It's like a game where you're doing good, you think you've finally beaten it and than BAM!, it's reset back to start, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

Two days ago, I was sure it was over, we had a huge fight, he said he was done (not the first time he's said that) but for sure this time he was done caring, done trying, just done. So I asked him if this was his final choice, if he meant it, his response. I meant what I said, that is my answer. So I took it for over, I had a bath,  packed my clothes and things and was laying in bed sobbing about how much I would miss him, How I would never ever be able to trust anyone ever again when it came to matters of the heart and soul, about how much he meant to me, and I Belial asked, Is this not what you wished for child? To be free once again, and sobbing I answered a resolute No, this is not what I want, I just want him back.

The hurt was so bad I was racked with shaking sobs of an empty heart, a torn up soul. I felt the comfort of the dark slip around me with it's cool intensity and then he walked in the room and lay down beside me, taking me in his arms and loving the pain away. And that is how I know he is mine and I am his, he said he felt me, he felt the pain and he couldn't ignore it. I was his he said, and he couldn't ever stand to lose me. We agreed to try hard to make things better, help care for each other and talk, confide in one another. But that is something I have always had trouble with, How can I talk to a biased person?

Good God why does it always seem this is the only place in the world I can speak freely the things of my mind with no consequence...Why do all good things turn bad? Why does it seem the negative always outweighs the positive? Why? Why!? WHY!!?  *Aargghhh*

It's like an exact replica of what happened the last time. Like he's a fucking clone. How did this happen? He used to never be like this and now all he does is act exactly how "he" used to act. All of the things he does now are the same things that made me leave "him". Are all men the same? Do they all have a power complex and need to control? Need to be right? Have to be the superior always and have no exceptions to anything? Am I such a bad, wrong, lost, incorrect and incoherent individual to reality? I just can not understand why we must always fight simply because he cannot cope with just simply letting things be as they will be. Something is always wrong, there is always a complaint, always a negative comment, always something wrong and I'm sick to death with it. But I cannot leave, how could I? Wouldn't that make me a liar? Someone with no values or morals? As determined as I am for things to work out, maybe they just simply cannot. He will not budge, no it is always I who is at fault and therefore it is always I who must be the one to move, change, fix things. I have worked my soul to the edge of essence for this relationship and where have I ended up but worse off then we've ever been. He doesn't understand me, cannot understand me, refuses to try to see my point of view because to him I'm always wrong or scewed and it is so god damn frustrating some days I just want to be someplace far away from him. he says he loves me, he wants things to work, he can't live without me, but I just need to sit down, shut up and listen. Accept that your wrong he says, accept that I know more than you he says, accept that I am the superior and all will be well. But how can I accept when I feel it is not true? Am I wrong? Do I need to change evermore? What is to become of what's left of "Me" if I do?  will I die a slow painful spiritual death, my soul rotting in torment? Or will things get better? how big of a risk is too much? How much change is too much change? Who could I even ask for sound unbiased true solid advice....in a world full of people I find myself cut off from everything I once knew. He is all I have, and what do you do when the one person you love, and trust cannot be trusted anymore?

Everything he says to me just sound like bullshit. Hypocritical nonsense and complaining jibber jabber. It's annoying really and frustrating that we have a complete and utter lack of communication. We have tried everything to fix but it cannot be fixed. This is a situation where both people must change but only one is even willing to consider it. An answer is clear, but it's not one I will accept yet. Will I ever? I don't know.

They say the one you love is the one who is supposed to help you when you've been flayed, layed open to the world, bared to the harsh realities. But what do you do when the one person you love is the one flaying you? who do you turn to then? Who can you trust if you cannot trust yourself?

I can already forsee how things will play out if the end is to come. I'll have to be the one to pack my things and leave and of course I will have left because I cannot accept that he is right and I am wrong and I am a child who needs to grow up. If I leave he will tell everyone how much of a stupid, thoughtless, zombie I am and how ignorant to life I am and that all I ever did was frustrate him, lie, try to be someone I'm not and that I'm just a horrible person who he cannot stand and the very thought of me infuriates him. Oh I know the things he will say and to whom and I know I will be blamed for everything and in the end he will play it off like he's better off without me anyways. *sigh* Why are people so predictable? Why do people have to be like this?...I won't leave, not yet. He still has time to help me fix things if he decides it's what he wants to do. Without a job he can't support himself, I've been supporting the both of us for almost over a month now and I wouldn't leave him in a situation like this. But I feel there is no appreciation, no thanks, is a relationship meant to be so thankless? I work hard everyday to give us the best we can have and he asks me, "Why don't you try harder to make things better? why don't you put some energy into trying to improve us or your life instead of just sitting around being lazy all the time. and he wonders why I get pissed off and then a fight ensues. I can't remember a time when he made me feel all warm and fuzzy anymore, all I ever get is hyper tension and anxiety now.

