A Love song in Pieces.

Before I met you-
"I'm miss autonomy, miss nowhere
I'm at the bottom of me
Miss androgyny, miss don't care
What I've done to me

I am misused, I don't wanna do
Be not your slave
Misguided, I mind it
I'm missin' the train

And I don't know where I've been
And I don't know what I'm into
And I don't know what I've done to me"

~ "Miss Nothing"- Pretty Reckless


Getting to know you-
"You make me glow, but I cover up
Won't let it show, so I'm
Putting my defences up
Because I don't want to fall in Love
If I ever did that
I think I'd have a heart attack."

~"Heart Attack"-Demi Lovato


Falling for you-"I only pray you'll never leave me behind
Because good music can be so hard to find
I take your head and hold it closer to mine
Thought love was dead, but now you're changing my mind

My heart's a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every note
Make me your radio
Turn me up when you feel low
This melody was meant for you
Just sing along to my stereo"
~"Stereo Hearts" Gym Class Heroes

Love-"If you should fall to pieces
You know I’ll pick them up
There are so many reasons
I’m never going to get enough
If you should leave this country
You know I’ll come to you
Because you always love me
oh what I wouldn’t do.
Oh what I wouldn’t do.

I’ll carry the weight
I’ll do anything for you
My bones may break
but I’ll never be untrue.Your love is like an ocean
that always takes me home
Whispering wind is blowing
telling me I’m not alone
Your love is like a river
that I am floating down.The current grows stronger
under different shades of blue
I’ve fallen in your water
forget everything I knew"

~ "What I wouldn't do" - Serena RyderBecoming Close-"I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decidedWho's one of my kind"
~"Soul Sister" - Train
"I belong with you, you belong with me my sweetheart.
I belong with you, you belong with me my sweet."
~"Ho Hey" The Lumineers


Head Over Heels-I've never seen it, I found this love, I'm gonna feed it
You better believe, I'm gonna treat it better than anything I've ever had
Cause you're so damn beautiful
Read it, it's signed and delivered let's seal it
Boy we go together like peanuts and paydays and Marley and reggae
And everybody needs to get a chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

~"Brighter than the Sun" - Colby Callait
If ever we are lost-And so I'll try to understand what I can't hold in my hand
And whatever I find, I'll find my way back to you.
And if you could try to find it too 'cause this place is overgrowing 
to whacks and gloom.
Home is wherever we are if there's nothing too

~"Home" - Jack Johnson

Forever changed-The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came
~"Glad you Came" The Wanted



My last few days
-"Packing the last few shirts into a bloated suitcase 
The last glimpse of comfort and the ticking clock face 
I swear those hands move faster every day 
I'm more confused than ever but I don't beg or pray 'cause the 
Sparkling light from the morning sun 
Is all we should need to feel one. 
That I am lost so lost 
But your the constellations 
That guide me"
~"Constellations" Enter Shikari



Heading back home-I got my ticket for the long way round
The one with the prettiest of views
It's got mountains
It's got rivers
It's got sights to give you shivers
But it sure will be prettier with you."

~"The Cup Song"- Anna KendrickThinking of you-Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

~"Feeling Good" - Michael Buble

Wrath of a Mad God.

I'd be lieing if I said I missed him, had good thoughts of him even. No I simply loathe him and keep getting the most violent thoughts of all the things I wish I could do to him. He's having a hard time believing that I am actually leaving, I catch him  with the little things, "Well in a few weeks we..."  A few weeks? ...WE?! No fucker you had your chance and now I'm leaving, wiping my hands of your filth and disgusting habits. I spit on you and curse you more horribly than any other I've ever known, you will not go quietly into that calm night, no you will twist and turn like a worm as a you squirm in your torment for the rest of your pathetic existence, this is your toll for the havoc you have wreaked upon my life, all of the darkness and the strife you dragged me through just because all I ever wanted was to be with you. Fuck you. I'm sorry I ever cared, that I ever tried, you were never worth it and I was so blind. But no longer. Now it is I who stands above you while you cry on your knees begging for mercy, and you shall receive none, just as I did...Run, run far far away and never come back, never return, because if you do, I will not welcome you, I will destroy you. This I so solemnly swear.


It's so weird to think I ever loved him...I look at him now and wonder....how?!  How did I ever think you were attractive? How did I ever stomach being touched by you? fucking you? *shudders* You completely disgust and frustrate me and I am pretty damn sure I hate you. Hate is a strong word, but in your case maybe not quite strong enough. Abhor, yes abhor...I Abhor you in the worst kind of ways, all the ways you deserve. Piece of shit, lazy douche bag, idiotic loser! When I look at you it is with nothing but contempt. Hell hath no furry as a woman's scorn! And my scorn you have earned through your ignorance, your inconsideration and abuse, you're unrelenting anger and unnecessary judgement. Why couldn't you just let me go? Set me free? You saw me cry myself to sleep so many nights, you just sat and played games or watched T.V and utterly ignored my pain. You knew you didn't want me, you said it so many times and still you would not let me go...and so now I have undone my chains and allowed myself the freedom you so long denied me.

