstrate love. To me loving someone is holding them close and wrapping your arms around them tight, laying together in bed talking and laughing, bodies embraced. It's about the bond between two souls, basking in the radiance of each others hearts and energy. With him I don't know what he feels. Sometimes I wonder if he means what he says, the ways he shows his affection are so foreign to me I often don't know whether to be insulted or laugh it off and hope he doesn't do it again. Rarely if ever does he hold me, he says I love you but then "playfully" or "Lovingly" as he calls it, slaps me, pinches me, punches me, or makes fun of me. I can't remember the last time he really kissed me and meant it, or did anything that had any kind of passion behind it. Maybe he is just incapable of it. I really don't know. But it all confuses me and makes me wonder. There is nothing I want more than for him to just grab me and hold me, lovingly hold me tight and just reassure me that everything is going to be okay. To tell me that he loves me and then kiss me like he means it...but I guess that's almost like a dream, it would never happen in reality and to expect it to ever happen would only be hurting myself, which I think I spend most of my time doing these days anyways, with thoughts of love and romance, passion and desire. It feels like my heart is dieing and I don't know what to do. Deep down my instinct is to run, run far away, but my heart won't let me leave, I love him too much....god damnit I love him too much, I just wish he could see it.

A light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

Things got better today. I pulled my head out of my ass and decided to start doing things for me and no body else. It seemed to cheer me up a whole lot. Though I still seem to be plagued with these nagging feelings of wanting a relationship only to be pulled down to Earth because I love him and don't want anything to get between us. But it's just so hard when he doesn't give me everything I need emotionally and physically. I just wish things could be better between us. I mean things are great don't get me wrong, spectacular if you consider how intimate we are and we don't have sex and never have. The last time anything even remotely sexual happened between us was four months ago. I don't want to say that he needs to give me more, that's retarded. I'm not entitled to anything, and to say I am would be selfish and stupid. Just sometimes it's easier to have nothing at all instead of only a little here and a little there, if you know what I mean. It's nice, and I love him, but I feel like I need more. I feel unhappy and to say it's because of him would be wrong, it's not his fault. Maybe I'm just not appreciative enough, or maybe I'm just a greedy selfish bitch, I don't know, I really don't. All I know is how I feel right now and it's not much past loneliness and heartbroken. I try to be happy, try to get myself on my feet and independent but then he comes along and treats me really well, puts a smile on my face and leaves me begging for more, only to turn me away and say sorry, so I'm back where I started on my knees lost and confused. Maybe I'm just too young to understand, or maybe I'm just too inexperienced, but whatever it is I just wish I knew how to make things better. I just wish I knew how to be happy without having the things I feel I need. The only reason I stay, the only reason I do try and make myself happy here is because I love him and I want to be able to be here for him. I love him and in ways he makes me so happy, just in other ways I feel so unfulfilled and I think that is the root of my problem. I want him to be the one to fill those holes but I know he will never be that person, and only because he himself has made it clear. So I am fighting hard inside myself to find a way to keep things the way they are between me and him while finding ways to fulfill those parts of me without changing his and mine relationship and without over complicating things anywhere else. What do I do? I ask, what can I do?