Dark Tidings

Things are great, for the most part. I'm happy with him, except lately there's been a lot of tension. There's something wrong with my memory and to be honest it scares me. He tells me that he's told me something and I say No you didn't because I don't remember and then it gets into this argument where he gets frustrated and then I get frustrated and it's just not good. I don't know what's wrong with me, the only thing I can think of is the marijuanna. Does it cause memory loss?...apparently it does and it's normal in people who toke everyday...lol who would have guessed...wow I need to stop smoking so much pot :/  

Other than that tension things are mostly good, I get the occasional "talking to" for doing something wrong and that brings me down hard sometimes but that\s my own fault for taking it the wrong way or so harshly. Yesterday he brought it to my attention that I need to start communicating with him better or things are just going to crash and burn. But how do I communicate with him? I've never been good at this kind of thing...Writing notes is pretty much the only thing I have and to me it just seems so childish that that is the way I have to communicate to my partner. Why am I so complex, different and strange? Why do things always have to be so different with me? It frustrates me that I can't function "normally" My therapist couldn't help, my doctor doesn't help, steve just gets frustrated with me...what do I do but hide? Maybe I was just meant to be alone, there doesn't seem to be anyone who can tolerate being around me for long, and that's just with me being me....and if I can't be me then who am I supposed to be?

I miss school, learning, teaching, understanding. I miss haveing constant cerebrel growth, my brain feels so stagnant, so mushy....I need to learn, it's just who I am and this constant nagging depression bullshit won't dissapear until I start doing what I want to do again. I was never happier than when I had the freedom of choice to do what I wanted when I wanted. When I had the access and resources, the people and options to do just about anything I wanted. Once you have that nothing ever seems the same without it. But now nothing would ever be the same without him....that's where I am stuck. You can't have everything you want and now I am faced with a choice. Do I want him more, or do I want that other life more? Is he worth the risk? Is the possibility of having things fail worth the time and the pain that could come with it? I hope so because if not then I'll be one angry, hurt, bitter, mean person, and I'm positive that if things don't work with him that they will never work with anybody. But that wouldn't be his fault, just my own decision.

It's funny you know. It seems like my whole life I've been trying to live my life to the expectations of everyone else as to how I should live my life and what I should do. And whenever I get stuck, or do things I want to do I feel guilty for not doing what everyone says I should be doing. But shouldn't I be doing what makes me happy? What's the point of having a job if you hate it, and it makes you hate your life, poisons your soul and drives you into depression? I understand that we all need money to live, but at what cost? Is it worth your happiness? your health physically and mentally? Is it worth hating your life and possibly yourself everyday just to get a paycheck for the time you spent hating yourself? Is it wrong that I feel like it isn't worth it? That I'd rather live day to day waiting and searching for the job, or career that's right for me? Is it wrong that I'm taking the time to decide what I want to do with my life instead of becoming a part of the working society that 8-10 hours a day to make money and get by. Is it wrong that I'm taking the time now to do all of the things that over the next twenty years, when I'm busy with school, a husband, kids, a family, I won't have time to do?.....I don't think it is, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe everyone is right for being mad at me for not having a job..I'm mad at me for letting others get mad at me and causing distress in their lives. I hate what the world has become. Where money is the backbone for everything but you have to spend money to get money and when you have no money, it's almost unobtainable...I hate that I have to rely on others to carry me, I have no problems working to make my money, but no one wants to hire me. I have no college and no experience. I have no college because I have no money, I have no experience because no one will hire me because I have no college or experience. I have no money to go to college because I can't get a job. I can't go to college because I have no place to stay because I have no money and I can't get welfare because I have no place to stay because I have no money.....What the fuck is wrong with this picture? Really? Somebody fucked up somewhere big time and now we are all paying for it, especially the ones who are at the bottom of the financial ladder. It's like the wealthy work to keep the poor poor and the rich rich while making it impossible for the middle class to become wealthy. I'm so sick of this. I'm not even 19 and already I am so sick of this bullshit.