You want to know the funniest thing of all? He still thinks everything is all my fault, I didn't try hard enough you know...So carrying your ass through six months of no work and receiving no love, no appreciation, no help, not a damn thing but your needy incessant bitching, yes that's my fault, and I'm sorry I let it go on for as long as it did. I am sorry I helped you and carried your ass through everything you made a mess of...I let you make a mess of me, my life, my happiness...all because I was stupid and brave enough to give you the benefit of the doubt but I see now that all along you were just doing what you do best and that's sitting on your fat ass complaining about all of the things that aren't right and never doing a damn thing yourself to change them. Fuck You. And it's my fault things couldn't work because I was just incapable of change. Fuck you mother fucker! I tried to change, and I couldn't. I buried and tortured myself for so long inside trying to be what you wanted from me and it still was never enough, "Try harder" "You're not trying at all" Fuck YOU! I tried harder than anything I've done in my life to make things work with you just like I always promised I would do...where were you? Dumb FUCK! AAARRRGGHHH!!!!! If I could wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze so hard your eyeballs popped out it wouldn't be enough to satisfy the ravenous beast inside.

My appetency towards him grows exponentially with each passing day. When will the time finally come? My impatience is my downfall but how could I not be impatient for something such as this? What I wouldn't give for just one kiss, just one tiny little peck on the lips and my whole world would come undone only to be built back up in his arms again.

Among the thickness of it all, I find myself more excited than I think I have ever been in my life. Every time I see those eyes, that smile...oh god that smile...I just want to run to him like a pup to it's Master. Of all the things that I have felt in my life, I've never felt something such as this. Not Love, Not True Love can even compare to what this is. Soul mate is a term that comes to mind and I've never been one to believe that they exist.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

― Bob Marley

There now I've gone and done it, talked my way into a hole.  *sighs*

What have I done, stupid, stupid, stupid. One of these days I'm going to cut this damnable thing out from my chest and cast it into the sea! Oh why, oh why, oh why did he have to choose me?. I can only hope that he can take me seriously. "Ha!, Love!" he'll probably say, now that's a pretty big word to be throwing around...but then again he really doesn't know me all that well. Is it strange that I'm incapable of holding back my Love at times? That I feel the need to Love unconditionally those that matter to me? Is it weird that he matters to me? Half the time I don't know the answers to these questions I ask myself so I just go with the flow, but right now I think I've stepped into a very unfamiliar place with a very formidable opponent and If I do not tread lightly I may find myself wishing more than ever I  had not listened to my heart....but even as I type this now I am still thinking of him and how much I'd like to give him the chance to prove me wrong, question is, Is that his intention? What is his wish? I don't want to have to worry about mind games, but at the same time given who I'm dealing with I'd have to be a complete idiot not be cautious, I just don't want my cautiousness to push him away or make him feel like I don't trust him.

I'm trying to control my emotions for the sake of not rushing things, I want to care, but yet keep myself from caring too much, I want to love, but refuse to allow myself the privilege. It's almost like I need his permission, I need him to say "It's okay, you can Love me"....gosh I'm such a young fool. I guess in a way I'm also keeping myself at arms length because I assume he feels  as if he could just reach out and pluck me like a delicate flower, smell me and toss me away when he's done. He's certainly the type to do so lol and to be honest it's almost what I expect, We meet, things explode like a super nova, they die down, and sizzle out but I still want to Love him, even if he never loves me and after all is said and done, when he's finished with me, I can move on, lessons learned, fun and adventure had, romance explored, friendship intact if things lead that way. I really just want the chance to make him happy, and if he isn't happy with me then what will be, will be and all I can really do is just be me.

If you're unaware, it's crazy to see how quickly things can move from want to need. But to ever say I couldn't live without you, that would be a lie, I can live with out you... I'd just rather not have to. I want you and to me that is worth more than ever needing you could mean.
I've felt what it is to need a person. The constant tugging towards them, can't get them out of your mind it drives you crazy inside, you crave it like the worst drug and can never get enough. That would be all too easy to fall into with you, but instead I try and keep level, calm, grounded, strong...and all It would take is for you to say."I want you to need me." and just like that It would be all too easy. Use me and abuse me, but never miss use me. Please, just never lead me astray and by your side forever I will stay, until such a time comes when you do say, now is the time for you to go away.

"The truth comes out as the fire burns low.
It comes to light as only embers glow.
The whiskey talks and the west wind moans in the night."

Between light and dark, strange things lurk. What new horizons I face.

There is this feeling I have, this gnawing desire to let myself fall into his darkness and be surrounded by it but I pull away from it if only just a little. I will not fall, no, I can not fall. Surely I would never have considered that one day I would keep truly nothing from someone other than myself, but here I am confessing to myself my deepest fears and emotions, even knowing he now too will know but yet knowing this I still confess.

I'll put up a fight. I'll be damned if he thinks it'll be easy. He must have the power to handle me at my worst if he is to benefit from my best. He has to prove to me he's superior in every way, for I could never belong to anything but.

It seems so surreal right now. How could I spend a lifetime believing that a person couldn't exist only to one day find to my delight and scepticism that they have suddenly appeared. The words, "Too good to be true." come to mind, because indeed tis what this seems.

Dare I dream that this could be true?
Dare I let my fantasies show through?
I know not what I should do,
Now that I have been faced by you.



"If you ever feel the need for a connection, and say we're fighting or not talking or whatever...I'll promise you: You can come to me, get on your knees and hold my leg. Hold on as tight as you want. I promise I will never push you away."

...If I could be anywhere in the world right now, right there is where I would be.


I'm not afraid of emotional pain, that's familiar to me. I am afraid of physical pain, but that will change with time. I'm not afraid of being modelled into a better person, a Kajira. I am afraid of miss layed trust, though not with him. Him I trust more than just about any other. I do not fear being used, no, that I crave. I fear the insatiable hunger within myself for insatiable is what it has proven to be. But I feel that maybe, just maybe, that he holds the key to the lock that secures the chain which binds me.


He's not stupid. He already knows he's won.