It's funny you know. It seems like my whole life I've been trying to live my life to the expectations of everyone else as to how I should live my life and what I should do. And whenever I get stuck, or do things I want to do I feel guilty for not doing what everyone says I should be doing. But shouldn't I be doing what makes me happy? What's the point of having a job if you hate it, and it makes you hate your life, poisons your soul and drives you into depression? I understand that we all need money to live, but at what cost? Is it worth your happiness? your health physically and mentally? Is it worth hating your life and possibly yourself everyday just to get a paycheck for the time you spent hating yourself? Is it wrong that I feel like it isn't worth it? That I'd rather live day to day waiting and searching for the job, or career that's right for me? Is it wrong that I'm taking the time to decide what I want to do with my life instead of becoming a part of the working society that 8-10 hours a day to make money and get by. Is it wrong that I'm taking the time now to do all of the things that over the next twenty years, when I'm busy with school, a husband, kids, a family, I won't have time to do?.....I don't think it is, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe everyone is right for being mad at me for not having a job..I'm mad at me for letting others get mad at me and causing distress in their lives. I hate what the world has become. Where money is the backbone for everything but you have to spend money to get money and when you have no money, it's almost unobtainable...I hate that I have to rely on others to carry me, I have no problems working to make my money, but no one wants to hire me. I have no college and no experience. I have no college because I have no money, I have no experience because no one will hire me because I have no college or experience. I have no money to go to college because I can't get a job. I can't go to college because I have no place to stay because I have no money and I can't get welfare because I have no place to stay because I have no money.....What the fuck is wrong with this picture? Really? Somebody fucked up somewhere big time and now we are all paying for it, especially the ones who are at the bottom of the financial ladder. It's like the wealthy work to keep the poor poor and the rich rich while making it impossible for the middle class to become wealthy. I'm so sick of this. I'm not even 19 and already I am so sick of this bullshit.

Why is it sometimes I feel so alone? Surrounded by people, who "care" about me, who are my "friends" and "love" me....I'm so skeptical of people and I don't know why. Am I so afraid of being hurt? used? lied to?. Why can't I let myself find someone to trust inside and out?...oh yea because if I did then I'd have to be madly in love with them and want to spend the rest of my life with them. I don't understand myself most days. Why I feel the way I do, why I do the things I do. Most days I don't try to understand and just -do- without thinking. That's probably what got me into this mess to begin with. It'd be nice to have that friend, like the one you had when you were in grade seven. That you talked to everyday, spent everyday with, passed notes in class and hung out after school doing stupid stuff and shared everything with. When you're so young you don't have to worry about things like your "friends" using you, getting mad at you over stupid things like boys, and relationships, and life. Things don't get easier as you get older, life gets harder and harder and harder as you go along. Until eventually it hits you so hard you die.

I miss having a family, a home with mom, dad, and my brothers.... Going to see my mom is like a chore, seeing my father makes me cry when I leave because I see just how bad things have gotten with him. I never get to talk to my brothers, they are all so busy with life, their families, work. I feel so alone, so useless. I'm only 18 and yet I'm in such a rush to do everything, go to school, get a job, get married, and I wonder, why? Part of me says it's because I need to feel some sense of accomplishment like I'm doing something important with my life, I want to make my family proud of me and do something that lets me face them with pride instead of shame. I think I want to do it so fast so my dad can see his little girl graduate college, go to university or law school and be something successful. I want him to be able to meet my boyfriends and tell me what he thinks, approve of my fiance and be there when I get married....but the truth is, he won't be, and I know that.

When my brother was my age he was spending his life as a body guard for a drug dealer, partying and doing drugs everyday, stealing money from people to pay for his addictions. He was a dog on a leash and going nowhere. He dropped out of high school when he was in grade 11 and still hasn't gone back. But now he is 22 has a full time job as the highest payed worker where he works, lives with the woman he loves and is happy as ever. My parents are proud of him for cleaning up his act and making something of himself, and in comparison I feel like a bum. Sure I moved out when I was 17 after graduating from high school, I lived with my Aunt and Uncle all summer, eventually got a  job and payed rent, bought my own groceries and everything, I was rather proud of myself, and on top of it all I met a man and fell in love with him. But I threw it all away... I tell everyone my Aunt kicked me out, but the truth of the matter was I got sick of living there, hated my job, and wanted out. So I quit my job and moved out practically over night. I left a full time job, my own basement apartment, and an amazing man, all because I decided I'd be happier if I left....am I happy now? Living on welfare, in a crappy little farm house in the middle of nowhere, a hundred miles from home, living with a douche bag asshole? No I'm not happy. Is it any better? No. Do I regret doing it?...no..

As much as it was a fucking dumb idea, and stupid of me to do, I'm glad I did. I may not be happier, I may not be in better position in life, but I've learned a lot. Met lots of new and wonderful people and had lots of great times and experiences. I'm 18 and I need to remember that. My dad always used to tell me "Dan, you need to -slow- down." , "Don't get your shirt in a knot." and "Don't get your buggy in front of the horse.".....maybe I should listen to him for once in my life.