It's been getting more and more difficult lately. I'm not experiencing things I was promised I would be. I am not being trained, I am not even being treated remotely like a pet, or a slave, or a submissive. I'm a girlfriend, that's what I am and vanilla is the flavor of the relationship. I am getting bored, I am getting restless, I see these girls covered in bruises, tied up, being used and loved and worshiped as Goddess' of pain and I want that....Why do things have to be like this? Why is it me this has to happen too? These stupid pills make me tired... He is afraid of hurting me, afraid of pushing too far, afraid of maiming me because to Him I am fragile and to Him too special and to Him too new. He doesn't want to take the time, or put the effort into me, he doesn't want to play, he has no interest in the small beginner things. He wants to own me and have none of the responsibilities of being a Master. He is not my Master, but he does own me...He can't do the things he wants to do because of their extreme or overtly violent nature and so he chooses instead to do nothing at all because I am not a proclaimed masochist and because I am now injured with no way of knowing when or to what extent I will be healed, as something I will have to spend the rest of my life protecting from recurring injury I can't see Him overcoming His fear of hurting me or learning to work around it. He hasn't shown any kind if interest to that degree and I will be surprised if He ever does.

He gets upset because I try to be independent. But of course I am going to try to be when I feel forced to do so. If he is unwilling to fill certain needs or desires or take care of certain responsibilities then the task of ensuring they are taken care of falls to me. I must take care of myself because nobody else is going to.

He cares about me immensely. He Loves me more than I can probably understand and I know it's what keeps Him from doing the things he wants to do to me and if he can't do them to me then he feels the urge to find another with whom He is able to enact His desires. It leaves me feeling cheated, empty in the sense that I am not receiving the kind of attention I desire or require and it's all rather frustrating at the end of the day when I put effort towards it and He, for the most part, doesn't even really try because He is bored, finds the things I want and need Him to do boring and has no interest in helping me explore or evolve or anything to that capacity beyond which He might find personally satisfactory. He has no interest in my body, He doesn't explore it, He doesn't play with it, He doesn't touch it, He grabs me and fucks me and cums inside of me and holds me, He sometimes puts His arms around me and cuddles me but it doesn't always feel warm. To Him emotion is nothing, but to me, emotion is energy and energy is everything. I don't feel the energy that I need to feel, I'm not getting the energy I need to feed off of and it's effecting me negatively. Lust is what I require, a deep, burning desire...I want His Lust, I need it, but it would seem that His Lust for me is gone.

It's been seven months since I moved into His condo to be with Him.
So far there hasn't been any problems or unhappy circumstances between the two of us, the only negative things I've felt were/are when Chelsey tries to get too close to Him and the mostly non existent M/s BDSM aspect of our relationship. To me it's important, it's something that excites me and a part of our life I miss. I know he's been being gentle with me and soft...but it's been too long since he's wrapped his hand around my throat and whispered his threats into my ear before swiftly bending me over and spanking my ass until I cried. I want it so bad it aches, to be on my knees at his feet choking on his cock before he rams it into my cunt and fucks me...because I Love being his dirty little slut.  He's not as stern as I'd imagined he would be, not that's it's terribly upsetting to me, I just enjoy the atmosphere it creates, occasionally I enjoy being made to actually feel as if I am His slave; a feeling I wish to experience more of.

   I'm not depressed, perhaps a little unsatisfied but overall I'm really quite Happy with Life right now, the direction things are kind of going in seems to be good so far. I'm a little dissatisfied by the lack of ambition I've been experiencing and the continuous drop in the level of my self esteem I've been trying to keep up with. The lack of ambition stems mostly from a lack of direction as always the problem has been. The drop in self esteem has been caused by weight gain and inactivity, I am in the preliminary stages of creating a routine. Biking to work is definitely not enough on it's own, so I'm making gradual dietary changes as well. My hope is that gradually shifting will be easier than a shock to the system.

With Shawn things are going better than I expected. We don't really fight, ever, we discuss things, talk to each other; we are open and it's makes things easier, better....way better. I trust Him, he trusts me and we look after one another, we really care about each other it's not one sided. I completely feel as if this is exactly right where I want to be and I don't ever see that changing....

It's been seven months since I moved into His condo to be with Him, and I still feel sad when he isn't Home. I still think about him everyday, and he still makes me laugh, still holds me close in bed at night and most importantly, we are still very much in Love and I don't ever see that changing.