I'm really starting to get sick of the emotional roller coaster that goes on inside of my head. I'm happy, I'm fine things are going good and then I'm sad, upset, confused, depressed. It's the feeling of being alone, the lack of communication, the lack of companionship. There's always been so much about myself I have never been able to quite understand, the "crazy" in me I try to reason away and calm myself away from and I thought that maybe in time I would grow out of it or find a way to move past it. I was so sure the right person would be able to help me get rid of this, this mess inside of me and I'm beginning to realize the only person who will ever be able to fix me is me, but how do I fix what I do not perceive as broken? Just unfulfilled...

Will I ever be good enough for myself? I feel like no, I'll never live up to everything I expect from me and that to me says I need to throw all my stupid expectations out the window and stop trying to be things that I think I should be and just start being the things that I am...but what is that exactly? I've always had identity issues, problems coming to terms with myself and I'm not sure why. I guess everybody has this image in their mind of who they want to be, who they wish they could be and never really stop to look inside and realize who they really are...the problem with me is I've looked so deep inside of myself and every time I do what I find repulses me and pushes me away, makes me want to push myself to be what I want to be rather than what I really am. It's been so long since I've dropped my walls to myself and looked inside, it's like I keep myself protected from certain parts of me for fear of the corruption spreading. Finding my balance has always been the goal in front of me and it is not an easy one to achieve that's for sure. Every time I'm faced with this issue I'd rather bury it again then face it...I cannot face it alone, it frightens me in truth and yet it is by myself I must turn inwards and face myself in order to find myself, my whole self...whoever that may be. One of the greatest gifts of Life, and one of the greatest curses is that of Change. It's never scared me, there is the good and there is the bad, and I've always taken it all in stride even if at the time I felt like my world was falling apart and I'd wish to die with all my strength. You just keep breathing and you get through it, that is one of the glories of life; if you are strong enough to adapt to the change you will survive but how the change affects you is all in how you let it. You can use it to make you stronger, or it can leave you scarred and weak, it can even make you happier than you've ever been or it can leave you wishing you had never lived. Change has affected me in many ways throughout the short amount of time I have lived in this life time some of it making me stronger, some of it leaving me weak, but always I come out on the other side one way or another. So why is that now when I am faced with the prospect of being able to change my life undoubtedly for the better by looking inside to find the change necessary in order to allow my true self to be free that I cower in the corner begging for the darkness to take me away so I can forget it all again. Why is it that when faced with the demon inside of me I would rather turn tail and run, run to the drugs, to the alcohol, to the lies and fantasy rather than meet her with a warm embrace?

When immersed in the Light of Life I beg and cry for the Darkness, and when I'm in that deepest of Darkness where I begged to go I scream and pray for the Light. I cannot be in one or the other, but I must be in both, that is the balance I require but have never truly understood. How can you be light and dark? How can you not pick either and live both? How do you walk the finest of lines and not fall to either side....it just seems so impossible. It's always been a constant battle, a constant pull from either side like being torn apart by two wolves inside, but you cannot feed one without starving the other and when one starves for too long the hunger grows too strong to ignore and so the cycle begins again. How do you feed both and keep both happy? Is that even possible....I don't know, I have tried, god have I tried and always it ends up the same way, failed. I'm sick of this war inside of myself, I'm sick of fighting for my sanity and my humanity and whatever the fuck else it is that lies within me, it's times like this where it gets real bad I just want to shoot myself and stop it all, get away from it for good. It's the days where I wish, pray, beg for death that remind me what it is to really be alive... Life is pain, Life is suffering and I think a good measure of how well you lived your life can be found in how long and how hard you have suffered through it, how much pain you endured and lived through it, that is what shows you how strong you really are.


Sometimes it doesn't last long, a few hours, a day maybe two. Other times it's weeks, a month, months. How long I wander from my right path varies, how long it takes me to find my way again depends on so much. it was years ago I made my choice when faced with the option to choose between a "normal", "happy", ignorant life of a human or the long, dark, broken, path that few dare to attempt to navigate through. I didn't even have to think about which I'd choose, and every day I am reminded of which path I took for my life from that moment has been nothing but a lot of stumbling through an endless darkness along a broken and seemingly endless road...alone, blind, and sometimes scared. There are things in that darkness you cannot avoid, and there are things you find that you cannot run away from. and it is here at this point in my journey that the path has been lost to me and I find myself stumbling through the inky blackness trying to find my way again, crawling on my hands and knees feeling for the direction and find none, and it is times such as these that I have no other option but turn inward and find the answers I seek and hope to hell I can find what it is I am looking for or else I could very well be lost in this endless dark sea of broken hearts and lost dreams.