It's times like these where I find myself in the biggest predicaments and how do I tell who's right or who's wrong or what the hell I'm supposed to do. I always just do the best I can do to make the best decisions possible for myself and him, though it seems that all I'm ever met with is criticism, negativity, attitude or complete hostile aggression.  I feel like shit all of the time, does he try to help no, in fact he makes it worse usually and then comes up with some fucked up notion as to why it's always my fault for doing nothing. what can I do? The only answer I have is to LEAVE YOU! and what kind of an answer is that?... I can't do it. I simply cannot bring myself to do it. so does this mean I'm trapped in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship?  

A piece of my heart has been ripped from my chest and taken by a girl I will always love and will never ever forget. There was a time when she meant the world to me, I'd give up anything for her and she would do the same. Things have just come to the point where it's necessary for the both of us to part ways and I can't help but wonder how things would be if it was her I planned spending the rest of my life with and not the way I have things planned out now. I hurt bad, really bad. I know it will smooth over with time but for the time being I may as well have lost the second most important thing in my life, all because to me he is worth it. It's not that she isn't, or that I don't care about her. That's not true at all. My heart aches like it always does when somebody I love must leave my life. I'm over joyed that things ended on a peaceful, loving, nurturing, happy note. All sad emotion set aside. There was a time when we would look at each other and smile and tell each other "You're the one thing in my life that I know will always be there." and it hurts so much to leave that  behind. I can only hope that the trust I have in the both of us, me and Steve, that this is the right decision, that this is really how things have to be in order to be happy. If I didn't feel it right down to the very foundations of my soul that he was the one for me, when he asked me to never see her again, I would have looked him the face, got up and left. It hurts knowing that the person who means the most to me is the one who pushed me away from her, and I feel like a horrible person for not having the strength to look at him and give him the ultimatum...I feel like in a way I've let her down, let her trust for me down, and unintentionally unconsciously told her she isn't good enough or important enough. Neither of which are true. We called one another soul mate, we share a deep connection that I never ever wanted to ever break or give up, and now that I have I know I can't go back...I mean I could, but is she hurt? Does she hurt like I hurt, or does she in some small way feel like I've betrayed her, spat in her face and told her she's not important enough after all we've been through together. I really hope that isn't the case...There will never be a person to replace her, how could there be? That piece of my heart that she holds will always belong to her and only her, and for as long as she is gone, so to will that piece of my heart be gone.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won if he’d stuck it out.
Don’t give up, though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are -
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit -
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.

Unconditional Self Love is taking the time to take care of yourself.
This means taking the time to groom, to eat healthy, exercise regularly and making sure all of your needs are being met.

Unconditional Self Love is Promoting Self Happiness.
This means honestly, and lovingly complimenting yourself, being able to compliment others without sarcasm or envy, allowing yourself the time for things you enjoy.

Unconditional Self Love is Acceptance of all that you are.
This means no lusting after or envying others for their physical appearances or looking in the mirror and thinking mean things about yourself. Love yourself as you would love the lover of your dreams, worship your body like a temple.

It is not we who Love but instead Love that loves through us and into the souls of each and every one of us, but  in order to allow Love to love through us, we must first learn to Love ourselves unconditionally, wholly, and completely. Only then can Love have a clear and fortified path and only then can we spread the light of Love into a world full of darkness.

A Love note.

There are things that cross my mind from time to time that I never bring to your attention because I fear that my thoughts will plant seeds of doubt in your thoughts and those seeds would grow to poison our love for one another. Or perhaps it is that very same fear I avoid that will grow to poison our love, I do not know.

I do know that when it comes to your heart I must tread lightly for fear of breaking it in some unknown fashion, especially when others are involved and so I just constituted myself to have minimal relations with any other person be they male or female because to me maintaining what I have with you is what is most important in this life. You will always come first and foremost above all else in my world...always. What I hope you understand is when you met me I was in a place that changed me into the person you met, and since you've met me have changed because of your good influences and love, but there are still pieces of the person I once was floating about in my mind and from time to time I mourn the passing of what used to be, I start to miss how things were. Honestly, some days yes I miss all the attention from all the people and all the energy and the constant of being wanted, but I miss it for all the wrong reasons and so I know it's not right or what I want. You are what I want, a life with you is all I've ever dreamed about, being able to make one man who completes me happy, proud to be my Master and above all else revel in each others love and affections of one another. To me there is no thing greater in the universe than your love for me and the way you make my soul tingle every time I think of you.

