Good God why does it always seem this is the only place in the world I can speak freely the things of my mind with no consequence...Why do all good things turn bad? Why does it seem the negative always outweighs the positive? Why? Why!? WHY!!?  *Aargghhh*

It's like an exact replica of what happened the last time. Like he's a fucking clone. How did this happen? He used to never be like this and now all he does is act exactly how "he" used to act. All of the things he does now are the same things that made me leave "him". Are all men the same? Do they all have a power complex and need to control? Need to be right? Have to be the superior always and have no exceptions to anything? Am I such a bad, wrong, lost, incorrect and incoherent individual to reality? I just can not understand why we must always fight simply because he cannot cope with just simply letting things be as they will be. Something is always wrong, there is always a complaint, always a negative comment, always something wrong and I'm sick to death with it. But I cannot leave, how could I? Wouldn't that make me a liar? Someone with no values or morals? As determined as I am for things to work out, maybe they just simply cannot. He will not budge, no it is always I who is at fault and therefore it is always I who must be the one to move, change, fix things. I have worked my soul to the edge of essence for this relationship and where have I ended up but worse off then we've ever been. He doesn't understand me, cannot understand me, refuses to try to see my point of view because to him I'm always wrong or scewed and it is so god damn frustrating some days I just want to be someplace far away from him. he says he loves me, he wants things to work, he can't live without me, but I just need to sit down, shut up and listen. Accept that your wrong he says, accept that I know more than you he says, accept that I am the superior and all will be well. But how can I accept when I feel it is not true? Am I wrong? Do I need to change evermore? What is to become of what's left of "Me" if I do?  will I die a slow painful spiritual death, my soul rotting in torment? Or will things get better? how big of a risk is too much? How much change is too much change? Who could I even ask for sound unbiased true solid advice....in a world full of people I find myself cut off from everything I once knew. He is all I have, and what do you do when the one person you love, and trust cannot be trusted anymore?

Everything he says to me just sound like bullshit. Hypocritical nonsense and complaining jibber jabber. It's annoying really and frustrating that we have a complete and utter lack of communication. We have tried everything to fix but it cannot be fixed. This is a situation where both people must change but only one is even willing to consider it. An answer is clear, but it's not one I will accept yet. Will I ever? I don't know.

They say the one you love is the one who is supposed to help you when you've been flayed, layed open to the world, bared to the harsh realities. But what do you do when the one person you love is the one flaying you? who do you turn to then? Who can you trust if you cannot trust yourself?

I can already forsee how things will play out if the end is to come. I'll have to be the one to pack my things and leave and of course I will have left because I cannot accept that he is right and I am wrong and I am a child who needs to grow up. If I leave he will tell everyone how much of a stupid, thoughtless, zombie I am and how ignorant to life I am and that all I ever did was frustrate him, lie, try to be someone I'm not and that I'm just a horrible person who he cannot stand and the very thought of me infuriates him. Oh I know the things he will say and to whom and I know I will be blamed for everything and in the end he will play it off like he's better off without me anyways. *sigh* Why are people so predictable? Why do people have to be like this?...I won't leave, not yet. He still has time to help me fix things if he decides it's what he wants to do. Without a job he can't support himself, I've been supporting the both of us for almost over a month now and I wouldn't leave him in a situation like this. But I feel there is no appreciation, no thanks, is a relationship meant to be so thankless? I work hard everyday to give us the best we can have and he asks me, "Why don't you try harder to make things better? why don't you put some energy into trying to improve us or your life instead of just sitting around being lazy all the time. and he wonders why I get pissed off and then a fight ensues. I can't remember a time when he made me feel all warm and fuzzy anymore, all I ever get is hyper tension and anxiety now.

It's times like these where I find myself in the biggest predicaments and how do I tell who's right or who's wrong or what the hell I'm supposed to do. I always just do the best I can do to make the best decisions possible for myself and him, though it seems that all I'm ever met with is criticism, negativity, attitude or complete hostile aggression.  I feel like shit all of the time, does he try to help no, in fact he makes it worse usually and then comes up with some fucked up notion as to why it's always my fault for doing nothing. what can I do? The only answer I have is to LEAVE YOU! and what kind of an answer is that?... I can't do it. I simply cannot bring myself to do it. so does this mean I'm trapped in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship?