Ramblings of a mad woman.

We are born believing we can change the world, that anything is possible and that we can be anything we imagine we want to be. As we get older and we learn more and more about the world around us, not just what we see everyday, on television, here about on the radio and read about in books, but also what we learn ourselves through personal adventure and experience, what we see within the boundaries of our own lives and perhaps through the eyes of those we take the time to see through and it's through these means that we slowly lose hope for change, slowly stop believing anything is possible and start believing we are hopelessly lost to a fate that is not of our own design and stuck in a world where things will never change, that one individual will never make a difference and this is when we learn our complacency to corporate slavery and mundane society life. Why stop believing that change is possible, that you can be the catalyst for a better brighter future of your design and a life worth living? Do not let the sands of human society erode your inner strength and spirit. Instead of stone, be like water. Flowing, adaptable, strong yet gentle, life giving.

Dark Tidings

Things are great, for the most part. I'm happy with him, except lately there's been a lot of tension. There's something wrong with my memory and to be honest it scares me. He tells me that he's told me something and I say No you didn't because I don't remember and then it gets into this argument where he gets frustrated and then I get frustrated and it's just not good. I don't know what's wrong with me, the only thing I can think of is the marijuanna. Does it cause memory loss?...apparently it does and it's normal in people who toke everyday...lol who would have guessed...wow I need to stop smoking so much pot :/  

Other than that tension things are mostly good, I get the occasional "talking to" for doing something wrong and that brings me down hard sometimes but that\s my own fault for taking it the wrong way or so harshly. Yesterday he brought it to my attention that I need to start communicating with him better or things are just going to crash and burn. But how do I communicate with him? I've never been good at this kind of thing...Writing notes is pretty much the only thing I have and to me it just seems so childish that that is the way I have to communicate to my partner. Why am I so complex, different and strange? Why do things always have to be so different with me? It frustrates me that I can't function "normally" My therapist couldn't help, my doctor doesn't help, steve just gets frustrated with me...what do I do but hide? Maybe I was just meant to be alone, there doesn't seem to be anyone who can tolerate being around me for long, and that's just with me being me....and if I can't be me then who am I supposed to be?

I miss school, learning, teaching, understanding. I miss haveing constant cerebrel growth, my brain feels so stagnant, so mushy....I need to learn, it's just who I am and this constant nagging depression bullshit won't dissapear until I start doing what I want to do again. I was never happier than when I had the freedom of choice to do what I wanted when I wanted. When I had the access and resources, the people and options to do just about anything I wanted. Once you have that nothing ever seems the same without it. But now nothing would ever be the same without him....that's where I am stuck. You can't have everything you want and now I am faced with a choice. Do I want him more, or do I want that other life more? Is he worth the risk? Is the possibility of having things fail worth the time and the pain that could come with it? I hope so because if not then I'll be one angry, hurt, bitter, mean person, and I'm positive that if things don't work with him that they will never work with anybody. But that wouldn't be his fault, just my own decision.