What crosses my mind the most is all of the things I know I will never be able to experience now because I have promised and devoted my life to being yours and spending the rest of my life with you. No I'm not mad, upset, rethinking things, or sad about the fact, but it doesn't stop it from crossing my mind as I'm sure it's probably crossed yours.

The whole reason I'm writing this and telling you all of this is because I came to the realization that there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to talk to you like you are my very closest friend, because you are my closest friend and the person who means the most to me, so if I can't talk things over with you then who can I talk to? I think I've finally learned how to open up and try to communicate. I want us to be able to talk about anything with each other and not get upset at one another for having certain thoughts, everybody thinks and not all the thoughts we have are good thoughts, I want to be able to share everything with you and hope that you can share everything with me (not that I think that you don't already) but what I'm trying to say is I don't want us holding back from each other for fears that either of us would react negatively towards one another for a particular reason.

I am no longer afraid that you will one day leave me. I trust you completely and have no doubts about you or us or our future together. I've found a way to keep my two feet firmly planted on the ground and will be spending less time in outer space in the future to come, I promise. I may be clumsy, silly, have a lack of seriousness at times and seem aloof to much that goes on around me but that's all because when I'm around you, you consume me entirely. My thoughts, my heart, my soul, they are all so focused on you I get disoriented at times. I'm teaching myself how to focus on the things that require my attention at a given time so as not to frustrate you so much with my puppy dog attitude I get at times, especially when I get careless. Carelessness is soon to be a thing of the past, if you do not care about something then how can you hope to learn about it, change it, grow from it, or even most past it. Caring is a necessity of life, one I have long ignored.

I feel that a time of great change is upon us both, but with this comes the winds of endless opportunity. Now is the time when we decide which way our future falls. and together with you I know we can make a bright and successful future for us both, together we our strong and united we shall never fall. My Love for you is as endless as the tides of the universe and nothing could ever sway me.

Remind me

Remind me in twenty years what it feels like to want to be older.
Remind me in two years the lessons that I am learning now are what made the difference.
Remind me now that Love IS enough.
Promise me in fifty years things will still be the same,
  The way you look at me
     The way you hold me
        The way you see me.
Remind me that there is never really an end to anything, just one long cycle of things.
Remind me to tell myself You are beautiful each morning when I wake up.
Remind me that the gift of all things is in the palm of your hand.

It all seems so strange that something that is so completely overwhelmingly obvious to me is so obscure in the minds of those around me. I have never had a harder time trying to find a similar thought pattern in people. Common sense is not so common because what is common is always changing. Trying to stay adaptable in these times is difficult; Trying to stay up to date on the latest and greatest a full time life absorbing task. People need to learn how to focus on the truly important aspects in life rather than the things that they are told and expected to focus on. Humanity needs to focus on refinement rather than luxury. Why must things have an insistent need to always be better? Why is it that this life is better than the one we had one hundred years ago? better than the life that existed a thousand years ago?  Is there not always Love, faith, happiness, desire, sadness, insanity, anger, hate, rage, deceit, loss, birth, growth, change? So why should the setting for these to occur really matter? Why destroy something that does not need to be destroyed for the sake of your insistent need to always have more, better things. Because comfort is a necessity? Because luxury is a sign of power? To whom, not I. Respectability has to do with the quality of a man not the quality of his existence and respectable people are becoming harder and harder to come by these days.

Material gain is what drives about 80 percent of the people in modernized society.
Survival is what drives 90 percent of the people in third world society.
Technology is what runs 98 of a modernized society
Instinct is what runs 98 percent of a third world society.

The wealthiest people in the world to me would be the monks and all the people who fallow the same basic guidelines to life. They are the ones capable of really comprehending what life truly is and what it's truly about and it is through their deep understanding and connections that they are able to tap into the energy well that is  made up of all, is nothing, and yet remains everything.

A mobieus strip is good clear image of what the universe essentially is and how it works, everything being connected and leading back into its self no matter how long the chain or strip may be, for it stretches as far as the universe and yet somewhere it connects back to itself just as it connects back to you.

"Okay Dani, I need you to sit down and have good hard serious conversation with yourself. Don't say I don't know, do not feel defeated, do not feel as if any path you want is closed and above all else do not doubt that you are capable of achieving great things in this life. This is your crossroads, this is where you choose the path that you walk for the remainder of your life, or at least until you reach the next crossroads. So what will it be? you are strong, you are young, smart, beautiful, healthy and whole. Do not squander the gifts you have been given by the universe. So I ask again, What will it be? Choose your path now."