It is time for me to man up and face the demon inside of me.

I've been missing Zeus a lot again lately...can't get him out of my head...why is it every time I think I'm over the separation it just comes back to haunt me again? I don't miss Stephen, I do think about him from time to time though, the good times and the bad, but there was so much bad I can't feel anything but glad that it's all over and I'll never have to see him again. But when it comes to Zeus I can't seem to get over him and  don't know if it's just because I was so attached or if I just miss having a dog but whatever it is it creeps up slowly when I'm not paying attention and bites me hard...I still cry when I think about him and how he will never be mine again, I still get upset when I see a picture of him. I know it's selfish of me to feel this way, to be sad simply because he no longer belongs to me, but all I can keep thinking of is how great of a dog he is, how smart and well trained and extremely well behaved he is, how he was everything I had ever wanted in a dog, he was mine....and now I miss him everyday and I feel like I made a huge mistake giving him up the way I did.  I know he's well taken care of and that Steve loved that dog more than he ever loved me...but it doesn't stop the pain I feel or the emptiness I'm experiencing with his absence, this isn't an easy situation for me and I can't seem to just move on and get over it. I'm not sure what to do, I'm just stuck dealing with it, and this now empty spot I have where it hurts.

I'm still not feeling very good, being sick for the last week has taken a lot out of me and even though I'm starting to get better physically, emotionally I feel like a wreck. I'm not sure why but I'm feeling depressed. There is this sadness and this emptiness I can only acredit to the fact that I'm missing Zeus and maybe because I am missing Shawn so much. or maybe I'm missing them both because I'm seeking a source of comfort, and neither of which are available...that makes me sad. I'm feeling quite lonely even though I've just got back from a wonderful visit with a friend, I seek companionship and that isn't to be found anywhere.
I have this lack of energy and ambition due to this feeling of depression and it's causing me to spend more time thinking and being stuck in my head than I should. I keep thinking of the future and what that tarot reading meant an I can't decide if it was boding good or bad.

I guess you could say that most of my hesitation comes from fear...fear of the unknown. what might be and what will be. It's pointless to be afraid...I know that but it doesn't make it go away. What difference does it make to wait a year? I really don't know. The time with him to just be will be nice, to grow and see how things develop between him and me, that will be interesting. A year's worth of time to sit on this and really mull it over...I'm not sure that anything will change in regards to that though, it's still a choice that although I feel very sure of, am intimidated by. I'm not an individual who is easily intimated by anything be it person or action. But this decision I'm faced with is probably the hardest I've faced in my life. My biggest fear probably being that once I'm immersed in the training, caged up, tied up, locked up with the key thrown away...when I can no longer fight will I run away? Will the parts of me that fear dieing the most be the parts of me that push me away from you and tell me to run?...will I learn to hate you for the things you choose to do me?....I don't want to hate you, I do want to be afraid of you if only a little, but I do not wish to hate you. In the past it has been the feeling of being locked in a cage, the feeling of being wanted to be controlled that always makes me react negatively, pushes me away, makes me want to run far away and never go back. It's always been the feeling of being like a bird stuck in a cage that's always forced me away from the one's I've loved....I don't want that to happen with you....I don't want to be taken and locked away and broken...and yet there is this part of me, this stupid ignorant curiosity that insists I be just that, I whispers to me it's needs of being broken, of being locked in a cage and forced to stay through all the rage and all the hate and at the end of it all when that door is open...I'll choose to stay...but will I? I don't know what to expect or what to feel or know how things will change and that's what makes me so uncertain. All that I know is how I've reacted to things in the past, what I feel, what I think I want and what I think is best and right now is it just my unrelenting need to please him that pushes me to do things I wouldn't otherwise choose for myself? Is this what I want? Or do I want this because it is what he wants and I just want to push myself to make him happy? Is it me inside making these choices and these decisions or is it his force inside of me which drives and pushes me towards this?      If I cannot be what he wants or needs me to be...where would that put us in terms of a relationship or in the future?   I do not want to make a decision that I feel isn't mine. I do not wish to do something for the sole sake of it being what he wishes of me, that won't make me happy, and I could not bear living a life as a creature of his design, looking in the mirror knowing that what I see is not me and that there within lies nothing that used to be. And even if there are parts of me that never change, pieces of me that stay how they should, how will I ever be able to look at myself and know what's real and what's just made up? What is me and what is the girl he's made me to be?     I'm afraid of having a future identity crisis and because of that pushing him away from me, I'd hate to wake up one day and decide I didn't like the person I've become, the life I chose and decide I didn't want it anymore. I feel that this next year will determine the path I take for the remainder of my life, and it is that thought which causes me seek answers so desperately. But these are answers to a future which remains uncertain and so to are uncertain answers.

