Letting go of the past is necessary, but probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to learn how to do. When the heart is unwilling the pain can be intolerable...but if it's the right thing to do, regardless how much it hurts, lest you fall into a pit of deepened despair it's best to let it go. Sometimes people don't understand why we do the things that we do and in the end all they see is pain and misguided truths, sometimes people do painful things to the ones they Love the most in order to stop from hurting them worse later in the end. Sometimes walking away is the only thing that we have left especially when you cannot find the words to say...sometimes there are no words left to be said. "I'm Sorry" is too in-genuine, "I made a mistake" is a poor excuse. How much of it makes you sound like a broken record? How much of it just reminds them of every other person who walked away before you? There is a certain point where you need to accept that no amount of words can fix something that actions are responsible for and at this point you need to accept that you can either change your actions or do what is best for everybody involved and if they can't be the ones to make the tough choices then you have to be. When they can't be strong you need to be strong for them and do the right thing.

It's been getting more and more difficult lately. I'm not experiencing things I was promised I would be. I am not being trained, I am not even being treated remotely like a pet, or a slave, or a submissive. I'm a girlfriend, that's what I am and vanilla is the flavor of the relationship. I am getting bored, I am getting restless, I see these girls covered in bruises, tied up, being used and loved and worshiped as Goddess' of pain and I want that....Why do things have to be like this? Why is it me this has to happen too? These stupid pills make me tired... He is afraid of hurting me, afraid of pushing too far, afraid of maiming me because to Him I am fragile and to Him too special and to Him too new. He doesn't want to take the time, or put the effort into me, he doesn't want to play, he has no interest in the small beginner things. He wants to own me and have none of the responsibilities of being a Master. He is not my Master, but he does own me...He can't do the things he wants to do because of their extreme or overtly violent nature and so he chooses instead to do nothing at all because I am not a proclaimed masochist and because I am now injured with no way of knowing when or to what extent I will be healed, as something I will have to spend the rest of my life protecting from recurring injury I can't see Him overcoming His fear of hurting me or learning to work around it. He hasn't shown any kind if interest to that degree and I will be surprised if He ever does.

He gets upset because I try to be independent. But of course I am going to try to be when I feel forced to do so. If he is unwilling to fill certain needs or desires or take care of certain responsibilities then the task of ensuring they are taken care of falls to me. I must take care of myself because nobody else is going to.

He cares about me immensely. He Loves me more than I can probably understand and I know it's what keeps Him from doing the things he wants to do to me and if he can't do them to me then he feels the urge to find another with whom He is able to enact His desires. It leaves me feeling cheated, empty in the sense that I am not receiving the kind of attention I desire or require and it's all rather frustrating at the end of the day when I put effort towards it and He, for the most part, doesn't even really try because He is bored, finds the things I want and need Him to do boring and has no interest in helping me explore or evolve or anything to that capacity beyond which He might find personally satisfactory. He has no interest in my body, He doesn't explore it, He doesn't play with it, He doesn't touch it, He grabs me and fucks me and cums inside of me and holds me, He sometimes puts His arms around me and cuddles me but it doesn't always feel warm. To Him emotion is nothing, but to me, emotion is energy and energy is everything. I don't feel the energy that I need to feel, I'm not getting the energy I need to feed off of and it's effecting me negatively. Lust is what I require, a deep, burning desire...I want His Lust, I need it, but it would seem that His Lust for me is gone.