Why is it sometimes I feel so alone? Surrounded by people, who "care" about me, who are my "friends" and "love" me....I'm so skeptical of people and I don't know why. Am I so afraid of being hurt? used? lied to?. Why can't I let myself find someone to trust inside and out?...oh yea because if I did then I'd have to be madly in love with them and want to spend the rest of my life with them. I don't understand myself most days. Why I feel the way I do, why I do the things I do. Most days I don't try to understand and just -do- without thinking. That's probably what got me into this mess to begin with. It'd be nice to have that friend, like the one you had when you were in grade seven. That you talked to everyday, spent everyday with, passed notes in class and hung out after school doing stupid stuff and shared everything with. When you're so young you don't have to worry about things like your "friends" using you, getting mad at you over stupid things like boys, and relationships, and life. Things don't get easier as you get older, life gets harder and harder and harder as you go along. Until eventually it hits you so hard you die.

I miss having a family, a home with mom, dad, and my brothers.... Going to see my mom is like a chore, seeing my father makes me cry when I leave because I see just how bad things have gotten with him. I never get to talk to my brothers, they are all so busy with life, their families, work. I feel so alone, so useless. I'm only 18 and yet I'm in such a rush to do everything, go to school, get a job, get married, and I wonder, why? Part of me says it's because I need to feel some sense of accomplishment like I'm doing something important with my life, I want to make my family proud of me and do something that lets me face them with pride instead of shame. I think I want to do it so fast so my dad can see his little girl graduate college, go to university or law school and be something successful. I want him to be able to meet my boyfriends and tell me what he thinks, approve of my fiance and be there when I get married....but the truth is, he won't be, and I know that.

When my brother was my age he was spending his life as a body guard for a drug dealer, partying and doing drugs everyday, stealing money from people to pay for his addictions. He was a dog on a leash and going nowhere. He dropped out of high school when he was in grade 11 and still hasn't gone back. But now he is 22 has a full time job as the highest payed worker where he works, lives with the woman he loves and is happy as ever. My parents are proud of him for cleaning up his act and making something of himself, and in comparison I feel like a bum. Sure I moved out when I was 17 after graduating from high school, I lived with my Aunt and Uncle all summer, eventually got a  job and payed rent, bought my own groceries and everything, I was rather proud of myself, and on top of it all I met a man and fell in love with him. But I threw it all away... I tell everyone my Aunt kicked me out, but the truth of the matter was I got sick of living there, hated my job, and wanted out. So I quit my job and moved out practically over night. I left a full time job, my own basement apartment, and an amazing man, all because I decided I'd be happier if I left....am I happy now? Living on welfare, in a crappy little farm house in the middle of nowhere, a hundred miles from home, living with a douche bag asshole? No I'm not happy. Is it any better? No. Do I regret doing it?...no..

As much as it was a fucking dumb idea, and stupid of me to do, I'm glad I did. I may not be happier, I may not be in better position in life, but I've learned a lot. Met lots of new and wonderful people and had lots of great times and experiences. I'm 18 and I need to remember that. My dad always used to tell me "Dan, you need to -slow- down." , "Don't get your shirt in a knot." and "Don't get your buggy in front of the horse.".....maybe I should listen to him for once in my life.

So I've discovered he does care more than I initially thought, but it doesn't change much if anything.

My life. What do I want? To be happy. What would make you happy? A full time job I loved, and being surrounded by the people I cared the most about. Schooling really is my only option. My only way out. Sure it's scary, moving away from everything I know and am familiar with but it will be like a big breath of fresh air. New people, new surroundings, new adventures. New, is what I need right now. My life has hit a stalemate, I'm basically sitting here stagnating in a pond of bullshit, drama and negativity.  The seasons have changed and with them so to have I. Change is inevitable, and a necessary part of life. It's not always easy, but life's not meant to be easy.

Mixed feelings.

I'm not attached to him, but, I do like him. Just simply being around him. Is that bad? It's nice having that sense of security, that sense of friendship, but I think I may have had the wrong impression of how things would be. I'm always worried, because he doesn't talk to me, that I've done something wrong, that he doesn't like me...I don't push him, I send him a message, he replies or he doesn't. If he doesn't I just drop it and don't talk to him for a few more days, or try and wait until he sends me a message. I think the reason I have such mixed feelings over this is because it's the first time I've done anything with someone I've had interest in but at the same time am not looking at getting into a relationship with. Maybe I should just drop it? Stop worrying about it, him, how he feels, what he thinks etc, and move on.

To be honest though, if I were in his position I'd probably do the same thing. I'm sure he has so many girls occupying his time that not having me to worry about would be a relief. Lets be realistic, if he were interested in me, even as a friend, or cared even a little, he would talk to me. Check in and see how things are going, or maybe that's just not the kind of guy he is, or maybe he just has so much stuff going on in his life that he doesn't have time to care. So now I have to ask myself, is this what I want? Do I want this in my life? Is he what's best for me right now?...The answer is I don't know. In a way he has a positive effect on me, he gives me something else to focus on for a short time. Having another guy around makes me see just how much I don't want to be here and want out away from this crazed madness I live in. But I have nowhere to go, nowhere that would be better than here...

The negative effects are well, of course the drops when he is gone, won't talk to me, the worrying etc but it's normal or so I presume so I find things to take my mind off of it, try and push him out of my head. It's seems to work for the most part. I think a lot of it has to do with me having nothing to do all day, being bored and doing nothing but thinking, usually going over the same thoughts again and again. I need a job, something to keep me too busy to worry about stupid little things like men, sex, and people drama.

If I had a job I could make some money, save up and get the fuck out of dodge. If I could go anywhere I'd go north. Sault Ste. Marie, maybe further. Perhaps I'd go south to the U.S, or hop on a plane and see the other side of the world. See when I think about things, my future, the rest of my life, none of what is happening now really matters. He won't exist in my life for very long, if he does then I'd be surprised. So I wonder...why do I worry so much? It must be that whole self image thing, my low self esteem coming up with all these horrible reasons as to why he wouldn't want to talk to me or see me again. *sigh.

At this point having a partner or anything to do with a relationship, sex, intimacy, all that crap just seems to rub me the wrong way and doesn't interest me in the least. I want to be alone, I want people to stop looking at me as something they can fuck and have fun with, and start seeing me as a person. But I guess before that can happen, I have to see myself that way. I'm thinking it's time I remove myself from the community until I get myself sorted out. It seems like the best plan to me.