Can I choose my path? Or will I meet defeat round every bend, come to a wall every time I turn around. It seems that's how it's always been and yet here I still am. I will not quit until I am dead. I am stubborn like that. I will not give up while a breath still lies in my chest and my heart beats it's rhythmic beat. I am bound for things I still yet do not understand and yet I know it's true, I've received the signs I've asked for every time, the last being the strongest most reassuring yet. I am on the right path but still here I am and I must choose. Do I continue my current path and pursue my greatness at whatever the cost may be? Perhaps even that of my own life? Or do I pursue a more mundane path, boring, frustrating but safe?....I doubt I could tolerate it for very long. Danger is something I love and yet have a distaste towards, in a way it almost lets me know what I am doing will incur some kind of change. What kind is hard to assume. Will it be the change I hope for, work towards and dream will one day happen? Or will the mundane atrocities of human life wash it all away like the tides on a beach?

"Trust in your mother ... trust in your true mother."

From this day forth I am no man's slave, I am a warrior
From this day forth I breath life, not chaos
From this day forth wherever my steps may lead is where I go, I fallow no man's path
Today there has been a great death amongst the spirits of old and upon us a gift bestowed by the passing. Let the energy flow back into all, feel it course through the veins of the universe and into thine very own hearts and through it feel all else who would do so to. Become one with the universe and let it flow through you into all you do.

A gift given to me so I may never lose myself again; a key back to reality from whatever far reaches of my mind I may wonder into. It seems so simple as I say it over and over and over again in mind, my mind's tongue feeling out every curve of every letter and there it is a tingling sensation like licking a battery, a surging energy that's a sensation to the soul and I know it's full of power, much more than I know I understand and so I keep it hidden deep where only I dare venture to find it for who would be mad enough to follow me into that deep descending darkness that dares grip your heart, mind and soul tighter with every lingering step...who I ask?...you? And then there was a feeling like falling off the edge of the world.

Ramblings of a mad woman.

We are born believing we can change the world, that anything is possible and that we can be anything we imagine we want to be. As we get older and we learn more and more about the world around us, not just what we see everyday, on television, here about on the radio and read about in books, but also what we learn ourselves through personal adventure and experience, what we see within the boundaries of our own lives and perhaps through the eyes of those we take the time to see through and it's through these means that we slowly lose hope for change, slowly stop believing anything is possible and start believing we are hopelessly lost to a fate that is not of our own design and stuck in a world where things will never change, that one individual will never make a difference and this is when we learn our complacency to corporate slavery and mundane society life. Why stop believing that change is possible, that you can be the catalyst for a better brighter future of your design and a life worth living? Do not let the sands of human society erode your inner strength and spirit. Instead of stone, be like water. Flowing, adaptable, strong yet gentle, life giving.

Dark Tidings

Things are great, for the most part. I'm happy with him, except lately there's been a lot of tension. There's something wrong with my memory and to be honest it scares me. He tells me that he's told me something and I say No you didn't because I don't remember and then it gets into this argument where he gets frustrated and then I get frustrated and it's just not good. I don't know what's wrong with me, the only thing I can think of is the marijuanna. Does it cause memory loss?...apparently it does and it's normal in people who toke everyday...lol who would have guessed...wow I need to stop smoking so much pot :/  

Other than that tension things are mostly good, I get the occasional "talking to" for doing something wrong and that brings me down hard sometimes but that\s my own fault for taking it the wrong way or so harshly. Yesterday he brought it to my attention that I need to start communicating with him better or things are just going to crash and burn. But how do I communicate with him? I've never been good at this kind of thing...Writing notes is pretty much the only thing I have and to me it just seems so childish that that is the way I have to communicate to my partner. Why am I so complex, different and strange? Why do things always have to be so different with me? It frustrates me that I can't function "normally" My therapist couldn't help, my doctor doesn't help, steve just gets frustrated with me...what do I do but hide? Maybe I was just meant to be alone, there doesn't seem to be anyone who can tolerate being around me for long, and that's just with me being me....and if I can't be me then who am I supposed to be?

I miss school, learning, teaching, understanding. I miss haveing constant cerebrel growth, my brain feels so stagnant, so mushy....I need to learn, it's just who I am and this constant nagging depression bullshit won't dissapear until I start doing what I want to do again. I was never happier than when I had the freedom of choice to do what I wanted when I wanted. When I had the access and resources, the people and options to do just about anything I wanted. Once you have that nothing ever seems the same without it. But now nothing would ever be the same without him....that's where I am stuck. You can't have everything you want and now I am faced with a choice. Do I want him more, or do I want that other life more? Is he worth the risk? Is the possibility of having things fail worth the time and the pain that could come with it? I hope so because if not then I'll be one angry, hurt, bitter, mean person, and I'm positive that if things don't work with him that they will never work with anybody. But that wouldn't be his fault, just my own decision.