A smart girl would turn tail and run back to the familiar, run back home and live a comfortable, complacent life with what little freedom and comforts she could. A strong girl would pack her bags, find a new place to call her own and build a new life for herself like she had always planned she would do. A scared girl would stay, not knowing what else to do. A weak girl would fold herself into this relationship utterly and completely, no questions asked, no fighting, just total slavery and submission. What will I do? I have no intentions of running away, I Love him too much to just pack my bags and leave, but I feel much trepidation for the future in regards to my choices, the ones I have made and the ones I have yet to...the thought of being owned and controlled agitates me. The idea that he would tell me what to do and I'd hop to it for fear of being reprimanded bothers me. I'm not keen on the idea of being controlled and never have been, I'm so strong willed, independent, free spirited and freedom loving...it literally breaks my heart to imagine myself as being a slave, servant or anything similar. It is so strange because that's the truth of it and yet there is this part of me which craves it, the freedom of having no freedom, the weight of decision making and responsibility beyond that of which has been bestowed upon me by my Master seems relieving. To simply be and to serve...it seems so simple and alas so confining. There are two sides to all things, both of which need to be considered carefully, and it is upon the careful consideration of these parts of my life I am faced with I do not know which is worth the trouble more than the other....both are not possible, I can not be have my freedom and be happy, and yet I can not be happy without being free....perhaps it is the perception of freedom which makes me happy that is which eludes me. There's this picture of a bird in a cage with the door ajar and he is singing happily in his cage, oblivious to the fact he is even in it. Might it be possible that under the most structured form of confinement I will be able to truly feel free? That is the question I wrestle with because it's a theory to which I do not know the answer. I can speculate and I can assume and I can hope and I can try, but what if I get there and the door never opens and I'm just stuck as a bird in a cage for the rest of my life? That is my biggest fear.  I fear that having all my freedoms stripped from me won't make me any happier or feel any more free, but instead leave me hopeless and drained of Life hating what he has done to me and what I've allowed to happen to myself.


Not being in his head makes things hard, not knowing his full and complete intentions makes me a little paranoid. Not knowing all of the things he has planned, the fantasies he wishes to fulfill, the devious and violent acts he wants to enact with me....not knowing it all makes me feel like an idiot to agree to it so willingly and without hesitation and yet it is to him whom I am pulled towards with every fiber of my soul, my entire being. I want nothing more than to be owned mind, heart, body and soul by him....but is that what I really truly want? Or am I just pushed to him because of my constant need for comfort and guardianship and Love? Am I drawn to him out of need for dominant companionship? or is it really some deeper connection like I've allowed myself to believe it is?

I know I Love him, that much is certain, I want to be with him, I'm not here because I feel I have to be, or because I feel like I have no place left to go. I want a future with him, but at this point a future with him seems very uncertain and maybe it should be, our relationship is new, just starting out and to try and forsee how things are going to be seems like a complete and utter waste of time at this point, it would seem to me that the best option for me is to just let go of my anxiety and fears and hopes and desires for what could be and just let this be. Let go of your idea of the life you think you will lead in order to live the one that's been given. I Love him to pieces and hope we have a long lasting relationship, but right now I'm content to just be me and him just be him and we just be together with no desired outcomes or pushing things in any one direction and if that should mean that there comes a point in time where we must go our separate ways, then that bridge will be crossed when we get there.

Never fall in love with a poet...
A. Thomas Hawkins · Sep 13, 2012

Never fall in love with a poet
for their words are sometimes lies
on occasions they're a shield
on occasions a disguise

They will take you on a journey
upon which they bare their soul
in a bid to ease your burdens
in a bid to make you whole

But in every word they choose
for the stories that they tell
lies a little piece of heaven
and a little piece of hell

Tormented souls we poets are
sometimes quite broken and despaired
in search of lost expressions
missed by others who once cared

Never fall in love with a poet
unless you're prepared to share their pain
to hold them close on the darkest nights
over and again