There now I've gone and done it, talked my way into a hole.  *sighs*

What have I done, stupid, stupid, stupid. One of these days I'm going to cut this damnable thing out from my chest and cast it into the sea! Oh why, oh why, oh why did he have to choose me?. I can only hope that he can take me seriously. "Ha!, Love!" he'll probably say, now that's a pretty big word to be throwing around...but then again he really doesn't know me all that well. Is it strange that I'm incapable of holding back my Love at times? That I feel the need to Love unconditionally those that matter to me? Is it weird that he matters to me? Half the time I don't know the answers to these questions I ask myself so I just go with the flow, but right now I think I've stepped into a very unfamiliar place with a very formidable opponent and If I do not tread lightly I may find myself wishing more than ever I  had not listened to my heart....but even as I type this now I am still thinking of him and how much I'd like to give him the chance to prove me wrong, question is, Is that his intention? What is his wish? I don't want to have to worry about mind games, but at the same time given who I'm dealing with I'd have to be a complete idiot not be cautious, I just don't want my cautiousness to push him away or make him feel like I don't trust him.

I'm trying to control my emotions for the sake of not rushing things, I want to care, but yet keep myself from caring too much, I want to love, but refuse to allow myself the privilege. It's almost like I need his permission, I need him to say "It's okay, you can Love me"....gosh I'm such a young fool. I guess in a way I'm also keeping myself at arms length because I assume he feels  as if he could just reach out and pluck me like a delicate flower, smell me and toss me away when he's done. He's certainly the type to do so lol and to be honest it's almost what I expect, We meet, things explode like a super nova, they die down, and sizzle out but I still want to Love him, even if he never loves me and after all is said and done, when he's finished with me, I can move on, lessons learned, fun and adventure had, romance explored, friendship intact if things lead that way. I really just want the chance to make him happy, and if he isn't happy with me then what will be, will be and all I can really do is just be me.

If you're unaware, it's crazy to see how quickly things can move from want to need. But to ever say I couldn't live without you, that would be a lie, I can live with out you... I'd just rather not have to. I want you and to me that is worth more than ever needing you could mean.
I've felt what it is to need a person. The constant tugging towards them, can't get them out of your mind it drives you crazy inside, you crave it like the worst drug and can never get enough. That would be all too easy to fall into with you, but instead I try and keep level, calm, grounded, strong...and all It would take is for you to say."I want you to need me." and just like that It would be all too easy. Use me and abuse me, but never miss use me. Please, just never lead me astray and by your side forever I will stay, until such a time comes when you do say, now is the time for you to go away.

"The truth comes out as the fire burns low.
It comes to light as only embers glow.
The whiskey talks and the west wind moans in the night."

Between light and dark, strange things lurk. What new horizons I face.

There is this feeling I have, this gnawing desire to let myself fall into his darkness and be surrounded by it but I pull away from it if only just a little. I will not fall, no, I can not fall. Surely I would never have considered that one day I would keep truly nothing from someone other than myself, but here I am confessing to myself my deepest fears and emotions, even knowing he now too will know but yet knowing this I still confess.

I'll put up a fight. I'll be damned if he thinks it'll be easy. He must have the power to handle me at my worst if he is to benefit from my best. He has to prove to me he's superior in every way, for I could never belong to anything but.

It seems so surreal right now. How could I spend a lifetime believing that a person couldn't exist only to one day find to my delight and scepticism that they have suddenly appeared. The words, "Too good to be true." come to mind, because indeed tis what this seems.

Dare I dream that this could be true?
Dare I let my fantasies show through?
I know not what I should do,
Now that I have been faced by you.



"If you ever feel the need for a connection, and say we're fighting or not talking or whatever...I'll promise you: You can come to me, get on your knees and hold my leg. Hold on as tight as you want. I promise I will never push you away."

...If I could be anywhere in the world right now, right there is where I would be.


I'm not afraid of emotional pain, that's familiar to me. I am afraid of physical pain, but that will change with time. I'm not afraid of being modelled into a better person, a Kajira. I am afraid of miss layed trust, though not with him. Him I trust more than just about any other. I do not fear being used, no, that I crave. I fear the insatiable hunger within myself for insatiable is what it has proven to be. But I feel that maybe, just maybe, that he holds the key to the lock that secures the chain which binds me.


He's not stupid. He already knows he's won.