It's been seven months since I moved into His condo to be with Him.
So far there hasn't been any problems or unhappy circumstances between the two of us, the only negative things I've felt were/are when Chelsey tries to get too close to Him and the mostly non existent M/s BDSM aspect of our relationship. To me it's important, it's something that excites me and a part of our life I miss. I know he's been being gentle with me and soft...but it's been too long since he's wrapped his hand around my throat and whispered his threats into my ear before swiftly bending me over and spanking my ass until I cried. I want it so bad it aches, to be on my knees at his feet choking on his cock before he rams it into my cunt and fucks me...because I Love being his dirty little slut.  He's not as stern as I'd imagined he would be, not that's it's terribly upsetting to me, I just enjoy the atmosphere it creates, occasionally I enjoy being made to actually feel as if I am His slave; a feeling I wish to experience more of.

   I'm not depressed, perhaps a little unsatisfied but overall I'm really quite Happy with Life right now, the direction things are kind of going in seems to be good so far. I'm a little dissatisfied by the lack of ambition I've been experiencing and the continuous drop in the level of my self esteem I've been trying to keep up with. The lack of ambition stems mostly from a lack of direction as always the problem has been. The drop in self esteem has been caused by weight gain and inactivity, I am in the preliminary stages of creating a routine. Biking to work is definitely not enough on it's own, so I'm making gradual dietary changes as well. My hope is that gradually shifting will be easier than a shock to the system.

With Shawn things are going better than I expected. We don't really fight, ever, we discuss things, talk to each other; we are open and it's makes things easier, better....way better. I trust Him, he trusts me and we look after one another, we really care about each other it's not one sided. I completely feel as if this is exactly right where I want to be and I don't ever see that changing....

It's been seven months since I moved into His condo to be with Him, and I still feel sad when he isn't Home. I still think about him everyday, and he still makes me laugh, still holds me close in bed at night and most importantly, we are still very much in Love and I don't ever see that changing.

Summer is here finally. The weather has been beautiful, the trees have their leaves and the hills are a rolling green. It feels like it's been a millennium since I've seen the shades of emerald and felt the warmth of the Sun upon my skin. Best of all is that I am still with Him. Things have been going great despite slipping a disc back in March, it still hurts everyday but I'm hoping this new job and having a bike will help me get more exercise which will in turn help it to heal. I can't imagine what life would be like if I was stuck with this for the rest of it (not that it couldn't be worse) I can't do everything I want to do anymore and at times it's so frustrating. One day at a time though, things will work out. Master has been the most patient, kind, and loving man I have ever been with. He is sad that I have a job now because he says he will miss me and says that "If you're getting this job just so that you can worry about bills and become stressed about money you can quit right now because I won't have that. You let me do the worrying" He says...I laugh, I can see how much he loves me and needs me to be happy; how important that is to him and I understand his position with everything. It's in his best interest to keep me happy, because me being happy means that he is happy. I'm not worried about bills, I'm not worried about rent or stretching my pennies beyond my means. This job isn't something we need, not even something I need. Just temporary to save some money, pay off some debt and give me something to do and honestly I hope that me being away from home and being away from Master brings a little more affection from Him my way because lately I haven't really been feeling the "Love" and have been wondering why he's been so detached from me. I know that in relationships you grow past that "Honeymoon" stage where everything is all lovey dovey and sugar coated pixie farts and these days I feel like half the time I'm boring him, bothering him or just completely uninteresting to him. He doesn't say anything like "you're annoying me" or "you're bothering/boring me." but there has been more than just a handful of times over the last few weeks where I'll be sitting beside him and talking to him and I'll say something or ask a question and there's no response, he's not there, not listening, distracted by thoughts obviously more interesting or more important than me...but he doesn't even really talk to me anymore. Our life has this feeling of monotony to it and I can't shake this feeling that I have that it's not going to get better.

Is this just me being over sensitive? Is this just me being needy? Too attached, clingy? I'm unsure, all I know is that I miss him waking up in the morning and rolling over and growling "good morning sexy" in my ear before gently wrapping his arms around me and holding me close for a few minutes before getting out of bed. Now he throws the covers off of him onto me, rolls out of bed, puts his house coat on, has a smoke and comes to wake me up when he would like some coffee...and I miss him crawling into bed beside me or on top of me and giving me one last hug/cuddle and a kiss saying good night to me before bed. Now he usually falls asleep without a word or a kiss unless I say something first. I'm afraid to push, to say anything about it, I don't want to instigate anything or bother him. But I don't want this to be the beginning of the end because this seems to be the way it always starts, small and innocent like....
 On top of it all, sexually he seems indifferent towards me. There are days when he gets his urges and he takes me as he sees fit, those days are becoming less and less and further between. There is practically none...no sorry there is No BDSM or M/s or D/s or anything in it anymore and I just don't understand. Before he was so enthusiastic about all of the things he was going to do with me, use me for, have me do for him and we had all of these plans for scenes but the kinkiest thing he does to me and has done to me in a long time (months) is fuck me in the ass while biting me. I feel like it's my fault, I'm fat from being lazy from sitting around because of my back and I can't get on top and I can't bend like I should be able too...*sighs* How am I supposed to be able to make Him happy if I can't even bend over to pick up a dirty sock some days? I want to get better. I'm trying to get better. I don't want to watch this relationship fall apart piece by piece like everything else in my life has before I met Him. I just don't know what to do but Love him and I feel like maybe that's problem, maybe I need to back off and give him some space, some time for him away from me. This job will prove whether that notion is true or not.